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(11 Posts)
HelpUsDecide Sun 29-May-11 10:59:40

Please bear with me as I am trying to write this without giving away revealing details.

I know a woman who is a single parent to an 8yr old girl.
The woman is an alcoholic. She already had her daughter in foster care just over a year ago while she went into rehab. Here we are with her back to drinking, and not just socially.

She has lost drastic amounts of weight.

Now this little girl means the world to me as does her mum, I was at the birth and held her before anyone else. The mum tells people "She is her baby but child". So I feel I am doing a great disservice to her.

But the little girl is phoning people to come and help her "Wake mummy up"

The other week the mum called me and asked me to go and help her as she had been drinking and was in a state.

I got there and made her coffee, bathed and dressed my girl, then made them both dinner.

I know if SS get wind of her drinking the little girl will be gone into care and she will be hard pushed to get her back - if at all.

So how or what should we do? There are a circle of 6 friends who are all worried what is going to happen. Please understand we don't want to call SS as she will lose her child, and I know this is not what is best for either of them. She is a fantastic mum, but she has problems.

I would take the little girl while she got herself sorted out but don't know if she would let that happen.

FabbyChic Sun 29-May-11 11:04:21

Double post! Posted on your other thread.

JeremyKylesPetProject Sun 29-May-11 11:08:59

The child is the important one not your friend. Maybe give her an ultimatum? Get herself the help she needs whilst you keep her child out of care or not have your help and her child end up in care anyway. No matter what happens that child is at risk of being removed from her. TBH this isn't a bad thing. I have been the child with alcoholic parents. Its hell on earth. I had 3 siblings to raise though. I wish I could have been rescued but no one cared enough. You sound like an amazing friend.

MumblingRagDoll Sun 29-May-11 11:11:26

Well unless you're willing to take the child into temporary custody with the agreement of the Mum then you are very wrong not to tell SS.

You KNOW there is a child at risk and you are allowing it to happen.

NulliusInVerba Sun 29-May-11 12:12:42

Ask the little girl if she wants to stay with you. Sounds like she likes you and you have helped raise her.

She will possibly say yes, then say this to the mother. Say why doesnt X come live with us while you get yourself sorted.

But you have to be prepared to take the gilr on fully as your own, possibly until she is old enough to live by herself.

If you cant do this, or she says no, you might have to involve SS im afraid.

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 29-May-11 12:17:30

You can take the child into your home with the agreement of the mother and let SS know of the arrangement. SS may then wish to come and meet you, run some checks and carry out an assessment of your home but generally they are fine with this kind of arrangement.

HelpUsDecide Sun 29-May-11 12:20:48

Null, J (little girl) calls me her 2nd mum, I am always there for her. She is going to her dads today until tuesday. Which means tomorrow I will talk to my friend and make her #(i hope) see what she is doing. I will also put to her that J comes and stays with me until she has sorted herself out.

I deal with her as if she is mine as it is. I treat my 2 ds's and J exactly the same.

Nobody else amongst us wants to do anything other than keep an eye on her, but this is notreally an option. However I have a big enough home for her to come here for as long as needed..

NulliusInVerba Sun 29-May-11 14:00:59

HelpUsDecide why cant she stay with her dad? does her dad not want the responsibility of her full time?

You may have to have agreement from the father aswell if hes involved, that could make it more difficult for you if he doesnt agree.

But if J wants to stay with you then she should be able to. Hopefully her mom will agree, then see it as a wake up call and sort herself out.

Mollydollydoll Sun 29-May-11 14:06:55

Tell your friend if she doesn't sort herself out and get into a program then you'll call SS you can look after the child while she gets better.

Mollydollydoll Sun 29-May-11 14:07:49

Helpusdecide have you children of your own?

WillyBumBalls Sun 29-May-11 14:21:19

Molly the OP says she has 2 DS'.

OP as someone who witnessed my best friend growing up with an alcoholic mother I uurge you to put aside your feeling for your friend and look at how this little girl is being treated. It may appear that she is beng looked after and your friend may well be a fantastic mum when she is not drinking but her problems are taking over her life and soon they will determine how J's life is!

My friend is now 21 and has'nt spoken to her mum for 3 years and is in therapy because although outwardly everything was fine the years of having to pick her mum up and help her do the simplest of things because she drank to much just got too much, I have questioned my mum a few times about why no-one ever phoned SS when it was well known she was always drunk and the only reply I can get is that no-one wanted my friend to be taken away and it was'nt so widely done in the 90's.

Thankfully now though this does not have to be the case, if you can commit long term to this little girl and your family and friend's agree then by all means find out if that is what she wants but if not something has to be done for her sake!

I know it's hard but put your feelings to the side and make your friend see that she needs to sort out her issues regardless of what they are because her child is suffering through it.

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