To count the refusals for my wedding rather than acceptances.

[oohlaalaa]

I'm getting married this summer. I'm very fortunate in that my parents are self-made millionaires. They are rather showy, unlike me and DP, and are insisting on paying for the day and having a big knees-up. Think five course meal and free bar all day for 200 guests.

If it was up to me we'd have a very small do, with a bbq in the garden for about 40 guests. However my parents will not let me have any alternative hippy wedding (their words), I have three brothers, and so as the only daughter, they want a big flash wedding for me. Also DP is quite traditional, and is now looking forward to the wedding. I have basically been bulldozed into this wedding. At the end of the day, I get to marry my wonderful DP, and the wedding is only one day.

DP and I are much more introverted than our parents, our friends total 34 of the guests, with the rest being parents and in-law friends and family. We do both come from big families.

I am rather nervous by the numbers, and count the refusals that come in, rather than acceptances.

I was reading another tread about children at wedding, and Bride and Groom being disappointed when guests could not come. My feelings are that as long as they are not my best friends or closest family, I just look at it that we have been polite in inviting them, and now they are not coming, we get a slightly more intimate wedding, and my parents do not have to pay for them.

Am I mean? Was anyone else pleased when they got a refusal?

[squeakytoy]

If it was up to me we'd have a very small do

Blimey, I would have stuck to my guns and not let my parents railroad me into having a big "do" that I didnt want.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

better hope the guests aren't reading this...

[HeadfirstForHalos]

How old are you, are you very young? Why have you allowed your parents to plan your wedding, when you are not happy with their style? If I were you I'd bugger off and get married elsewhere, then have a small party when I got back with my nearest and dearest.

[oohlaalaa]

I hope they wont work out who I am Fanjo.

Squakytoy, You have never met my parents, they are very determined, and would have been embarrassed by a small wedding.

They are wonderful parents, and I felt I owed them this day. I'm rather looking at the wedding as a special day for my parents, and I like the end result.

So, nobody else was pleased by refusals for their wedding?

[MamaVoo]

Your parents sound like my ILs, who also wanted to pay for a big flashy wedding full of their friends. We said no, and made sure to pay for everything ourselves so that they didn't feel they could take over by holding the purse strings.

As your invitations have already gone out I suppose you'll just have to grin and bear it, but yes, in your circumstances I wouldn't care at all if someone who wasn't close to me declined the invitation.

[oohlaalaa]

I'm 29 years old. My input is in the decoration of venue and hymns. .

DP would not have agreed to bugger off, its his day too. He would have liked about 100 guests, rather than 200.

I love my parents, and know how much this means to them. They have always been enormously supportive of me. I have just never dreamt of the big white wedding. I can think of worse things to go along with.

[MamaVoo]

We made one concession to my ILs by not having sausage and mash for our meal, as apparently they would never get over the shame

[hiddenhome]

You should sneak off with a few close friends and have the wedding that you want.

If you allow your parents to walk all over you like this then you'll forever be looking back and regretting your wedding day as it wasn't your day, but someone elses.

It's up to you. There is no way I'd have allowed anyone to dictate my wedding day to me.

[oohlaalaa]

Mamavoo - yes, the alternative would be to pay for it ourselves, but what DP wanted, would have still cost 10k, and without having to raid our savings, we do not have that sort of ready cash. 10k is not a lot of money to my parents, so it just didnt seem appropriate us paying.

If we'd had the garden wedding I wanted, but DP didnt, we could have got away with 2.5k, but I dont think parents would have spoken to me again.

My parents would have hated not to have paid for and hosted wedding.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Sausage and mash is the best

OP, if you don't mind them organising it, it's a bit unfair to be glad when invited guests can't make it. It's not their fault they were invited.

We only invited who we wanted to be there, so I can't say I was glad when invites were turned down. Not gutted either though :)

[JeremyKylesPetProject]

My mum tried to force me into a big showy wedding. I put my foot down and said no. It was our day not hers. I was 8 months pg at the time and in no mood for the big day and night she was planning. We had a registry office wedding and a buffet in a local pub (function room). Our DJ got the karaoke out and everyone had a blast. Even my posh IL's came alive and sang a song! The day cost less than a grand. By 9.30pm I was in bed in my posh hotel room chucking out the Z's. Apparently the guests all had a great time without us. :o

Now we are nearing our 10 year anniversary my mum wants us to renew our vows (pointless and showy imo plus very common now).

