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My sisters wedding - feeling rather upset about the whole thing AIBU?

(128 Posts)
lavenderbongo Sun 29-May-11 00:32:16

So just over 2 years ago we emigrated to the other side of the world. A 26 hour flight away. I was obviously aware that this would mean that I would miss out on extended family gatherings and accepted that. Now last night my sister got married. We had been invited but, there are four of us and we couldn't afford the flights/time of work and so told my sis that we couldn't go.
For the past few weeks I have been strongly suggesting that my Dad and my brother organise something so that we could watch the wedding, or at least the reception via Skype. I explained all the ways this could be done and we even brought my Dad an Ipod so that we could skype over that if the laptop couldn't be used.
Anyway the previous night my Dad said if we kept the laptop on and next to the bed and set the alarm for 2am in the morning (my time) he would skype us and let us see my sis walk down the aisle. (the wedding was in a registry office so did have wireless - he even got the access codes).
So 2am this morning the alarm goes off and I check the laptop. None of the family is on. Affter half an hour I try ringing mobiles to check everything is ok - but no one answers. I wait almost an hour and no one appears so eventually i go back to sleep. Wake up this morning (should be the time of the reception) and still not one in on skype. Not even any pics on facebook.
By this time I am a bit upset (alright balling my eyes out). I thought someone at least would have put a few pics on facebook.
Eventually, late this morning my cousin has put some pics of her kids at the wedding on facebook. Clearly posted whilst she is at the reception. If she can do it why can't any of my own family?
I just feel rather left out and forgotten. I know I made the decision to move over here - but surely someone could have taken some pictures of my sis and stuck them on facebook. Why tell me to set the alarm for 2am if no one was going to attempt to contact me? AIBU to be rather upset?

Northernlurker Sun 29-May-11 00:38:20

I think yabu tbh. Your family were busy celebrating your sister's marriage. You have made a series of choices that meant you have missed this. That isn't their fault and they shouldn't have had to spend the day thinking about you and your needs when your sister was there presumably with quite a few needs of her own.
Yes of course it is upsetting but that's how it is - and will be again in the future the next time something happens and you miss it.

supercal Sun 29-May-11 00:42:15

I also think yabu. Tbh, I think asking your father/brother to skype during the wedding is a bit selfish. There focus should be on your Dsis, not faffing around with technology! Btw, can you skype on an ipod, or was that a typo and you meant iphone? confused

As for putting up FB photos straight away given your cousin did it - well, surely your nuclear family is also your sister's nuclear family and would have been busy celebrating with her?

I suspect that they're laying low because they know you'll be annoyed and they don't want the grief right now.

ClenchedBottom Sun 29-May-11 00:43:20

NorthernLurker - I think that's a bit harsh tbh, the OP hadn't expected her family to spend 'the day' thinking about her and her needs, how hard would it have been to at least send a few photos and apologise for the 2am thing not working out because of wedding excitement or whatever?

lavenderbongo Sun 29-May-11 00:44:01

As I was writing this post I thought that people would probably think I was being unreasonable. I do sound like a rather spoilt brat wanting to centre of attention.
I have said nothing to my family about how I feel and will keep it to myself. I just can't switch off the little voice that is saying "one of them should have bothered to put a picture on facebook - or let me know they couldn't call".

PaisleyLeaf Sun 29-May-11 00:44:15

It's lucky they had their phones switched off then.

lavenderbongo Sun 29-May-11 00:48:30

PaisleyLeaf - I didn't call during the ceremony - I am not that self centered!

amberleaf Sun 29-May-11 00:49:29

I think they could have done the webcam thing if they really wanted to.


monkeyfacegrace Sun 29-May-11 00:54:03

Well im fucking off to vegas next week to get married, so none of my family will see it until we get back. No big deal?

MadamDeathstare Sun 29-May-11 00:59:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-May-11 01:08:04

I wouldn't use such harsh words as northernlurker (grin) but I agree with what she's said, it's the most likely reason your dad didn't get on the skype thingy.

But what comes through most in your OP is how much you miss your family and being in the middle of what's going on.

That's bound to colour how you view why your dad didn't set it up, and the fb piccys.

Try to get that across to your family rather than letting them know how upset you were they didn't do what they said they would.

Congrats and good luck for when you fuck off to vegas monkey grin

Sqee Sun 29-May-11 01:15:47

I don't think you are BU. People should not have arranged things if they were not going to do them. You aren't some weird cousin you are a sister. I can't imagine not thinking about one of my absent children at such an occasion (Given I only have one 3yo DS)

I'm sure you are feeling sad (I would) but don't say much about it just send lots of congratulations, love and sorrys. No need to take the shine off your sisters day. You can always vent on MN!

JamieAgain Sun 29-May-11 01:23:41

I agree they shouldn't really have promised and then disappointed you re. the skype thing, but I can also well imagine what a faff Skyping might turn out to be for someone who is not familiar with it, on day like this. It could easily have not worked out and that's the reason for no contact.

Perhaps they thought your cousin's FB pics would suffice?

