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To have asked him to leave he is now not coming back?

(16 Posts)
heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 14:34:24

Dp and I had a heated discussion and I asked him to leave it has been several days,Ill admit I said it in haste as ashamed of my actions but told him I missed him and was he coming back, he said no.

So aibu to have said you can see the kids ,plus we need some money please and you can leave the key when you come, I then said I will pack your clothes and leave them at your parents,instead of leaving them at his friends which is who he is staying with.

Im so mad,he has said how sad he is,and that he misses the kids,which is fair enough ,the think is he has friends to help him I have knowone.

I asked him to leave as he goes out a few times in the week leaving me to it,as a result I have become lonely and depressed plus he just makes no effort to help me at all,I admit im to blame as well.

We have been together along time and he just wont commit,tbh I dont want him to know, as he clearly does not love me,and its a bit of a joke now with our friends,and I lost my temper as its been building up, im obviously the joke for being a mug.

What would you do as he phoned to say he is still is coming to see the kids tonight and drop of money,could I give him a few days to sort himself out,I said id rather you just drop of keys take the kids out and go for good whilst I pack for him.

I dont want to fight anymore,he said your angry and its you who asked me to leave and he cant go on like this,so what would you do as I have knowone to talk to.

MonstaMunch Tue 31-May-11 14:37:31

Id sit down and have a proper face to face talk to decide who wants to do what, and come to a compromise

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 14:37:46

bump anyone

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 14:38:34

Thanks Monstamunch x

Goodynuff Tue 31-May-11 14:38:41

OP, it sounds like you are hurting, and you have my sypathies.
From your post, it comes across that you were at the end of your tether, but spoke in haste. Being asked to leave was likely a hurtful thing for your DP to hear, and now he is reacting to that hurt.
Is there a way for you to spend some time apart, and have a clear think about what you each want?

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 14:42:58

Yes your right I am hurting and having to remain composed in front of the dc's whilst he is with his friends.

We are spending time apart,I have the kids sleeping all in with me at night for comfort.

He has only been in for clothes to wear,hence why I said what I did to him.

katvond Tue 31-May-11 14:48:26

I'm sorry this as happened to you. You both need to sit down and put your cards on the table. You both feel wretched at the mo which means you still love each other. Talk it through. I wish you both luck.

separated Tue 31-May-11 14:56:49

It sounds to me like you both need time away from the house to talk. Could a friend or relative sit with your children so you could go somewhere neutral?
Maybe I am wrong, but my feeling is that there is hope for the two of you to make peace and sort things out so that you can still be a family.
I wish you well and hope that this resolves amicably for all of you.

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 15:22:02

I feel he generally loves his kids just not me anymore?.

I want to talk to him but feels its him trying to call all the shots,,Im not going to beg him to come back and im not being messed about ,if he wants to go he goes,I cant have him coming back for clothes and asking me to give him more time to sort something out.

katvond Tue 31-May-11 15:28:30

But if he genuinely needs time to think how much time will you allow him?
I won't lie and say I've been in your postition so I don't understand want your going through but I've had friends go through the same and all that was needed was time, things like this can't be rushed. You both need thinking time.

notmyproblem Tue 31-May-11 15:44:43

What if you drew up a list of things that need to change if you get back together, and asked him to do the same? Presumably if his list is "nothing" and yours is full of stuff, that's your answer of where it's going and you're right to end it.

If he legitimately wants to make things work, then giving him some time to think it over and come up with his list and then the two of you giving it an honest go would be a better option.

If he doesn't, then cutting ties as you're doing now is the way to go. No need to keep hanging like a mug.

I do think you owe yourself and him a talk in a neutral place to sort it out though. Unless of course your mind is 100% made up and you know you don't want him back. Then do what you said you would -- get him to take the kids out while you pack his stuff.

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 15:55:06

I do want it to work but at a lost where to start tbh. Everyone around us is taking it very badly,friends havent been in contact I feel very alone like im being blamed for it all.

He is coming by later he said today he was not coming back,and it was me who asked him to leave ,I said therfore I wanted him to leave his keys.

He rang back and said he was a good dad and he does things with the kids he didnt before it was left to me.

He has cried for the kids but not for me,says it all really.

Goodynuff Tue 31-May-11 15:59:51

Have the 2 of you tried any sort of therapy?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 31-May-11 16:00:28

Sorry, OP, it sounds as if you unwittingly gave him an 'out' and he has taken it. If things aren't good between you and he doesn't want to talk then you have no option but to give him space. You can pack up his stuff and take it to his parents but you will be forcing his hand possibly, as if he hasn't told them yet, you will make it 'official'.

Keep out of his way, let him see the kids, and just try to use that time for yourself, have a bit of a pamper and make time for yourself to think of what you want. You don't have complete control because it's also his decision what happens to your relationship, but if you decide what YOU want, then at least when he's ready to talk you'll know what to say.

Hope this works out for you, OP, sorry for your troubles.

heartbreakhotel Tue 31-May-11 16:05:51

We have never had therapy,if there was a time it would be now?.

I agree his parents and mine know they have phoned and he has not been here so couldnt avoid it really,they are upset more so for the kids,I think they are hoping we will make amends and think we both need to give each other space,infact he has not spoken to them.

I have not packed his clothes but I thought if I did this then yes I would be forcing his hand lwitw.

He is coming to see kids tonight and give us some money,im dreading it and what to expect.

Goodynuff Tue 31-May-11 16:07:59

now would be the right time. It sounds like you are looking for some help to untangle everything, and it might be a way for each of you to say what you need in a non-judgemental setting, iyswim?

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