to be sick and tired of other people's kids telling tales

[gaelicsheep]

Hi. Not been around here for a while, but this is really rattling me. I also forgot that AIBU is the only topic that gets answered so reposting here. )

My DS is nearly 5 and, like all boys, can get a little over excited and boistrous on occasions. He was at a party today and no less than three kids came up tp me to tell tales on him - he pushed me, he pinched me, etc. I was watching what was going on and he did nothing worse than any other child. They were all just playing as kids do.

The problem is it is so one sided. My DS will never tell anyone, even if another child really hurts him. I hate that I always feel I have to discipline him, to appease the other kid/parent, and yet it never works the other way.

How would you handle this? The last thing I want is to turn him into a tell tale too but I feel really sorry for him right now. Perhaps I'm asking for it by actually paying attention and being available to tell tales to?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

Was he pushing and pinching the other kids though? And if so, did you do anything about it? I think I may be missing the point... But if my DS was hurting other children I would want to know about it. I would also intervene if I saw another child hurting him.

[southeastastra]

unless there is major trouble or injury i tell them to sort it out themselves

a girl knocks for ds and pretends to call the police if he doesn't do what she wants!

[DaphneHeartsFred]

I would be extremely surprised if your DS never tells tales. It's what kids do.

I also think YABU for not wanting to know that your child is hurting other children.

[DaisyLovesMetronidazole]

YABU.

If your son is hitting and pinching, you should discipline him. If you don't know that he is doing these things, you should be told.

[gaelicsheep]

They were on a bouncy castle. Kids fall into each other. But the point is no one got hurt, however I always act on it and warn DS to be careful. That's my mistake cos it seem to be the cue for other kids to whine at me constantly. It really is not one sided, but my DS does not do the same in terms of telling tales, and I'm glad he doesn't. I certainly don't want DS whining every time another kid touches him, and I'm surprised other parents tolerate this. I feel like he must feel he's especially bad. which he isn't. He is a normal child same as all the others.

[gaelicsheep]

Thanks everyone for bothering to read my OP and notice that I said I was watching what was going on and he did nothing worse than any other child. Thanks for assuming the worst of me and DS, Cheers for that.

[SarkyLady]

Tbh if my 4 year old was behaving like this I'd be mortified and not whinging about the other kids.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

If you think these other children are lying/exaggerating, then you need to make that clear to them, and not discipline your DS for something he hasn't done. If he is hurting them, but you believe that this is simply down to him being 'boistrous' on occasion, then you perhaps need to re-think your definition of boistrous. If your son was pushing and pinching my child and this was your excuse it wouldn't cut it with me, and you won't be doing your DS any favours by excusing any aggressive behaviour on his part as simply an expression of energetic male-ness.

[AgentZigzag]

Thing is you tell them to tell a teacher if anything's going on, so they don't necessarily notice a difference between that and 'telling tales'.

When DD1 was about 7/8 a girl from her class would come up and tell me what she'd been up to that day, fuck knows why, probably to try and get her into trouble, I just used to 'Oh did she?' and 'mmm' at her.

They're only learning what can be very complex rules at nearly 5, so don't take it too seriously.

[gaelicsheep]

I mean honestly, do you seriously all encourage your children to run to you with every little thing rather than sort it out themselves. Really? I try to get my DS to tell me because he seriously won't tell me anything about getting hurt - not at the time anyway. But if he was running to me everytime somebody knocked him over during mutual rough play I'd be stamping on that pretty hard.

[SarkyLady]

I did read the Op. Carefully.

[CoffeeIsMyFriend]

gaelicsheep some kids are whiny and tell tales, some kids are not. My DS is not a tell tale at all, just isnt. DD on the other hand can be sometimes.

I think it is an attention thing, sometimes.

All you can do is keep an eye on the situation and see how things go.

[mercibucket]

it does sound a bit suspicious tbh that three different children came up to complain but as you say, perhaps you were too vocal pulling him up on his behaviour so the others thought they'd join in as well
if it was the same, one, child complaining, I'd just shrug it off tbh and not feel any need to tell my child off just to make the parents or other child feel better (assuming I didn't think my child had actually done anything all that bad and the complaining child was just one of those tell-tale types)

[gaelicsheep]

"Tbh if my 4 year old was behaving like this I'd be mortified and not whinging about the other kids." Behaving like what SarkyLady. Were you there? How do you know how he was behaving. That's what kids were saying. What was happening is that they were on a bouncy castle and falling on each other. I did not see any pinching happen at all - hope that reassures you?

[SarkyLady]

Agree dome kids are whiny and prone to telling tales but if this is happening a lot then it seems your Ds is the common denominator.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

.

Why post in AIBU if you're not willing to hear different views? What is the point in your post if not to ask whether or not YABU?

[gaelicsheep]

I think I should have included the bouncy castle bit in the OP. Knocking someone over accidentally on a bouncy castle is not pushing. The pinching bit was an exaggeration on the part of that child. Rather obviously, if I had seen my DS doing those things then I wouldn't be asking this particular question would I?

[ginmakesitallok]

I think it's a balance that kids learn eventually. As agentzigzag said -we- I encourage my dughter to tell the teacher if she's getting bullied or hurt and I would expect other children to do the same. So I can't really complain if other children "tell tales" on her. I would never discourage her from telling me if she has been hurt.

Eventually they learn to "sweat the small stuff" - but til they do we have to be patient.

[DaphneHeartsFred]

Sorry I didn't say what you wanted to hear gaelicsheep, but I have personal experience of this kind of thing which turned out quite badly.

A classmate of my son's was 'boisterous' and DS would often tell me that "X did this and hurt me" and I always took the "Mmmmm - never mind Dear" route. Right up intil X punched DS in the face. They were 6. Be aware that your child may look like he's behaving like the other boys, but he may be pushing it too far.

[gaelicsheep]

SnuffleTurtle. Because this has borne out my theory that MN now only exists as an AIBU bitch fest.

[ginmakesitallok]

sorry that should have been " we I "

[gaelicsheep]

Oops, I wish there was a delete button. What I meant is I only posted in AIBU because my post in Behaviour got no responses.

[Ismeyes]

I definately wouldn't want to encourage my child to continue not telling anyone 'even if another child really hurts him'. You are putting alot of onus on a small child to sort things out himself. Pushing and pinching are different from being bumped into or rough play too. On the other hand, I agree that you don't need to be told every single little thing and that kids have to be shown how to deal with things themselves too, that is part of equipping them for the world and adult life.

I think you need to explore the middle ground, you are seeing this in very black and white terms.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

So if people offer an alternative opinion (thought that was the point of AIBU, tbh) then it's a bitch fest? What is it when people agree with you then? Presumably not a bitch fest?

[gaelicsheep]

I think SarkyLady the common denominator is that I am paying attention unlike any of the other parents. Therefore I am available to whine to.
Other examples that have irritated me in the past are a child initiating rough and tumble, knocking DS over and then complaining when DS did the same back.
A child pretending to point a "gun" at DS and then bursting into tears when he did the same with his stick.
See what I mean?