Ican see why you are upset, but I can also see why it happened. Sorry sad

BooyHoo Sun 29-May-11 01:52:02

i think YWBU to ask anyone to skype you during a wedding ceremony. they are guests at a wedding not reporters or photographers. to ask them to faff about with laptops or Iphones whilst the bride is walking up the aisle is a bit selfish IMO.

SockShitter Sun 29-May-11 01:53:27

Do you think its possible your sister didn't want a large faff while her Sounds like) computer illiterate dad tried to work skype during her wedding? Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings so just left it. At the end of the day you are being unreasonable- you moved therefore you have to ake the effort not them. I say this as someone who moved abroad as well. If you were desperate to see your sis's wedding maybe you could have gone on your own?

YANBU to be sad though, it can be lonely

SouthStar Sun 29-May-11 02:01:54

Totally understand why you are upset but think its abit ott to ask for someone to skype you during the wedding.
Im sure someone would have taken a video of it that you will see soon.

differentnameforthis Sun 29-May-11 02:42:54

Only people who don't live huge distances from family can think your are BU.

I don't! I also live across the world from my family & they can be arsed doing anything to help me be part of their lives. The last straw was when my sister deleted me from her & her children's fb. So because she won't call/take my calls/email I have NO idea what they are up to.

You feel very out of sight-out of mind.

5DollarShake Sun 29-May-11 02:53:40

I can understand the long distance thing - I'm a Kiwi and DH is Irish, but I'm afraid I do still think you're being a little unreasonable. In the nicest possible way. smile

Are you married yourself? If so, you'll recall how the day goes by in a total blur. There's no way I'd be expecting people to be faffing around on FB on the day itself. Maybe an emailed pic or 2, but FB? No.

I would be miffed if you'd arranged a set time to skype though - and would at least want to find out what went wrong there.

PenguinArmy Sun 29-May-11 03:03:47

I'm overseas myself and I thin YABU

well YABU is a bit strong, but IMO you're over thinking and over reacting to it.

It is a bummer that they agreed to it, but you should have realised that on the day things would probably get overlooked and someone not as close to the bride should have set it up.

iscream Sun 29-May-11 03:30:51

I think it was a technical glitch and your dad couldn't manage it. I am sure there would be pics taken and you will see them soon. I can understand your disappointment, I missed a relatives shower today due to distance.

savoycabbage Sun 29-May-11 03:55:11

Yes, YABU but I don't think that YABU for feeling sad about it. I didn't even get invited to the last wedding in our family as it was a given that we were not going to be able to go. Which we couldn't have but you still want to feel a part of things. She was probably sad that you weren't there too.

They probably thought that they would find time to do it, and it just didn't happen. Or it was too complicated to carry out on the day.

TechnoKitten Sun 29-May-11 04:22:40

I'm overseas (at least as far from my family as OP is from hers) and I think you are being extremely unreasonable.

When we weighed up pros and cons of emigrating the fact that we were inevitably going to miss out on some family events due to distance/costs/time to travel/time off work etc was high up on the cons list - but not enough to stop us moving.

Sorry, lavender, you can't have the best of everything. You chose to move, you chose to accept this sort of thing happening.

I can still vaguely remember my own wedding and I have to say that posting photos online was the last thing on anyone's mind. And I would have hated any sort of skype-cam shenanigans!

Perhaps you should keep an emergency fund for overseas travel so that you can get back home for important events? (that's the compromise we came to, though that said I haven't had to use it yet)

lavenderbongo Sun 29-May-11 04:31:02

Thanks for everyones thoughts (and for being very gentle considering I posted in AIBU!) and I can accept that I may be being a bit unreasonable. I would like to stress though that I have not said anything to any of my family I have simply been venting on Mumsnet. It has helped me to calm down and I will be very nice to everyone when they eventually contact me.

It is very difficult for expats being this distance from family and sometimes does feel like you have been forgotten. Yes we made the decision to move - but we are not uncontactable and I make every effort to stay in touch. Very often though, as others have said, it is not recipricated, and that hurts.

wellieboots Sun 29-May-11 04:49:40

Having recently moved to the other side of the world, I can see why you are sad

We've only been away for 4 months but the first things we missed were two weddings of two very close friends (not family tho) - I felt very homesick on those particular days as I just wanted to be there

Another friend did mention to me, oh my DS and DIL couldn't go to a wedding i the States and they skyped and emailed the bride and groom throughout the day, why don't you do that for the next one? And tbh I thought about it, then decided it wasn't fair to ask someone to faff about trying to organise it.

But if you thought it was all organised and had set the alarm and stuff, then yes, I would have been heartbroken sad

it's all very well to say you chose where you live but you still miss home.

take care x

marcopront Sun 29-May-11 05:30:34

Skype needs quite a good internet connection and uses a lot of internet power (I can't think of the right word). It was my Dad's 80th birthday recently, he had a party and the plan had been someone would Skype me so we could sing Happy Birthday but the connection was too bad. I managed to talk to him on the phone but that was all. Skype on an iphone is very difficult.

I do understand you feel but the blame is probably best put on technology.

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