I'm not being UR right? Friends DC behaviour.(44 Posts)
I have been friends with X for 20 years, met at secondary school. I spent a few years abroad and just before I returned friend moved 1 hour away for her DH's job. I am a LP and we both work. We see each other every few weeks and talk on phone/ text a lot.
I have DS 6 and she has DD's 5 (6 in 2 weeks) & 7.
Due round here today and DS out playing when arrived so comes over to see them and I go outside. DS wants to introduce them to his friends and tells them that is Y from my school - pointing over the road. The 5yr old says really rudely 'Do I go to your school, do I know her?' DS said 'no, she goes dancing too like you'. 5 yr old replies (again rudely) 'do I know her?, no, so do I care?, I don't want to talk about it' DS looks at me I say just ignore it and tell me instead. The oldest wanted to play out but wasn't allowed as youngest said she wanted to go in so I bought DS in too.
They created a mess as expected and when hot lunch nearly ready I said can they just spend the 10 minutes picking toys up. (were going out for afternoon.)
Off they trot - DS and 7 yr old start putting stuff in boxes
haphazardly! and 5 yr old sits down refusing to help. Both oldest tell her to help but she says she needs a drink so leaves room and comes to me. I tell her of course, help tidy and I'll make them all one to have with dinner - I was taking things from the oven at the time. She returns to DS room and says loudly enough for the street to hear to DS 'Your mum is lazy, she should pick toys up if it bothers her that much, I hate her stupid rules.'
This upset DS who comes to me. I kissed him, told him to ignore it and that she was mistaking me for someone that cared. (her DD appeared at this point and heard me and so
stropped through a huge tantrum!)
Now this is where I was . My friend told me not to be so mean. That her DD was only joking and I shouldn't be telling DS to ignore her DD again whilst hugging her DD and offering her sweets and ice cream when out if shes good
stops the tantrum.
I said I wasn't, I had not said anything to her DD, that is her job to disapline her
hint hint . Things were tense for a few minutes but I served dinner and chat just took off again.
IANBU right - if a child chooses to be rude ( and I believe she knows she was) then they have to expect people to react badly to it?
We have discussed camping in the summer holidays together in my 5 man tent but I think I'll be suggesting 2 tents would be better - its not that big as it is especially if picking your own mess up is criminal.
Wow, she sounds like a darling! Yanbu to think she is being rude and your friend should discipline her. I would be mortified if my DD said any of that. How awful for your ds to hear his mum bad mouthed. I would certainly limit my time with this family and arrange to be busy when she wants to go camping.
Did the mother hear her child's rudeness towards your DS?
YANBU- If my dd (5 nearly 6) spoke to me like that I would be if she spoke to a friend of mine I would have been incandescant. (we would also have probably left soon after lunch with a promise of treats etc being removed for the forseeable future).
Personally I would be looking at a seperate holiday, unless your ds really gets on with the 7 yo, as a holiday being talked down to by a little madam is not going to be very relaxing for him, you would be better off and more relaxed going off and having quality time together. Particularly if she panders to her every whim and whinge "muuuuum I want to do x y and z today (my dparents's had this when we went away in a big group growing up!).
Wow. I am usually very when people start banging on on mn about the Dreadful Behaviour of Other People's Children but that has really shocked me.
The older child sounds quite normal and pleasant - I wonder why the younger one has become such a brat.
Oh yes she heard it both times. We parent differently which I respect and wouldn't tell her DD off if she's there. But I think its fair enough to tell my DS to ignore people who are being mean to him. I've told other children to ignore DS when he's been mean too. (tbh though he's never been that bad ^^)
We see each other every few weeks. Her 5 yr old is spoilt, always been the precious 2nd and last dc, but guess now she's very nearly 6 it seems more shocking and deliberate iyswim? And tbf it's never been quite so venonous - the tone of her voice was really cocky and mean.
She does a mean neckshake too.
It just suddenly hit me that I'll probably be in a tent where my stuff will get thrown all over, bedding trampled on, things drawn on and where I'm just expected to smile indulgently. Not my idea of a holiday.
seriously, don't go on holiday with them! If people don't want to spend time with this girl then her mother may do something about her behaviour.
tryharder I agree about others complaining about others DC - it annoys me when its judgemental (which I've tried not to be) <hopes I've passed>. Thats why I knew I'd get honest answers.
I usually take the 'smile and wave' approach to other children's behaviour.
YANBU. And your friend is doing her daughter no favours rewarding her for tantruming.
Yanbi, and don't go away with them, the 5yo will prob upset your ds.
So when I mention to friend about 2 tents. Do I say it will be cramped (which it will) or do I also mention that ground rules need to be set up for when in each others tents -IE you make a mess you tidy it? And mention our different expectations on this is why sharing would be unpleasant? (not a convo I'm excited about having)
I wouldn't go on the holiday. Quickest way to kill your friendship!
I'm thinking that no only is sharing a tent a bad idea, even sharing the holiday would be a mistake. The awkward tension after you said about "whose responsibility it was to discipline her DD" will possibly end up happening every few hours, with increasing anger each time.
I wouldn't go on holiday with them at all. it's parents like her who make a rod for their own backs. Sweeties and ice cream to stop a tantrum . No wonder she behaves as she does, it works and she gets what she wants. She needed a telling off.
Interestingly I just came back from holiday abroad and I couldn't help but notice the difference in the behaviour of children. E.G. a group of children aged about 6 years old that stood in a museum queue with their parents for over a hour in the rain and behaved impeccably, who had beautiful manners and were quiet in restaurants even late at night, same on public transport, same in shops, etc, etc.
