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.. to think that this is the crappiest birthday I ever had?

(108 Posts)
paulapantsdown Sat 28-May-11 21:23:00

Ok, I know I am not a child, and I don't expect balloons and chocolate cake, but this has been my worst birthday ever. I will explain and you tell me if I am being an idiot to feel so down about this please.

We all went to a friends house for drinks/dinner last night, and lovley friend who's house it was gave me a card and little (very thoughtful) present. Everyone was asking me what I was doing for my birthday, had DH planned anything special etc. I could only answer 'I don't know' as he had not mentioned my birthday to me or the kids up to this point. He muttered something along the lines of "yeah, we are going out".

So, I go home with the kids, he stays behind drinking and comes home at 1am and sleeps in the spare room so as not to wake me. Get up this morning and get handed a - bottle of wine - from the fridge, and a card signed from the kids (not DH) that I had seen on the counter in friends house. She is going to a birthday party tonight and had obv bought this card for it. No card from DH, as he obv had not been to a shop and had just asked the friend for the other card.

Two hour later bunch of flowers arrive from the florists around the corner, again with a card with just the kids names on. DH then announces that he has the teenager next door to sit with the kids tonight so that we can go for a meal in his favourite restuarant. He hasn't actually booked a table, but is sure they keep tables free for show up. This place is 20 miles away. I suggest that instead of risking not getting in, maybe we could do something with the kids. He says 'yeah ok whatever'.

So I am so upset by this point that I go back to bed and have a little cry.

Another dear friend and a my cousin (who is like a sister to me), arrive with thoughtful, prettily wrapped gifts. Nothing too expensive, but thoughtful and lovely. After they leave, we all pop over to my dads house who gives me a card with some cash in it and tells me that it was a good job my cousin had reminded him 30 minutes before that it was my birthday as he had forgotten!

The rest of the afternoon goes by like any other Saturday and now they are all downstairs watching the football.

At 6pm, DH says that the babysitter had texted and were we going out or what? I said no thanks.

His birthday last year :
tickets for Paul Weller (ordered 2 months before birthday)
slippers he needed and had pointed out in shop
some of his favourite chocolates
table booked at nice pub for sunday lunch
a card from me and one from the kids

AIBU to feel totally unappreciated and an afterthought on what should be a day I should be made feel a little bit special by the person who is supposed to love me most? Its the same day every year and yet he obviously forgot until yesterday.

Its not about the cash spent (or not) - just the thoughtlessness that really hurts, and the assumption that a last minute bunch of flowers and a meal out would do - I really would have been happier with a bunch of carnations from the supermarket and a nice lunch made at home - but I was never ASKED what I might like to do, and no thought was put into anything for me.

Am I being a brat?

ScaredyDog Sat 28-May-11 21:27:36

YANBU - but sounds like you had a better birthday than mine!

My 30th was a bit of a let down. Went shopping with my mum, brother and his GF (Mum lives a long way away and she came up for the weekend and DB specifically asked would she go shopping with him on her visit) while DH and stepdad went boy shopping, looking at bikes or something.

Thought we'd meet up with them after shopping with mum, instead they went to the pub.

Sat around doing nothing all afternoon until we went for a Chinese up the road for dinner. Stepson left my present in his mum's car (don't think I ever had it actually!) and it was generally underwhelming.

DH better organise something decent this year!

FakePlasticTrees Sat 28-May-11 21:29:11

YANBU - DH knows its the effort that counts more than the amount spent, I expect effort, and if not, he's got to spend a lot to make up for it.

Tell your DH you're not happy, tell him that you feel like he's made no effort and you are disappointed. Otherwise he won't know.

Oh, and next year, mention your birthday in advance. (e.g. start with, "Wow, May already! It's nearly my birthday!" then a week or so before, "have you already sorted my gift, because if not, I've seen a really nice pair of shoes/coat/bag I'd like and wondered if you wanted to get me that.")

worraliberty Sat 28-May-11 21:31:15

Yes you are being a total brat I'm afraid!

Just to put things into perspective...

My son is 12 today and all he wanted was a friend to stay, a cheap chocolate tray bake from Morrissons (£4.99) and a board game. His face lit up and he was so utterly grateful for any little gift he opened..even a pack of felt tips from the pound shop.

He's bought you flowers, given you a card and offered to take you to dinner. Other people have also given you cards and gifts...and you 'had a little cry'?? hmm

Sorry but you did ask. I really can't stand Birthday Divas, it's just the anniversary of the day you were born...not a massive deal grin

CheshireDing Sat 28-May-11 21:33:19

Sounds crap, I feel for you.

Have you told him it was rubbish? Coupled with a bit of bawling that should make him feeling guilty enough grin.

Hassled Sat 28-May-11 21:33:37

I don't think you're being a brat - and the point is, even if other people have lower expectations, he should know at this stage what your expectations are.

But don't do the silent sulking thing - it won't achieve anything at all. Sit him down and tell him it's been crap, that you feel unvalued and unappreciated and that it's not fair on you. He sounds like a man who needs the blindingly obvious pointing out.

Sirzy Sat 28-May-11 21:33:55

It would have been nice if he had gone to more effort, but then the little bit of effort he did make was thrown back when you didn't go out for the meal. Unless its a big birthday I don't really expect any sort of fuss for my birthday though tbh it is just another day to me!

There again, after my birthday last year was spend with DS critically ill just having him around on my birthday this year was enough.

TartyMcFarty Sat 28-May-11 21:33:57

YANBU, but for future reference, take at least some of it into your own hands, even if it's, 'I'd like to go [here], can you please sort it out?

This year I bought my gift and gave it to DH for wrapping. Boring, but no disappointments!

