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AIBU?

to think MIL saying this on the day of our first anniversary is weird..

42 replies

Happylander · 30/05/2011 19:41

Our first wedding anniversary was on Sunday and we were camping with my brother and his family. Anyway DH mother called him in morning saying happy anniversary. He didn't get voicemail message until much later due to poor signal etc and then sent a text saying pretty much that. MIL then sends a text around 10pm saying is he ignoring her and has he got the hump with her.

AIBU in thinking that is a weird thing to say anyway after he had explained no signal, didn't get message until late but also that expecting my DH to be calling her at 10pm while we are camping is strange but made even stranger by the fact it was our anniversary. We could have been having a romantic meal or something. We weren't though we drinking some booze after making jacket spuds on the Cobb

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Alibabaandthe80nappies · 30/05/2011 19:43

Sounds like she didn't get his text until after she had sent her second one.

She does sound a little oversensitive, but don't read too much into it.

Mollydollydoll · 30/05/2011 19:44

It's a little strange but maybe she thought you got the message and never replied so was ignoring her.

Happylander · 30/05/2011 19:44

Nope she got the text when he sent it at about 6pm. I just find it a bit weird and funny that she thinks her DS is going to be calling her at night on his anniversary

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Mollydollydoll · 30/05/2011 20:08

Does sound strange and rather clingy of her too.

fearnelinen · 30/05/2011 20:13

Give her a break, this marks a whole year of having to share her DS with you !

2rebecca · 30/05/2011 20:22

If I wish someone a Happy whatever by text I don't expect a reply. Many of my rellies aren't glued to their mobiles anyway, and definitely not if it's a special day.
I'd just have sent a reply text the next day saying only just got your message, told you the reception was bad, what's the emergency?
It sounds very needy. I wouldn't be that clingy with my teenage kids if they are camping. They never remember to charge their phones anyway. (Divorced so they're often on trips with their dad)

kaid100 · 30/05/2011 20:29

Well, it's annoying when you think you are being ignored, but assuming she knew you were camping I don't see why she didn't conclude it was a signal problem.

fearnelinen · 30/05/2011 20:34

My MIL does this, she's used to being all girly to get what she wants from him - it used to really grate on me but TBH, I couldn't care less anymore.
He is a typical DS and only really see's or call's her when he wants something. So if she wants to stick out her bottom lip and get all flouncy very time he appears to put me first she can go ahead! She raised him to be like rubbish to his mum. I just let him get on with dealing with her tantrums...I have enough childishness to deal with from the DCs!

lazarusb · 30/05/2011 20:58

Next year get him to ring her while you are pretending to have very noisy sex. That should annoy her

2rebecca · 30/05/2011 21:21

The bloke had already sent his mum one text on his anniversary though, telling her he got her voicemail late as poor signal. As it was his wedding anniversary not his birthday I'm surprised she kept hassling him. It's not supposed to be her day.

springydaffs · 30/05/2011 22:40

weeelll it could have been humour (notoriously falls flat in a text, ime), it could have been that it was so out of character for him not to text straight back that she started worrying that something had happened to him and sent what she may have thought was a light-hearted funny text to check out he was ok.

just exploring the options...

MrsFlittersnoop · 30/05/2011 22:54

You are overthinking.

My AgedMama (82) gets incredibly stressy if she thinks folk haven't received her birthday / anniversary cards etc. She is terrified that ANY of us should think she doesn't care about / acknowledge our important
events and celebrations.

She just needs to know that WE know she cares!

TeaOneSugar · 30/05/2011 23:01

Unfortunately people do expect you to be glued to your mobile and able to answer it at any moment.

My mil is always surprised if I don't answer mine when I'm at work, and yet never hears hers in the bottom of her handbag.

PumpkinBones · 30/05/2011 23:11

After posting on another MIL thread and thinking I should be more generous spirited towards my own, I do just have to share that on my 4th wedding anniversary, MIL saw fit to visit us with a card and gift then spend an hour telling us how unhappy she was with her second husband, and how he loved his dog more than her.

I would wonder if it is meant to be light hearted, but has come across as a bit demanding, and weird.

Driftwood999 · 30/05/2011 23:49

As I have further grown up during my marriage, I feel shame and bitter regret over some of the petty issues I had with my late MIL. I behaved at times like a spoiled brat. Looking back I know it was all about this sort of misunderstanding, and overthinking her motives. It would grow all out of proportion. I hope that I will have a more generous hearted DIL when it is my turn to be a MIL.

Happylander · 31/05/2011 11:04

fearneline Ah yes but she was used to sharing him with his first wife....I'm the second one.
She does have some jealousy issues which were not evident when we first got together. DH run the London Marathon and whenever we saw him running MIL jumped out in front of me and I got a little shove so she could get to him first. DH saw this and so ran around her and planted a big sweaty smacker on my lips to which MIL started saying very loudly, while DH still talking to me, 'Where's mine? where's mine, where's my kiss?'...cue me trying very hard not to start laughing.
Yesterday we had a phone call from her and she said she was coming down Sunday. DH says 'Ok we are going to the fort with Sam's family so it'll be nice to have everyone together' MIL 'No we want you to ourselves and I thought Happylander was going away for the weekend' DH 'She isn't now and you never confirmed you were coming and you hadn't got back to us about in over 3 weeks and HL mum has got tickets. You are more than welcome to come' MIL 'No, Stepdad finishes at 12 on Saturday so we will come down then and stay overnight so we get you to ourselves'
Next thing we know DH is got a text saying how upset he has chosen my family over his and that they won't be coming down Saturday. DH fired back again that she didn't confirm and had only said maybe weeks ago and not spoken about it since and that to call on a Monday and think we aren't busy is daft. They didn't come down to see us Christmas day while my DH was home for 2 weeks from Afghan after saying yes initially but then found my mum was coming too.
Complained that at his first birthday they couldn't get my DS to himself as there were other people here.
AAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry turned into MIL rant. DO apologise!

