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to be upset at SIL?

(13 Posts)
puglet123 Sun 29-May-11 20:07:45

Have just come back from tea at my MIL's. We get on really well and she went to a lot of trouble for us. My SIL who lives in he same Road as my MIL was supposed to be going round 30 mins before the meal in order to help MIL. DH, DC and I arrived at the specified time, to find MIL almost in tears ( very inlike her) as SIL is out and hasn't even rung to tell her she is running late!!
SIL has a long history of alcohol abuse and is starting to let people down left right and centre. While I empathise with people who have a drink problem, my sympathies dissappeared when SIL said she wasn't going to counselling as it is full of 'druggies and alcoholics!!!
Has anyone got experience of a family member acting like this and if so how did you sort it out? ANd should I be giving her less of a hard time as she is clearly having a hard time with alcohol??
sorry about therant but I feel so sorry for MIL!

FabbyChic Sun 29-May-11 20:10:21

Your SIL clearly does not see that she has a drink problem.

She isn't bothered about getting it sorted.

rubyslippers Sun 29-May-11 20:11:34

She has to acknowledge the problem before she can start to recover

Only she can hit that point

It's awful for th people affected by it but addictions are complicated

Mollydollydoll Sun 29-May-11 20:11:39

Least you mil as you for support

saffy85 Sun 29-May-11 20:16:47

Does your SIL accept she has an alcohol dependency problem? If she doesn't, that might be why she wont go to counselling. My mum says she refused to go at first for the same reason. Once she accepted that yes, she did actually have have issues she went to AA and hasn't touched a drop in 21 years smile But there is no point attending AA etc unless you know you have a problem.

I don't see the point in giving your SIL a hard time tbh. Addicts are notoriously selfish. You say SIL is starting to let people down- so what, her alcohol dependency isn't a concern to anyone til it upsets her mum? hmm Is it fair/worthwhile to rely on anyone who is ill? I wouldn't/don't if I can possibly help it. Hope your SIL gets help for her problems sooner rather than later. But she has to want to do it. No amount of guilt trips will make her seek help.

springbokscantjump Sun 29-May-11 20:19:04

Sorry don't have experience with family members myself but have seen the effect it can have on those close to the alcoholic. I think that at a point people need to protect themselves from emotional hurt. From what I have seen, alcoholics will only change when they want to, nothing you do will change that. Being very sympathetic and making all sorts of allowances because 'it's not them, it's the alcohol' seems to end up with someone being taken advantage of, let down and hurt.

springbokscantjump Sun 29-May-11 20:21:26

Sorry having read Saffy's post I don't mean to say give her a hard time, but don't rely on her and understand before that she will let you down and that until she realises she has a problem, nothing will change for the positive.

puglet123 Sun 29-May-11 20:23:28

I agree with you all that she has to accept she has a problem, but she says she has! I do agree with you saffy85 that you shouldn't rely on people who are ill, but MIL did ( I never have) and yes now MIL is very upset!
I am going to get flamed for this but it really grates on me that she is off 'sick' from work, but still finds the energy to go to the seaside for day trips and to the shopping mall. That doesn't help with my sympathy when i am working my backside off with 2 DC!!
Do we just have to ride it out then??? Not sure MIL can last for much longer!

ENormaSnob Sun 29-May-11 20:25:18

You can't help someone who won't help themself.

saffy85 Sun 29-May-11 23:15:45

I didn't mean to be harsh I'm sorry if it came across that way. I do feel for your MIL- it isn't easy watching someone you love piss their life down the drain. But there is nothing you can do for your SIL unless she wants to get help.

My mum said she had to hit rock bottom before she did anything. Her rock bottom was being told that she had to sort herself out or lose her kids. She got help for her own benefit, not to save us from a life of growing up in care. It was always about her (still is, but that's another thread altogether).

ll31 Mon 30-May-11 00:04:48

are you sure tho its down to alcohol - your original post says your sil didn't turn up at mils to help organise dinner for u, and ur family? If thats it then maybe she forgot, didnt want to etc ... obv if its serious addiction issue thats another thing but from your original post its not clear it is... just saw your post re her off work.. to be honest it comes across quite nasty -maytbe she is sick???

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 30-May-11 00:06:02

Lots of addicts drink/use when they feel guilty. If you want to help her, MiL and yourself, think about AlAnon. They have good groups and support each other well.

MadamDeathstare Mon 30-May-11 02:12:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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