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To desperatly want my mum to leave her abusive boyfriend.

(13 Posts)
mummyloveslucy Thu 26-May-11 20:06:53

My mum has been going out with this man for about 7 years. I wasn't sure about him from the start. He's very stiff and military like and seems to think he's gods gift. He's also extreamly sexest and thinks that a woman should do everything for her usband, shouldn't work and should never be involved in buisness. hmm
He is a complete control freak and keeps playing mind games with my mum. He'll tell her to go out with me and enjoy herself, then when she gets home, he'll scream and shout at her for going out! When she says but you told me to, he says "But you didn't have to did you?" confused
He looses his temper at the drop of a hat and screams and swears at her every day.
He's also seing another women. My mum knows about this and he doesn't try to hide the fact. He even compares her to mum saying how she'd never serve him a meal that wasn't 100% to his liking etc.
My mum moved with him to Australia to try to get him away from her and to have a fresh start, but he was still phoning her every day and even had a fling with someone else while he was over there.
mum tells me all the things he's said and done, and I'll listen and tell her it's not her fault, it's him! I just wish she'd listen to me and leave the bastard!
He's now started hitting her as well. She's had several bruses that she now admits was him.
She feels trapped because she now has no money. She's broke after having to move to Austrailia and back and giving up her very good job. She's now struggeling to find work and without im, she couldn't pay her mortgage and would have to sell her house.
She used to be such a bubbly, happy, lively person but recently she's changed. She's said she feels like all the fun and spirit has been sucked out of her. I agreed and said that he was the vaccume. She agreed with this.
I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that it's her decision and that she'll only be treated as badly as se allows herself to be, but it's really hard! I see the spark being drained out of her and she can't or won't leave him. She's said that he isn't an asshole all the time and can be quite nice sometimes. she dosn't want to be on her own either and worries that she wouldn't find anyone else at her age. I think part of her doesn't want to loose him to this woman, that way she'll have won, and all her efforts will have been for nothing.
Is there anything I can say or do? I've been thinking about it for so long, and now it's reached the stage that he's hitting her, I really feel that I should try my hardedst to make her see sence. She probubly won't listen to me, but I have to try. sad

LaWeasel Thu 26-May-11 20:18:19

How awful.

Could you ring women's aid and ask for advice about what the best thing to do is?

If she knows she is unhappy and wants to leave but is worried about money/the house they should be able to help.

chipmonkey Thu 26-May-11 20:20:02

Oh, MLL, how awful for her and how horrible for you to have to watch!sad I would point out to her that surely it would be better to be alone rather than to be with someone like him. The other thing you could point out is that she wouldn't be "losing him" to the OW, surely the OW would be the loser if she ended up with him! Let her know you're always there for her.

mummyloveslucy Thu 26-May-11 20:20:06

Thank you, I'll try them. I'm not sure she even wants to leave him though. confused

mummyloveslucy Thu 26-May-11 20:24:59

Thanks Chipmonkey, I've told her that already, she just says "hmm, I know". I never want to sound too outraged or shocked, as I know that will make her stop telling me things.

mummyloveslucy Thu 26-May-11 20:27:56

My daughter as woken up so I'm going to have to settle her again. I won't be able to respond for a while, but I really appreciate your advice.

mummyloveslucy Fri 27-May-11 20:33:30


FabbyChic Fri 27-May-11 20:53:25

Do they live in the UK now? If so why have you not confronted this man? Why has your DP not stood up to him and told him if he lays another finger on your mother he get the crap beaten out of him?

If that was my Ma I'd be telling this man touch her again I cut your fucking bollocks off.

ratspeaker Fri 27-May-11 21:04:25

If it's your mums house they're living in cant she just tell him to leave
I dont think that level of abuse is worth getting the mortgage paid

He's probably ground her down so much that shes not got any confidence left

A lodger may be an idea if she needs money to pay the mortgage

mummyloveslucy Fri 27-May-11 21:11:30

FabbyCick- my mum certainly wouldn't want that! She'd be furious with me or DH and would spend every waking hour trying to make it up to the prick.
The same day she said he'd been screaming and swearing at her, she was buying ingrediance to make his favourite dinner. I don't understand it, she says "I don't know why I bother", well nor does any one else!

ratspeaker- I just wish she would! It's only a small 3 bedromed house, I don't think she'd like a lodger.

chipmonkey Fri 27-May-11 23:01:29

You could point out to your Mum that any lodger would be better than the cocklodger she already has!

If it's her house, she could just change the locks and put his stuff out the front in black bags.

Another thing worth pointing out to her is that few abusive men are actually abusive all the time. It can be a case of when he's good, he's very, very good and when he's bad he's horrid. But the fact that he is abusive some of the time is not acceptable either. Could you get her the Lundy Bancroft book?

MonstaMunch Fri 27-May-11 23:03:17

if she doesnt want help, you cant help unfortunately, just be there for her when she needs you

FreudianSlipper Sat 28-May-11 00:39:37

if he is violent you or anyone else making threats is dangerous and probably putting her in more danger, once they leave who is he going to take his anger out they feel perfectly justified in doing what they do not matter what anyone says

all i can suggest is her getting in contact with womens aid, they will have agencies in australia

i had to see my mum be with an abusive man (from when i was young until i was around 16), its heartbreaking but she did leave and regrets that she never felt able to before. there is a lot more support around now but she will need help getting it

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