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fearnelinen · 31/05/2011 11:14

She sounds like mine! Just nod and smile along, no good can come of confronting it, she won't change. Just thank your lucky stars DH can see what's going on and deals with it.

2rebecca · 31/05/2011 12:40

They sound mad. What is all this "get you to ourselves" stuff? You teach toddlers to share, you shouldn't need to teach adults to. I would probably be inclined to tell them I found their "get you to ourselves" comments childish and selfish if they said it whilst I was around.
They sound rude inviting themselves over on Saturday anyway. At least your husband is standing up to them. Do they not like your parents? If they don't it's more understandable, my husband avoids some of his family's social events because he dislikes his sister's husband's parents, but our parents both get on and are happy to be together.
Sounds like they need more friends and interests.

ShoutyHamster · 31/05/2011 13:33

Hmmmm

Nip this one in the bud if you can :)

Time for a well-thought-out phonecall from your DH to MIL, along the lines of 'Watch where you're going with all the 'we want you to ourselves' nonsense, Mum. If you're going to start making it clear that you want individual members of OUR FAMILY 'to yourself', then all we're going to think is that you don't want to be a part of our family. We're a package, and a very happy one, and if you want to carry on being close to us as DS grows up, then you'd better start seeing us as a package. Otherwise we're just going to want to spend more time with e.g. HL's family, who don't make us feel as if you want to see certain members of the family and not others. Don't try the old divide and conquer trick - the one that'll end up divided from us is YOU.'

Pull her up on it now - could save you years of heartache and gritted teeth.

Happylander · 31/05/2011 15:47

They have never said they dislike my family and we are a pretty non-offensive bunch so not much too dislike. My DH is great and said ages I should call her and sort it out over some other stuff...mainly her saying I was just like his second wife by stopping MIL from talking to DS. I had actually never done this and the call she was speaking about, that I ignored was when DS was 1 year old and couldn't have a conversation and wasn't up when she called at 9:30pm! I ignored the call as I was fuming from DH telling me they had all changed their minds about coming for Christmas Day when he was home on leave. I thought it best not to argue with MIL over it when DH hadn't told MIL just how upset and angry he was either. I also thought that, after reading some other posts on here, I should just let it wash over me and keep my mouth shut for once but I have been simmering away ever since which is not healthy or good for my relationship with DH.
So today I wrote her an email and put how much she had hurt my DH, how much it hurt me that she doesn't want to come down when me and my family are around and that my DH and Jake aren't hers to have on her own whenever she says and that my DS has a large extended family that he enjoys being with. That she has had many opportunities to come and see us but hasn't bothered especially when my DH was away for 6.5 months in Afghan...she came down 3 times for 2 hours each time! That she is to stop having a go at my DH and making out he favours my family over his and that she could come down on the Saturday or come down early on the Sunday and have time with DS before we go to fort as well as after but is choosing not to do so.
Oh and she is to stop pushing me and my family out the picture and that I am not like his first wife. There was more but that is basically the jist of it.
I am now waiting for the explosion and repercussions but I can't spend the rest of my married life not saying how upsetting and selfish she is.
DH has read the email I sent and said 'well it needed to be said'

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Happylander · 31/05/2011 15:48

forgive the rubbish spelling and grammer and missing words..............

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Northernlurker · 31/05/2011 16:05

Your dh sounds lovely and very sensible and your mil sounds a bit interesting . I think you expect your e-mail to have caused some ructions BUT it's better said than not. Wanting her married son to herself is absurd behaviour and if you pandered to her, it will get worse. So she has a choice - sort herself out or lose out. I think that's fair enough.

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Wamster · 31/05/2011 16:19

URGH!! I feel for you; I hate this 'mummy's little boy' s*it!! You are lucky to have such a supportive dh, though, you really are.
I know some have complained because their mils are busy having sex and having lives themselves too wrapped up in themselves and aloof but, honestly, I'd have preferred an mil that ignored us than the one I landed myself with!!
Running towards dh with arms opened out shouting 'my darling baby son' Mad cow. She, too, had difficulty understand that I had family, too, and that somehow I had to abandon them to become part of her family. Soon put her right. Some mils need putting right and your mil is one of them. Well done. A good e-mail that is to the point but polite.

Driftwood999 · 31/05/2011 18:16

With the added information from OP, I feel that I had a really nice MIL! OP is MIL "in touch" with the first wife?

Happylander · 31/05/2011 18:58

Nope she hates her as she stopped all contact between DSD and my DH plus them. He had to go to court to get access. She also cheated on my DH and much more general nasty stuff. Being told I was like the ex was not much of a compliment! LOL

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