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to take DS key away from him?

(16 Posts)
Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 06:03:26

Before I start I would like to make it clear that DS is 20.

He is currently unemployed (has CP and has had one interview in 18 months but thats another rant) so is around the house alot. I went out yesterday, told him when i would be back and he said he was going to his mates and would be staying over. All good.

I got back a wee bit earlier than expected and when I tried to unlock the door (deadlock rather than Yale) it was already unlocked. I was a bit annoyed as our door opens straight onto the street and the rule is that is must be kept locked at all times. So I shouted that I was answer. Looked for him and no sign. He had gone out and not bothered locking the door behind him! I rang him and he got very stroppy with me and just kept saying "look I am sorry, OK?" to which I said that no it wasnt ok, and if we had been burgled there would be sod all we could do about it as the house wasnt secure so the insurance wouldnt pay out and did he have several thousand pounds to replace the TV, laptop blah blah?

So i yelled at him that when he got back to today he could hand his key over and if we werent here when he got back in future he will have to wait on the bloody doorstep. Of course my mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his backside, said I was over reacting hmm I think he was lucky I couldnt get hold of him. It was partly the fact that he didnt lock the door but to be fair, I have done it a couple of times when we have been in a rush in a morning, we all make mistakes. It was more his attitude of "SO? It was ok so whats the fuss about?" which made me so mad. When I did it I was paranoid about not doing it again, but he doesnt give a toss.

So, should he keep his key?

clappyhands Sat 28-May-11 06:27:51

That wouldn't solve the problem of him going out and locking up or are you planning that if you have to go out, he must leave the house as well?

ChunkyMonkeyMother Sat 28-May-11 06:28:24

In all honesty I think you'd be making more work for yourself - If he's not bothered by it all then I doubt he'll be bothered by having to wait a little while to get in but you'll have to constantly make sure you get in on time and not be able to do things such as pop into the shop on the way home from work/days out etc - Personally I have some problems with my DH not putting things back where they belong so I tend to hide them and when he asks where they are I matter-of-factly say "Oh are they not in X place where they should be?" Perhaps you should 'steal' his laptop for a while and then if he asks say "Oh when I got home the door was open so it could be anywhere by now".

Or bite the bullet and change the type of lock you have to make things easier for yourself (especially if you have done this previously) sometimes its easier to avoid these problems by eliminating them!

Hopes this helps, good luck!

Bluemoonrising Sat 28-May-11 06:30:02

I think YABU.

He's twenty. He made a mistake. He isn't beating himself up about it - why should he? We all make mistakes. You have done this yourself more than once, as you admit, he has done it once.

He said sorry. I suspect he only got stroppy because you were harping on about it. Which in turn will make him less likely to forget in future.

Perfection is hard to live up to.

Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 06:35:01

I didnt "harp on about it" this was one phonecall lasting about a minute! Nor do i expect perfection and yes, I have done it myself.

I think the problem is that he is one of those people who really doesnt care about anything aslong as it doesnt affect him directly. He has very little respect for this house and its contents, including the family, unless there is something in it for him. For example he will speak to me like a piece of shit one minute and then is all sweetness and light the next because he wants a lift or something, and I think this has annoyed me so much because it is just another example of "not my stuff, not my problem" that we get all the time.

His whole attitude to everything can be summed up with "So?"

Jennytailia Sat 28-May-11 06:36:31


He said sorry, I know he made a mistake but even I hate those 'what if' lectures. You got his back up by ringing him whilst he was at his friends.

I may have reacted the same if I'm honest.

You said sorry wasn't good enough. Then what else could he have done/said?

Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 06:39:31

Yes, he said sorry but there is saying it and meaning it and he didnt, it was a "kevin the teenager" sorry.

Bluemoonrising Sat 28-May-11 06:40:03

It sounded like you harped on from your post - "I said that no it wasnt ok, and if we had been burgled there would be sod all we could do about it as the house wasnt secure so the insurance wouldnt pay out and did he have several thousand pounds to replace the TV, laptop blah blah?"

I apologise for misreading.

