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to think this thread might help my DS

(14 Posts)
RCToday Mon 30-May-11 01:10:53

DS is 11 and has Aspergers, he is coping brilliantly and I am so so proud of him, he has come from hating school/not talking/hiding under tables/not going outside/not eating - to loving school/yapping non-stop/dancing on tables/outside all the time and eating me out of house and home smile

I have had a very difficult relationship with his Dad since we split up 9 years ago, minor DV, loads of EA and undermining my parenting and lots of court orders

His Dad has never accepted DS has Aspergers, he believes its my bad parenting

He has always pushed him into doing things that I have told him DS is anxious about ie. swimming, barbers, slides, play centres etc

How do I approach this with DS?

btw I have told DS (on professional advice) that his Dad doesnt understand Aspergers because he doesnt live here but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you)

I really think his Dad will cause lasting damage to his mental health if this carries on

DS is very intelligent and can handle facts, its passive aggressive stuff he has difficulty with

I have left out MASSIVE amounts of detail for now as I really want to see if this thread will be any help to my DS

also we are in Ireland, so no CAFCASS or CAMBS and I dont get legal aid so represent myself in court

blackeyedsusan Mon 30-May-11 01:17:03

has the person who diaagnosed ds written to h? could they write to him to say what to/not do to help ds?

RCToday Mon 30-May-11 01:29:25

Yes he has had meetings with all the professionals involved and copies of all reports

RuleOftheJungle Mon 30-May-11 01:39:33

Do you think that his dad might be on the spectrum himself? I know a few parents of AS boys and most of their DHs have AS or have traits themselves, which does affect their ability to emphathise and accept the dx. For most of them, they have to deal with the SN side of parenting alone (quite a few of them have separated/divorced but even when the couples have remained together, they 'parent' alone).

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 30-May-11 01:39:34

Is there an issue about contact?

How often does your ds see his dad, and does he have weekend/overnight stays?

Is your ds's dad in another relationship/does he have other children and, if so, how does this impact on your ds?

blueemerald Mon 30-May-11 01:40:24

This may seem like a lot to put on a child but could your son not explain to his dad that he doesn't want to go swimming and would rather do something he enjoys? Or would his dad still force the issue?

My youngest brother (now 19) has Aspergers and we had to teach him that not everyone disliked the same things as him so he would have to tell them (politely, of course!)

blueemerald Mon 30-May-11 01:42:25

Also, his dad may think ( wrongly ) that he is helping your son by forcing him to get used to things that make him anxious.

RCToday Mon 30-May-11 01:46:45

I do think he has Aspergers and also his father

but that doesnt help in the Irish Court System

How on earth do I get DS to understand this

DS is WAY more high functioning than they will ever be

RCToday Mon 30-May-11 01:51:23

X posts there

DS has told him he doesnt like swimming, so they dont go anymore but his dad still brings it up

I think its too much pressure on DS

RCToday Mon 30-May-11 01:56:24

IZZY - he sees his dad whenever his dad wants, we have been to court about access about 7 times, have a new order every time and he has never stuck to one

Hes gone away for 10 wks now with his parting shots being how shit I am as a parent

backbone needed - can I get it on ebay?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 30-May-11 01:56:47

Are you trying to vary an existing Court Order in respect of the amount of contact your ds has with his father?

Is your ds saying that he doesn't enjoy seeing his father because he is expected to take part in certain activities?

What are your observations in respect of your ds's behaviour after he has spent time with his father?

blueemerald Mon 30-May-11 02:05:18

I would make it that DS sees his dad if he wants to, not whenever dad wants to. I suspect it might not be very often.

If it were me I would then tell his dad that his son does not want to see him or does not enjoy his time with him as he keeps bringing up subjects that make him unhappy. I'm sure you have, but I would then repeat a long list of activities that DS does enjoy.

Could you get his dad to agree on an activity beforehand that DS enjoys and drop son off there? This will only work if he doesn't go for overnight stays.

RCToday Mon 30-May-11 02:13:28

Not trying to vary any existing order, he has never kept to one

DS can see his dad whenever he wants and his dad wants too, he wont see him now until mid aug - his dads choice

Im worried DS plays down his worries and tries to live up to his dads (imo impossible expectations)

DS is very smart, he loves his dad and wants to please him

Im all for that but not if its not good for DS long term

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 30-May-11 02:51:23

You grew a backbone when you came out from under an abusive relationship with your ds's father, and all you need to do now is strengthen it by acting on blueemerald's advice particularly with regard to giving your ds the right to choose when he wants to see his dad.

If you don't aready do so, I suggest you keep a diary of your conversations with your ds's father relating to contact, together with a note of your ds's mood/behaviour after he has had contact with him.

With regard to your statement "DS has told him he doesnt like swimming, so they dont go anymore but his dad still brings it up. I think its too much pressure on DS" can you please elaborate? Is your ds saying that he feels under pressure from his father?

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