Happy birthday, anyway.

diddl Sat 28-May-11 21:35:33

YABU-you could have gone out-you chose not to.

What bearing does what you did for his bday have to do with anything?

You did what you wanted for him, he did what he wanted for you.

Would be pissed off at no card, but flowers & a meal out-lovely!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Sat 28-May-11 21:36:56

Maybe you and your DH have a different expectation of birthdays and he doesn't realise what you are looking for. My DH's family don't make a big fuss of birthdays at all (adult birthdays are barely acknowledged) so he didn't appreciate that it means more to me. Now I have a chat with him a week or so before my birthday along the lines of "its my birthday next Sat, I expect a card, a bunch of flowers and family meal..." Perhaps its not the romantic thoughtful ideal but on the other hand I do get the birthday I ask for.

MooMooFarm Sat 28-May-11 21:37:32

YANBU - you may be coming across a little brattish in your post, but I can see where you're coming from.

It's not about the money, it's about your H making you feel special, and he's not doing that. Have you told him how much his thoughtlessness upsets you?

Shaxx Sat 28-May-11 21:37:55

I don't think it sounds like a crap birthday but obviously you enjoy a bigger deal to be made of it.
I agree with FakePlasticTrees - next year tell him in advance. Drop hints etc. A lot of men tend to be rubbish about this kind of thing. My dh included.
I put reminders about my birthday in his email calendar.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 28-May-11 21:38:17

Yabu, you should always expect and get chocolate cake.

Previously I have gotten myself something afterwards and handed it to dh saying give this to me and say sorry this is what you should have recieved. Andcyes one year it was a fat, dirty choc cake grin

takeonboard Sat 28-May-11 21:40:42

YANBU at all and I can't understand why some people do this, don't they get pleasure from giving and choosing something they know you will love?
Happy Birthday wink

gapants Sat 28-May-11 21:40:57

I get it, he has done stuff, but its stuff that is without much thought and it has hurt you.

I bet you would have rathered no flowers, and a lie in, a couple of home made cards, breakfast in bed and then maybe a picnic with the kids at a nice park or something. Something that took a wee bit of planning and time.

thing is though, you are being a bit passive aggressive about this. You should have said...something!

Icouldabeensomebody Sat 28-May-11 21:42:56

Would give anything to have a DH or DP to forget about my birthday or not make much of it. OP, you are one of the lucky ones!

TheFrogs Sat 28-May-11 21:43:13

I wouldn't necessarily say you were being a brat but I would try and think of it like this: If you are happy in general, have good friends and family then that's all you need. It's just one day and men are notoriously crap at remembering birthdays. At least he tried to make an effort when he remembered smile.

Why did you cancel the meal btw? Couldn't you have phoned beforehand to see if any tables available...seems a shame.

millie30 Sat 28-May-11 21:43:25

Worraliberty, your son sounds lovely!

I think YABU OP, you got gifts, cards, money, flowers and the offer of a meal out with a babysitter organised, and you had a little cry? I wish my birthday had been that terrible!

TheSkiingGardener Sat 28-May-11 21:46:26

You care about him and showed it in your thoughtfulness for his birthday. He has unfortunately reflected his consideration for you as a person in how much thought he put into your birthday. This isn't about your birthday, it's about your DH and your relationship. Grab him by the nuts and tell him to treat you as a person and appreciate your presence or else next years birthday cake will have a nut centre piece.

Now, have some wine and think about all the lovely people who did remember your birthday and showed how much they care.

smelli Sat 28-May-11 21:47:29

Is the problem really the birthday or is it just a symptom of feeling generally unappreciated? If it's the former, organize yourself a better birthday for next weekend. If it's the latter, you need to talk.

stoatie Sat 28-May-11 21:49:33

This is your worst birthday ever? - card, flowers and offer of a meal out (with or without children). Not going to get into "top trumps worst birthdays" but really??? I am sure that many people have much worse than this. I appreciate it may not have been the fussing over you wanted but so bad that "you went back to bed to cry?"

Tell you OH what you want out of a birthday - for some people birthdays really aren't important (I am guilty of that one!). For Christmas I buy my own pressies, however OH knows I expect one surprise gift (could be a bar of Tesco value soap, I will be happy if he has made effort to source and buy me a pressie) and I expect him to wrap them...........

MonstaMunch Sat 28-May-11 21:50:16

i think you are being pretty daft really

you got wine and flowers and a night out (offered) plus lots of gifts from friends and family

why not give a thought to all those in the world with no one to even say Happy Birthday to them

silly woman!

paulapantsdown Sat 28-May-11 21:52:08

I am sorry that some of you have missed the point - I dont CARE about flowers or a meal out (which I didn't get because there was no booking made!) I genuinly did not care if I go NO PRESENTS - I appreciate my friends efforts, I just would have liked my DH to actually SAY happy birthday and put a little thought into something special - NOT expensive.

I am not a birthday diva - I havn't had a birthday party since I was 21!
I mentioned his birthday last year to illustrate the thought and love and effort that was made to make him feel loved. Throwing a few quid down on the counter of a flower shop round the corner this morning does not constitute an effort. A packet of crayons like liberties son would have made me very happy!

ohmyfucksy Sat 28-May-11 21:52:37

I don't think it sounds that bad.

You could have gone out for a meal but said no. You could have rung the restaurant to check they had free tables/book a table. He bought you flowers. Other people got you things and made a nice effort.

I can understand that it's not the perfect birthday but I think you're being a bit sensitive

rathlin Sat 28-May-11 21:55:03

YABU - After you have a seriously crappy birthday (yours doesn't even come close to falling into that category), then you soon get over the material aspects of the day. It's how you are treated all year round that matters, not on one day.

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