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To suddenly be hit with the realisation that my weight has impacted my life and that of my DC?

(39 Posts)
WeepinWillow Sat 28-May-11 16:21:20

...in a big way.

My life is crap right now. Financially and emotionally but worse of all my DDs are having a lot of problems which i feel helpless about although i try very hard to guide them through it all and look after them and hide my despair from them. Oldest is an adult, youngest nearly 15.

Everything was so different up until 12 years ago. I was happy and healthy and secure. Skinny child, slim adult but didnt think much about it and certainly never high maintenance in looks dept. Married first boyfriend and was happily married for 15 years until i started to put on weight. It was gradual but after 2nd DD very noticeably larger. I just seemed to lose control and food obsessions were extreme. Dont really know why. H would try to drop subtle and not so subtle hints - worse one being that he doesnt find large women sexually attractive!

Eventually he left me and i just got bigger and bigger...

Till we get to today i am now grossly obese at 18 stone and lead half a life. I work but mostly avoid eye contact with people and as large as i am if i do speak to someone i seem to be invisible as i get nothing back!

I am barely paying the bills and dont know how much longer i can pay my mortgage. Ex is leading happy life with the skinny woman he thinks he deserves (he is a fitness fanatic as is she). My DD have both had bullying and relationship issues with low self esteem and some counselling. I am never negative about their dad and they still see him but he is very distant and not particularly interested in them if i am honest.

It hit me today like a ton of bricks that if i had stayed slim and fit, he probably wouldnt have left me as he did struggle with it for years, i would have been financially secure and able to offer a better life to my DD but most of all they wouldnt have all these insecurities that the divorce and my depression has passed onto them. AIBU to take full responsibility for my own life and the impact my greed and lack of control has had on my DDs? Maybe thats what been missing, i havent taken responsibility before and have happily put myself as the victim in my sorrowful tale?!!

squeakytoy Sat 28-May-11 16:25:46

You cant turn back time, but you can turn your life around, at any time you want to, and I am sure your kids DONT blame you for anything, and love you no matter what size you are! smile

Mollymax Sat 28-May-11 16:30:39

You have made the first move to a new beginning
If you are serious about losing the weight go along to your GP if your BMI is above a certain level, you can have access to free slimming classe.
It is not to late to make a difference, put the past behind you and look forward.
Good luck.

Tortington Sat 28-May-11 16:32:45

you could have stayed thin - but tbh - he would still be a superficial cunt.

i lost four stone low carbing see www.carbfree.wordpress.org my blog. i can't tell you my bouts of utter dispair before i lost the weight - but i think its a little bit like depression - you reach rock bottom before you realise the only one that can make things better is you

give me a shout if you want to low carb and i'll help you though.

mn has lots of different eat ing plan groups and they will all be overjoyed to help. you will get some daft bitches coming on telling you its not rocket science - eat healthily and exercise - but it life were that fucking easy we;d all be slim - i mean its not like we don't know this shit right? we have to find the eating plan thats best for us. i binged. i wouldn't eat in front of anyone becuase i felt gross. i hated meals out.

i love food. i know all people like food - but i love food, i LOVE food. i love crisps, i love cakes i love fruit i love bread, i love food.

low carbing makes you realise its all about sugar addiction - everything has sugar in it - bread has sugar in it - and then you realise that sugar is like crack - that your body goes into a dip and screams I WANT SUGAR NOW BITCH ..and you go stuff your face.

anyway i'm here if you want anything x

Chandon Sat 28-May-11 16:36:00

Join other people who are in the same situation, online and in real life.

And try to take control of your own life without BLAMING yourself. You are well rid off your ex.

HaughtyChuckle Sat 28-May-11 16:36:04

Just wanted to give you and E- hug, weight is something you can do about,

I think weight is often tied in withmore serious underlying troubles like stress in your life, It is a form of self harm in some cases (not saying yours is )

being big doesnt make you a bad person just means you've picked up some bad eating habits.

WhoWhoWhoWho Sat 28-May-11 16:38:01

Bravo custy, I agree he would still have been a shit bloke to have around, what kind of role model is he for your DDs whe he is so obviously superficial??

I'm addicted to sugar too, and caffeine -I may peruse the low carb path myself.

OP I'm sure your DD's are just glad to have you, their lovely mum around supporting them and just being there for them. Have you been to CAB if you are struggling to pay bills? They may be able to help.

