...to be feeling so fed up(6 Posts)
I've name changed for this because, although I don't post very often on here, a RL friend knows my MN nickname and I wouldn't want her to read this.
So, bit of background, I have a wonderful DP and we have a beautiful 14 month old DS. I went back to work full-time a month ago to a job that I will be made redundant from in around 2 months. When we had our DS there was never any intention for me to go back full-time. We planned that I would work 3 days max, work were happy with this,but were equally happy for me to go back FT. DS is cared for by MIL who is absolutely fantastic with him, after being with me or DP there is no-one else I would rather leave him with.
The reason that I have had to go back FT is that DP was made redundant in December from his job and is now temping and earning approx 5K less per year. I am having to make up the shortfall by working FT and am the main breadwinner. On the one hand this was great as DP's redundancy payout meant that I could have a full year off with DS, instead of going back after 9 months, and with good use of leave I managed to not go back to work until DS was 13 months old. I like my job and I work with a fantastic group of people but I am just not dealing with being away from DS very well,. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like I drag him out of bed in the morning to take him to the ILs and then DP picks him up when he gets home and I get home around 5:30 (90 minutes after DP) when I feed DS (still breastfeeding morning, straight from work and bedtime), make DS' dinner, get him ready for bed, feed him again then put him to bed around 7. We don't get any time for play or for me to enjoy his company. It infuriates me that I will come home and find DP watching TV or on the laptop when DS is playing on his own because I'm desperate to spend that time with him and don't get the chance. DP doesn't understand this though. I know I wouldn't feel like this if I had more time with him in the week.
My redundancy is another issue as, until DP gets a better job (he is 'looking' but not very hard) I don't know whether to apply for FT or PT. I don't want to apply for FT, possibly get a job with no prospect of going PT and then end up having to look for a PT job if DP finds better work. Similarly we would be really hard up if I went for a PT job in our current financial situation.
I'm just feeling really hopeless at the moment. Everything seems so uncertain and I can't snap out of it. Reading this back it seems really trivial and I am aware that other people have so many worse problems I just don't really know how to feel better about it! Whenever I attempt to talk to DP about it his attitude is that we have to be positive and 'just get on with it' as 'being negative doesn't help', I just don't know how to make him understand that I'm really struggling with everything.
OK, I can't let this go unanswered, but tbh, you've already answered it:
I have a wonderful DP and we have a beautiful 14 month old DS
DS is cared for by MIL who is absolutely fantastic with him
You are very lucky - but you know this
I like my job and I work with a fantastic group of people
I am just not dealing with being away from DS very well
There's the key issue - what can you do about this?
I feel guilty all the time
Why? Is DS unhappy? You are clearly well bonded because:
still breastfeeding morning, straight from work and bedtime
That's incredible, you should feel proud, not guilty.
We don't get any time for play or for me to enjoy his company
As mum, you are always going to be the primary caregiver and your first concern is always welfare, sometimes there just isn't time for play. But can you squeeze any extra time in? Do the in-laws mind giving him breakfast or getting him dressed so that you can enjoy a special 1/2 hour in the morning just the 2 of you?
And then you have talked about the things that DP does that infuriate you. Maybe he should read your thread. Remember your first comment, he's not trying to upset you, he's just dealing with what life has thrown at you both. He's right that 'being negative doesn't help', it doesn't, but nor does being unhappy.
It seems to me that you need to weigh up the options. What's worse we would be really hard up if I went for a PT job in our current financial situation OR I know I wouldn't feel like this if I had more time with him in the week.
I've done both and honestly, with a bit of experience, I am happier (but fatter!) at home, they're only little once e.t.c...
Was going to type out a load of stuff but fearnelinen put it all better than I could have.
Thanks fearnelinen and manicbmc, I had a chat with DP last night and we are going to sit down and work a few things out this weekend. I know I'm really lucky and things seem much brighter today, going to enjoy the long weekend and some lovely time with DS
Being poor is fine....I'm part time and there are loads of ways to cut back...it's only temporary, if you want to go part time and live on a tight budget then do it.
Its not worth making yourself unhappy for the sake of money. If goig part time meant losing some luxuries then it sounds like they'd be not missed....you shouldn't be sad about your DS.
We cut back massively so I could stay with the DDs more..it's worth it. Al my clothes come from charity shops and I cut all our hair....holidays...well, we have been camping once last year and we had to save to do that....but we're very happy. Our youngest will be in school in a years time...its gone in a flash.
I agree with the others. I went PT as soon as my job allowed it, and have never regretted the financial sacrifice. But I do realise that not everyone can afford to make such a decision. I hope that you and DH can work things out constructively...
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