I have been friends with X for 20 years, met at secondary school. I spent a few years abroad and just before I returned friend moved 1 hour away for her DH's job. I am a LP and we both work. We see each other every few weeks and talk on phone/ text a lot. 
I have DS 6 and she has DD's 5 (6 in 2 weeks) & 7.
Due round here today and DS out playing when arrived so comes over to see them and I go outside. DS wants to introduce them to his friends and tells them that is Y from my school - pointing over the road. The 5yr old says really rudely 'Do I go to your school, do I know her?' DS said 'no, she goes dancing too like you'. 5 yr old replies (again rudely) 'do I know her?, no, so do I care?, I don't want to talk about it' 
DS looks at me 
I say just ignore it and tell me instead. The oldest wanted to play out but wasn't allowed as youngest said she wanted to go in so I bought DS in too.
They created a mess as expected and when hot lunch nearly ready I said can they just spend the 10 minutes picking toys up. (were going out for afternoon.)
Off they trot - DS and 7 yr old start putting stuff in boxes haphazardly! and 5 yr old sits down refusing to help. Both oldest tell her to help but she says she needs a drink so leaves room and comes to me. I tell her of course, help tidy and I'll make them all one to have with dinner - I was taking things from the oven at the time. She returns to DS room and says loudly enough for the street to hear to DS 'Your mum is lazy, she should pick toys up if it bothers her that much, I hate her stupid rules.'
This upset DS who comes to me. I kissed him, told him to ignore it and that she was mistaking me for someone that cared. (her DD appeared at this point and heard me and so stropped through a huge tantrum!)
Now this is where I was . My friend told me not to be so mean. That her DD was only joking and I shouldn't be telling DS to ignore her DD again whilst hugging her DD and offering her sweets and ice cream when out if shes good stops the tantrum.
I said I wasn't, I had not said anything to her DD, that is her job to disapline her hint hint 
. Things were tense for a few minutes but I served dinner and chat just took off again.
IANBU right - if a child chooses to be rude ( and I believe she knows she was) then they have to expect people to react badly to it?
We have discussed camping in the summer holidays together in my 5 man tent but I think I'll be suggesting 2 tents would be better - its not that big as it is especially if picking your own mess up is criminal.
AIBU?
I'm not being UR right? Friends DC behaviour.
youarekidding · 30/05/2011 20:45
YANBU- If my dd (5 nearly 6) spoke to me like that I would be if she spoke to a friend of mine I would have been incandescant. (we would also have probably left soon after lunch with a promise of treats etc being removed for the forseeable future).
Personally I would be looking at a seperate holiday, unless your ds really gets on with the 7 yo, as a holiday being talked down to by a little madam is not going to be very relaxing for him, you would be better off and more relaxed going off and having quality time together. Particularly if she panders to her every whim and whinge "muuuuum I want to do x y and z today (my dparents's had this when we went away in a big group growing up!).
Wow. I am usually very 
when people start banging on on mn about the Dreadful Behaviour of Other People's Children but that has really shocked me.
The older child sounds quite normal and pleasant - I wonder why the younger one has become such a brat.
Oh yes she heard it both times. We parent differently which I respect and wouldn't tell her DD off if she's there. But I think its fair enough to tell my DS to ignore people who are being mean to him. I've told other children to ignore DS when he's been mean too. 
(tbh though he's never been that bad ^^)
We see each other every few weeks. Her 5 yr old is spoilt, always been the precious 2nd and last dc, but guess now she's very nearly 6 it seems more shocking and deliberate iyswim? And tbf it's never been quite so venonous - the tone of her voice was really cocky and mean.
She does a mean neckshake too.
It just suddenly hit me that I'll probably be in a tent where my stuff will get thrown all over, bedding trampled on, things drawn on and where I'm just expected to smile indulgently. Not my idea of a holiday.
YANBU
I wouldn't go on holiday with them at all. it's parents like her who make a rod for their own backs. Sweeties and ice cream to stop a tantrum . No wonder she behaves as she does, it works and she gets what she wants. She needed a telling off.
Interestingly I just came back from holiday abroad and I couldn't help but notice the difference in the behaviour of children. E.G. a group of children aged about 6 years old that stood in a museum queue with their parents for over a hour in the rain and behaved impeccably, who had beautiful manners and were quiet in restaurants even late at night, same on public transport, same in shops, etc, etc.
As soon as i got back here I noticed the difference almost immediately, a full on tantrum with a young child screaming at his parents "NO I WONT, I'M NOT, NO, YOU BE QUIET!" , children that can't sit still and be quiet on a bus for 10 minutes, don't get me started on behaviour in restaurants. It was quite a stark difference. Not all children here are like that but I did notice a very big difference. Mother's like the OP's friend give their children too much control and leeway,so it's little wonder they behave badly. They need some old fashioned, no nonsense parenting.
I think I agree about how I would get angry if she was disrespecting others and their space/ property and not being pulled up on it.
I really need to talk to her don't I? We are best friends - we get on brilliantly and have always been there for each other.
I think I need to say how this could ruin what we have in the way of friendship - something I don't want.
We did camp together for 2 night a few years ago - I do remember her youngest then kept going in bedrooms and walking all over bedding. Friend just ignores after 5th time of asking - I packed up mine and DS bedding in the end. She was only 3 at the time so seemed less of a respect thing - didn't seem so bad iyswim?
Thing is what I witnessed was basically when the 5yo is asked to do something she doesn't respond at all - lierally ignores her and friend asking really nicely with pleading 'pleases'.
Whom ever said about eldest - yes she is lovely. As is the youngest - on her terms. . Eldest is typical 7yo and answers back sometimes etc (as does my DS) but both are pulled up on it and given a chance to change the behaviour or get a consequence. Actually my friend seemed extremley harsh with her today. 
When her and DS were told to come in - both started to do a Kevin and Perry act. 7 yo questioned why she couldn't play out with DS and his friends and was told because her sister would be left alone and it wasn't fair. DS said 'but y wants to play out too'. but I told him he has guests and so needs to show his manners. His body language showed what he thought of that one.
Actually the above makes my decision - this whole holiday will be run around what the 5yo wants won't it?
bochead bless your DS for trying to learn - to me that means more than the getting it right - it's the effort that counts. 
FWIW My DS will often just say what he's thinking, say things that sound mean but I know aren't meant to be. My job as a parent to is show him hoew to phrase it appropriatly - not tell antone everyone in ear shot 'she/he didn't mean it'. I do feel for the 5yo that one day (prob soon) she'll realise people won't care for the excuses and expect her to behave/ speak to them accordingly.
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She's always been an 'entitled' child iyswim. Did seemed extremly bad today though compared to normal - so maybe mood didn't help?
Thing is she could get in a bad mood on holiday -making me and DS feel miserable. Then I might and say something I should have worded better I don't mean.
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