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Look, i know its not my buisiness, but feel very much like i am being taken the piss out of...or AIBU??

(27 Posts)
bigbumum Fri 27-May-11 10:52:29

Bloody facebook, its a curse isnt it!
So, i work in excess of 40 hours a week, i have a child dh, home etc etc blah blah blah.
Had pnd, have got tons of family around me but they show absolutely zitch interest in helping me or supporting me with my child so i have struggled and just got on with it all, quietly muttering under my breath about it all. He is 8 now so we are used to it, BUT i know what its like to have PND and little support.

I have a good friend. She has no family at all. Her dh works, and is not too good at helping as far as i can gather.
She has PND and a 10 month old. She is on matty leave still.
So to help i go once a week to babysit, i do her ironing, a bit of cleaning as the house is chaos. This is so she can go out with her dh (Me and dh been married for 12 years and never even been out for anniversery due to no babysitter)
She has asked me to babysit for her one afternoon a week also for a regular appointment that she has. This is near impossible due to my work.
I asked her DH could he not do it, he says no. So i have managed 2 sessions for her.
Babysat for her last weekend so she can go out with her dh as well.

Just looked on her FB and she was saying that she went out last WEdnesday to a payday party! She has NO ONE to babysit, her dh WILL have gone wth her, so it wont have been him babysitting.

Felt very cross that i never fucking get to go anywhere other than work, and she is out 3 times a week.
(Not that it matters but she doesnt drink and is a fantastic mum)
spose im jealous, im pouting and everything like a 10 year old at the mo.

what do you think????

piratecat Fri 27-May-11 10:55:25

you need to get your own babysitter, pay someone once a month so you can go out and start having fun with your dh again.

It's totally up to you what you do for your friend, so prioritise your life first.

MumblingRagDoll Fri 27-May-11 10:55:56

She's taking the piss.

MonstaMunch Fri 27-May-11 10:56:15

I think if you are a doormat, people walk over you smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 27-May-11 10:57:50

I don't understand why you asked her DH whether he could babysit his own child? Couldn't she have asked him herself?

I think your only mistake is in expecting 'payback' for what you do for others. A decent friend would offer, your friend doesn't, but she takes whatever you'll give and ask for more if she needs to.

I think you need to learn to say 'No', with a smile, so that you don't feel bad, and start asking for favours if you need them. Relationships are like a vaccuum, the other person will take up whatever you don't.

If you want to go out, why can't your own DH look after his child?

squeakytoy Fri 27-May-11 11:00:39

Are you mad woman?????

Why isnt her husband doing their housework and ironing????

If she is capable of going out, she is capable of doing some housework... and yes, they are both taking the piss.

You are working full time. She isnt.

If you have family around, ask them to babysit, or ask on facebook if any of your friends know a good teenage babysitter. At 10yrs old, your son only needs minimal babysitting anyway.

NimpyWindowmash Fri 27-May-11 11:02:25

Get yourself a babysitter. It's bonkers to never ever go out. Have you tried placing an advert? Or joining an agency?
Your friend is entitled to take you up on your very generous offers of help. Just learn to say no when it doesn't suit you. And get her to babysit for you once in a while.

bigbumum Fri 27-May-11 11:16:20

My child doesnt know her, she doesnt drive and lives a good 40 minutes drive from my house so she isnt in a position to babysit for me, any way, im not running it all by you because i want some thing from her, not at all.
I adore her baby so love looking after her.

Its just that i feel somewhat "uncomfortable" saying no iyswim. I feel so bad for her as she has no one sad clearly she has found some one else to babysit for her, so clearly she doesnt need me so much.
Its after Midnight before she gets in and i have to get up to do the school run then get to work early the next day, i am shattered.

squeakytoy Fri 27-May-11 11:19:16

She has got someone, she has got a husband. She clearly has someone else too if they babysit for her (unless she took the baby with her, which is quite possible).

You are just being a mug and need to knock it on the head because she is using you.

BeeLister Fri 27-May-11 11:19:51

Get her to babysit for you in exchange. I do think she is taking advantage, especially considering you work full time - no reason why her husband can't pick up some slack.

I wouldn't help her out until she has looked after your ds a few times.

MonstaMunch Fri 27-May-11 11:20:27

didnt you do this thread a while back?

worraliberty Fri 27-May-11 11:20:40

Why do you not go out without your Husband?

BeeLister Fri 27-May-11 11:22:06

Sorry, xposted.

Tell her you are exhausted from too many late nights and you cannot help out as much anymore. You should not feel guilty!

buzzsore Fri 27-May-11 11:22:45

Practise saying 'no'.
Help out when you want to, and don't offer/agree to it if you are starting to resent doing it.
Obviously I'd help out in times of trouble, but she needs to get something in place for regular appointments - such as a creche or child-minder.

rookiemater Fri 27-May-11 11:23:02

It's great that you are helping out this lady, but you should only do what you feel comfortable with.

A big clue is if you are seriously trying to reorganise your work around it or it drains you too much the following day, that is too much. I wouldn't feel angry about it, you offered to help so now you make the decision to back off and feel glad that she is feeling better enough to go out.

LRDTheFeministDragon Fri 27-May-11 11:24:28

You say you adore her baby and love looking after her.

People can persuade themselves of funny things, especially if they're having a tough time - I imagine she's managed to persuade herself you come because you like to, and it is nice for you. You need to be more clear that, lovely though her baby is, you just don't have time to do this any more.

bigbumum Fri 27-May-11 11:26:05

Yup, that was me,
Thought i had it straight in my head till i read that on fb.
but now she is going out more......
it never even occurred to me that she could be feeling better from her PND so able to go out more.
Thats a bit of a revelation! Makes me feel better and better able to start to say no actually.

Tabliope Fri 27-May-11 11:27:33

You've got to learn to say no. You've helped her out. She has other help - her DH and other people to babysit. Why on earth are you doing her ironing and cleaning on a regular basis when you work full time and are a mother yourself? Why would you change your working life so that she can make an appointment she has? You've been a friend now is the time to look after you and your family for a bit. The more you give the more people will take. She lives 40 minutes away so twice a week you're driving an hour and a half with all the petrol costs too? That's madness.

bigbumum Fri 27-May-11 11:27:55

sorry, yes that was me monstermuch. I do go on i know.

im just so torn and stuck

verytellytubby Fri 27-May-11 11:28:12

Be firm with your friend. Find a local teenager to babysit and go out and have some fun.

HuwEdwards Fri 27-May-11 11:33:35

I could do with a babysitter - any chance?

Seriously, why do you feel the need to do so much for her? She's more a dependent than a friend.

Start pulling back, make your excuses and focus on your own life

PissesGlitter Fri 27-May-11 11:35:08

i know everyone is entitiled to some 'me' time
but she is seriously taking the piss
she is out 3 times a week and you dont get 3 times a year??!!
start telling her 'NO'

MonstaMunch Fri 27-May-11 11:40:01

how did you get to know this woman in the first place?

bigbumum Fri 27-May-11 12:44:49

Through work, we both have fertility issues and we got talking.
Known her about 2 years.
I dont know anyone else in rl with fertility probs, so it was really nice to be able to chat to some one who knows first hand.
So her LO is very special.

Dozer Fri 27-May-11 12:51:02

Remember the thread. Think you have done enough for her. You sound dissatisfied with your own situation, so should probably work on that. Ridiculous never to go out with your DH when your DC is 8.

Just tell her that you can no longer help so much, but still happy to meet up etc.

She sounds like a self-centred user tbh. And you sound like a martyr.

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