Tortington Sat 28-May-11 16:43:33

www.carbfree.wordpress.com

not org sorry

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 28-May-11 16:49:04

I think you need to deal with each problem seperately. You can't blame yourself and your weight for any of the problems you mentioned.

Your husband leaving was HIS fault and HIS decision.
Your financial troubles are seperate from your weight and millions of people from 5stone to 45stone have them.
Your daughters problems and relationship with their father are not down to your weight and they only need your love and support, not your size 10 bikini body to get them through.

Your weight is having a negative effect of your health but it seems to be affecting your confidence and self esteem so much more and making you feel like you are unable to deal with all ^ that.

18stone is easily salvageable. I was 18 stone last august. Now I am 11stone and running marathons. You can do it, do NOT put it off any longer. Do NOT think 'i'll tackle it when I've got my arrears sorted' etc. Start NOW. Go to your GP and tell them everything. You may need counselling, you may need referrals etc.

Losing weight takes up no time or money (bar slimming clubs/exercise) so can be done alongside tackling all of your other problems with the added bonuses of;

-improved self esteem
-improved energy levels
-better health
-no more feeling of guilt and blame

Good luck

GypsyMoth Sat 28-May-11 16:49:26

i have to say,i was introduced to low carbing by custardo...she may not know it,but i lurked on her blog and followed some advice she gave on threads. it really does work!!

i've lapsed a few times,but gone back to it. also the couch25k.

i was heavy,but not only do you get lighter,but the enthusiasm builds. and before you know it,you are starting to change.

i

WeepinWillow Sat 28-May-11 16:49:47

Thank you all so much, this has made me sob a little! I think despair is the right word rather than depression. I am so low at the moment but this is the bottom i needed to reach before i crawled my way back.

I really should be low carbing as i have PCOS but know i cannot blame all of my weight gain on this as i have massively overeaten especially sugar in all its forms! I am going to make a start today!

And you are right the best 12 stone i lost was in the form of exH.

Thank you :-)

Jennytailia Sat 28-May-11 16:52:14

To me it sounds like your weight has affected your self confidences. But it HASN'T cost you your marriage.

Sounds like he is with a like minded partner now. Probably more to do with interests than looks, but even if it was down to that then
Like the other posters say your best off out.

If you want to change then do it for your future, not for what could've been.

Good luck.

TheCrackFox Sat 28-May-11 16:52:54

You could argue that your weight gain happened because you were very unhappy because your DH didn't love you properly or treat you with respect. If your DH isn't that interested in his DDs that is not because you are not slim but because he is a bastard.

Regardless, you sound like you are ready to lose weight which can only be good for your health. I suggest you go and have a chat with your GP.

TheCrackFox Sat 28-May-11 16:54:45

YY to sugar being addictive. If you crave sugar all the time then please do not do a "low fat" diet as most low fat food is stuffed full of sugar to try (and mostly fail) to make it taste palatable.

Good luck. x

Ephiny Sat 28-May-11 16:54:47

A decent man wouldn't have left you and the children, just because you got a bit fat. Either there were deeper problems meaning things wouldn't have worked out between you anyway, or else he's so superficial and looks-obsessed that you and your DDs are probably well rid of him.

That's all in the past now, all you can control is what happens next.

I do sympathise, have struggled a lot with eating problems myself and know what you mean about the obsessions and loss of control. It's more than 'greed' sometimes, it's sometimes the only way you know of coping. I always think, at least it's better than having a drinking problem or a drug addiction or something! It sounds like you're ready to start doing something about it though, and good for you. Come on over to the diet/weight loss section, there are lots of very supportive threads for people trying various diets/non-diets.

ccpccp Sat 28-May-11 17:02:30

Dont forget exercise! Build it into your lifestyle and learn to enjoy it. Start very slowly though if you havent been active in a while.

Good luck smile

TattyDevine Sat 28-May-11 17:03:59

Losing weight won't make your problems go away. It wont make you money, it will improve your confidence to an extent but in a quite superficial way - it won't make you suddenly good at public speaking or confrontation or anything like that!

It wont transform your daughters, it won't make your ex-husband think "wow look what I'm missing" unless he is the most superficial of superficial barstards I suppose.

But its still worth it, as long as you realise that, but do it just for youself because you want to, not because its a magic bullet, because its really not.