As soon as i got back here I noticed the difference almost immediately, a full on tantrum with a young child screaming at his parents "NO I WONT, I'M NOT, NO, YOU BE QUIET!" , children that can't sit still and be quiet on a bus for 10 minutes, don't get me started on behaviour in restaurants. It was quite a stark difference. Not all children here are like that but I did notice a very big difference. Mother's like the OP's friend give their children too much control and leeway,so it's little wonder they behave badly. They need some old fashioned, no nonsense parenting.
dont go away with them,my oldest friends ds slowly turned into a nightmare child over the yrs,we went on holiday together and he was terrible,swore and threatened my dd3 and then accused me of lying about it,his mother had heard as she feebly commented.I invited her to reprimand him and she ignored me. The next day she told my dd she had to share her crisps with him even thi they had both had a packet but he ate his first,when dd said no she told her she wouldnt be having any breakfast the next day. I paked our stuff and drove home at 11 o clock at night,have never spoken to her since adn her ds is now 14 and a right little reprobate.
"do I know her?, no, so do I care?"
"Your mum is lazy, she should pick toys up if it bothers her that much, I hate her stupid rules."
She sounds clever beyond her years. I expect she is a difficult child to deal with.
How sad that she's so grumpy and bitter at 5.
Don't do the camping,sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If the older one is ok then take him with you & say it's not big enough for all of you. She can make of that what she will!
Don't go away with them. If you do go away, go for a weekend in two tents. I would definitely try a weekend first and do not share accommodation. A 5-berth tent for 5 people will be very cramped. If you do go away (we go away for a weekend with 9 families every year), agree that you will do your own thing for half the Saturday and meet up in the evening. You can go around togehter all the time if you want, but give yourself the get-out clause.
I think I agree about how I would get angry if she was disrespecting others and their space/ property and not being pulled up on it.
I really need to talk to her don't I? We are best friends - we get on brilliantly and have always been there for each other.
I think I need to say how this could ruin what we have in the way of friendship - something I don't want.
We did camp together for 2 night a few years ago - I do remember her youngest then kept going in bedrooms and walking all over bedding. Friend just ignores after 5th time of asking - I packed up mine and DS bedding in the end. She was only 3 at the time so seemed less of a respect thing - didn't seem so bad iyswim?
Thing is what I witnessed was basically when the 5yo is asked to do something she doesn't respond at all - lierally ignores her and friend asking really nicely with pleading 'pleases'.
Whom ever said about eldest - yes she is lovely. As is the youngest - on her terms. . Eldest is typical 7yo and answers back sometimes etc (as does my DS) but both are pulled up on it and given a chance to change the behaviour or get a consequence. Actually my friend seemed extremley harsh with her today. When her and DS were told to come in - both started to do a Kevin and Perry act. 7 yo questioned why she couldn't play out with DS and his friends and was told because her sister would be left alone and it wasn't fair. DS said 'but y wants to play out too'. but I told him he has guests and so needs to show his manners. His body language showed what he thought of that one.
Actually the above makes my decision - this whole holiday will be run around what the 5yo wants won't it?
Odd woman. My 6 year old son can really insult people sometimes as he has a disability that means he genuinely doesn't "get" what is appropriate and has a tendency to just blurt out what comes to mind. Howver, thankfully all my friends & some of our neighbours point out his (MANY) errors to him as and when he makes them, if I'm not in earshot to do so. I see it as support not critism of my parenting iyswim. They also praise him when he does something nice so it evens out.
I'd reprimand him severely if he spoke to/of a hostess this way, when visiting friends and I overheard.
It's NEVER his intention to hurt anyone's feelings so he makes an effort not to repeat the same error twice and will go out of his way to try and make amends. The result is that he makes far fewer mistakes than he used to and I am able to take him "visiting", eat in restaurants etc with him, with minimal fuss. He is learning the basic manners that enable us all to function in normal decent society, admittedly it's taking longer than is the norm cos of his disability but I see it as my absolute duty to try. I can't help thinking your friend is going to have a tough time when hormones hit this lil princess and she becomes a teenager. If she's like this at 5 she'll be a total nightmare to parent at 16!
No way would I share a tent - your holiday would be ruined.
bochead bless your DS for trying to learn - to me that means more than the getting it right - it's the effort that counts.
FWIW My DS will often just say what he's thinking, say things that sound mean but I know aren't meant to be. My job as a parent to is show him hoew to phrase it appropriatly - not tell antone
everyone in ear shot 'she/he didn't mean it'. I do feel for the 5yo that one day (prob soon) she'll realise people won't care for the excuses and expect her to behave/ speak to them accordingly.
sorry I dont believe a 5 year old would talk quite like that, I think you are exagerating
FFS Why would I? I have no reason to. The fact you don't believe it though confirms my instincts that IANBU to think it is enough to ruin a holiday.
Is she always like that or could she have been in a really bad mood?
I, as an adult, say things I regret to people when I'm incredibly tired or depressed. So maybe,if she's usually a sweet little girl, it was a one off.
If she's usually like that her mother needs to take some action before she gets any older and becomes completely vile and unmanageable.
She's always been an 'entitled' child iyswim. Did seemed extremly bad today though compared to normal - so maybe mood didn't help?
Thing is she could get in a bad mood on holiday -making me and DS feel miserable. Then I might and say something
I should have worded better I don't mean.
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