But if he doesn't have a key - he will never be able to lock the door when he goes out, will he?

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 07:36:11

Perhaps it's time to think about him making the move towards independence?

The longer adult offspring remain in the parental home, the longer they remain children, imo.

I don't mean getting in his face and yelling GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! or anything, but I see it all the time. people in their 20s, and older, living with their parents and they aren't adult in the same way as people of the same age who live independently are.

Perhaps it's time to begin preparations for the move to a home of his own?

When he has his own home, he may realise what the fuss is about instead of having a "so what" attitude.

Just a different opinion.

Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 07:40:42

I have thought the same Haecceity but he is disabled with cerebal palsy and while living independently isnt out of the question, without a job I dont think it doable at the moment. As soon as potential employers have found out about his CP they dont want to know, and we know for certain that 1 company dropped his application because of it but because we have no proof other than the word of someone who works there and wouldnt testify for fear of their own job, we cant to anything about it sad

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 07:51:07

That's bloody disgusting!

What about - and I know that you should even have to think along these lines! - applying for jobs with organisations that work with / support people with disabilities? Surely at least they wouldn't be so bloody - I can't even think of the word!

I used to work for a housing association that provided supported housing for people with ld.

Maybe that's something to consider.

I know it's hard when you have a child with a disability and you have to move them forward to independent living.

I know it is very different, because of the different nature of the disabilities and the different challenges but my boys both have autism, and the eldest also has erbs palsy. They are only 10 & 12 now, but we are already starting to think about the time when we will begin to support them to live independently - be that supported shared accomodation, or own flat with support workers or whatever, and beginning to give them the skills they will need.

It's difficult, I know. Especially when there's a part of you that just wants to hold onto them and protect them from the world (I'm hoping that's not just me blush )

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 07:53:44

maybe that's something to consider - not specifically working for a housing association providing supported housing for people with ld!!!! working for an organisation that works with / supports / etc people with disabilities.

again, in an ideal world we wouldn't have to think along these lines because employers wouldn't be BASTARDS. But what can you do?

Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 07:54:56

Perhaps thats why i am so mad over this key issue.

I have been trying to encourage him to live as independently as possible while here and the fact that he cant even remember to lock the door behind him leaves me worrying what he will be like when he does eventually leave!

On the one hand I want to sort the world out so it is perfect for him, and on the other I get mad when he almost expects me to do that for him, does that make sense?!

Bogeyface Sat 28-May-11 07:58:10

I have encouraged him to go to Remploy and other companies that specialise in helping people like him, but its all just too much like hard work angry

That makes me mad because he seems to have this attitude that a job should just fall into his lap with minimal effort from him, and with his issues he needs to work harder if anything. I am not suggesting anything out of the ordinary but at the moment there are older and more experienced people than him struggling to get a job so everyone has to work harder to get a job but that seems to pass him by.

that has nothing to do with his disability but everything to do with his attitude to life in general. Everything is too much like hard work unless it is to do with his hobbies sad

Goblinchild Sat 28-May-11 07:58:55

My Aspie has similar forgetfulness issues about keys and locking up, I gave him a serious warning and told him I would take his key when he went out, slammed the front door to lock it but left the back door wide open for several hours.
He has become much better at remembering, took a while but it's part of his routine now. He used to forget to take his key as well.
I'd try and make the decision separate from the irritation at being a cocky 20 yo who doesn't see the possible consequences.

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 08:05:35

"On the one hand I want to sort the world out so it is perfect for him, and on the other I get mad when he almost expects me to do that for him, does that make sense?!"

Perfect sense, Bogeyface, perfect sense. I am exactly the same.

We can't protect them from the world. We have to send them out into it, as prepared as we can make them. (whether they have ld, physical disabilities or no disabilities at all!)

'Too much like hard work' is typical 20yr old living with mum bone idleness, I agree!

Perhaps you need to talk to social services about a planned transition to independent living?

If you don't, you'll still have a moocher taking up the sofa when he's 40! grin

are you in touch with these people?
or these people

Remove his excuses.

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