WhereTheWildThingsWere Sat 28-May-11 17:06:20

Another thing to look at when you say you crave sugar in all forms is a book called Potatoes not Prozac alongside Radiant Recovery (both the same person her book and web site with support group).

It is about sugar (in all forms sugar/white carbs/alcohol) addiction and recovery, but is also totally mood, health and life changing.

I am only a couple of months in and cannot believe the difference it has made.

Read a little on her website first, it is not a 'diet' and so not for everyone, but if you are sugar sensitive it is little less than a sodding miracle.

WhereTheWildThingsWere Sat 28-May-11 17:07:20

Oh and couldn't have agreed with custardos first sentence more.

BlooferLady Sat 28-May-11 17:08:09

Hello! I'll just nod emphatically at what everyone has said. Your weight has not caused any of the things that has happened to you. There are so many ways to get a hold of your weight issues, both food-related and personal (you mention food obsessions and I think perhaps talking through these issues with someone might help?), and I'm sure with support you'll find the right one for you - you've already taken the first step!

If you find you need a bit of a chat about it all, or day to day support on keeping a check on what you're eating, and advice on all things healthy, there's a nice friendly (but occasionally fearfully stern grin) thread here, and we'd be chuffed to see you drop by occasionally - but there's loads'n'loads of support here on MN. If I were you I'd window shop 'em all till you find the best of the bunch (ie, us) grin

Good luck! It's potentially a very exciting year for you!

fairydoll Sat 28-May-11 17:09:42

Rubbish! It is not your fault your partner left you because you put on weight!!
You have to believe what a wonderful person you are as you are.

bellavita Sat 28-May-11 17:12:46

You poor love.

That is a fab post custy. OP, I saw custy at the mn meet last November, she has the most fabulous figure, so if anyone can help, she can smile

I did low carbing last year and I felt loads better.

aldiwhore Sat 28-May-11 17:16:54

Good luck, hope you find the right diet for you, I'm doing Slimming World and adore it, and am eating more lovely food than I ever have done, nothing is off limits either. I've lost 18lbs in just over 2 months without feeling like I'm on a diet, the meetings are amazingly supportive and I feel like I'm not just losing weight, but gaining confidence and a 'can do' attitude that's already seeping into every single area of my life.

Do not look back, none of the bad stuff has been solely down to being overweight, you deserve more from yourself than constantly telling yourself its all your fault.

Go have a chat to yourself in the mirror (you'll feel silly) but ONLY say nice things to yourself. Its quite hard, but actually important for starting to build your self esteem. You will feel better when you're losing weight, you'll need support and kindness, from yourself more than anyone else.

AlpinePony Sat 28-May-11 17:17:18

I see bloofer has beaten me to it because I was going to recommend the exact same thread. smile

As everyone else has already said, a man who nips out the door the minute you put on weight/go grey/sag isn't worth having and as your confidence soars you will feel and believe that - but it's not surprising right now that your confidence is low.

I know it's a scary thought and it sounds like platitudes, but exercise really does lift the spirits. I find that lifting weights - or using the weights machines at the gym - is a fantastic mood booster - it makes me feel invincible! Bigger girls can lift weights well and of course muscle burns calories simply by being there, and no fancy footwork required! grin There are sports you can do when your mobility or confidence are low. Gym instructors are not ogres, they are generally lovely, kind people who will want to help you improve your health - and you won't be the first larger lady to pick up a fling in the form of a gym-instructor either. blush <cough> <points at Vanessa Feltz whose husband also left "blaming" her weight hmm>

NomadInNowhere Sat 28-May-11 17:17:34

OP, if you can do this, try and stick to it. Set yourself some goals and you will gradually start to feel better about your weight and maybe gain a little confidence, however, like the others said it is not going to change all your problems and I very much doubt that your Husband left solely because of your weight gain. I have never been to a gym in my life and am not a huge fan of diets, but I try and do small things, I make sure I get out for a walk every day and give myself a purpose for doing so. I go out and buy dinner everyday now from the supermarket instead of have it already in the house so it makes me get out with husband and toddler to feed and another on the way.

If your husband really didn't like the way you looked did he ever try and get you to go for walks as a family or similar things? There are many ways he could have helped you instead of making comments about your weight and I wonder if he tried at all to do this?

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