[worldgonecrazy]

My friend had a big flashy church wedding but managed to get a small intimate handfasting in by having the reception at a local arboretum, and between church and dinner ran off into the woods to have a private, more meaningful and slightly hipp ceremony with a handful of friends. Her (deaf) dad did follow us and looked completely confused by the whole thing but did applaud when they jumped the broomstick. Maybe you could do something similar?

[oohlaalaa]

CoffeeDodger Yes, DP are I should definitely be getting married. I am absolutely certain of this. We have been together for years, we are quite different, but in a complimentary way.

He is good looking, lovely personality, old-fashioned values, and dare I say it quite rich himself . I have never been very good at earning my own money. We differ in our ideas, as I am quite very ditzy, and he's much more serious minded. We love travelling and gardening, and both want the same thing, and most importantly we love each other. I really couldnt love him anymore than I already do.

HeadfirstForHalos - I'm not blaming guests for being able to turn up. Even if it isnt me or DP who wants them, then our parents do. I would just prefer it, if there were not so many of them. I prefer small intimate parties. I find large gatherings slightly intimidating.

[Pandemoniaa]

I was delighted to get some refusals to my wedding. Ex-dh's mother had insisted on inviting all sorts of cousins we never saw simply because dh had been to their weddings. When he was a child! They were all very nice people but certainly weren't about to travel 400 miles for the wedding of people that they really didn't know.

I never dreamt of a big white wedding either and fortunately, didn't have to have one. I did get very irritated with ex-MIL but tended to the view that arguing got us nowhere and actually, it was just a day when it came to things. We got our own back with an informal evening party in our local where all our friends joined us and we played pub games and got silly. Ex-MIL had, by then, stumped off back to Hertfordshire muttering about "not a proper sort of day".

I can understand (although wouldn't do it myself) your parents desire to lavish their wealth on your wedding but I suspect this is very much their day rather than yours. I think you are being very nice to go along with it though.

[mistlethrush]

We had a good refusal from 'great aunt something' who even dh had only last seen when he was 2... which ran something like 'thank you so much for the invitation, I'm sorry I shan't be able to come, but my daughter can' (even MiL then to be hadn't met daughter)

Someone said something very sensible to me which was to make a bit of time for just the two of you - when you're not being posed for photos or anything - where you can just be together away from the busyness of the day. Worked for us.

[oohlaalaa]

worldgonecrazy - nope, my parents are hating all my slightly alternative suggestions. A

Also, in RL, I'm quite well mannered, and want to be able to greet and try and mingle with all the guests and thank them for coming etc, even if I dont know who they all are. I've decided to focus on DP, parents, family, friends etc. all having a lovely day, and put my concerns to one side. Its only one day of my life, not that important, or worth falling out with people over.

[oohlaalaa]

Thank-you Pandemoniaa and mistlethrush.

I will make sure there is some time for me and DP.

[redexpat]

I was quite relieved at some of the refusals, it was all the relatives I felt I had to invite but didnt really want coming.

[MamaLazarou]

"If it was up to me"

Er... it IS up to you. It's your wedding, isn't it?

[oohlaalaa]

MamaLazarou - but, its also DP's wedding too, and he would not agree to bbq informal wedding.

My parents would not agree to a small intimate wedding, they did not understand my issue with a showy wedding, that is not costing us anything. In their mind the bigger the wedding, with expensive wines, flowers, canapes, string quartet, band - THE BETTER.

It sounds awful, but they would have been ashamed for me to have anything less than a big showy wedding. I decided that the wedding is a special day for parents too, and made a note for myself, when my daughter gets married she can do whatever she wants.

I think if I'd had a sister, to have had the big wedding, it would have been easier.

[PorkChopSter]

You are letting your parents plan your wedding because they won't speak to you otherwise?

What if they don't like the names you chose for your children, will you change them too? Or where you want to give birth, live, send the kids to school.... your choice. Not theirs.

You say the wedding your DP would have preferred would have cost you 10k of your savings - how do you think most normal people pay for their weddings? Oh yes, savings.

[goeasypudding]

Weddings are a right of passage for the parents too. Its a very proud day for them and you cant blame them for reving it all up if they have the funds!
Wedding organising can be a game of give and take between the couple and the parents. The parents can have life long friends that the happy couple dont know but it makes lots of sense for them to be invited.
Lots of people say "have the wedding you want" etc but for parents this is a huge day too and to be excluded and not involved can be heartbreaking.
Accept thier desire to do their best for you. Sounds like you are at peace with that already so well done.
However I suggest its time to develop this wedding they have designed so far into something that is yours as well!
There must be somethings you can add to it or even take away that will make it into the sort of "do" you would like?!
I bet you can speak to the Dj or the Band about the music in more detail, add some songs that are your favs. Have a chat to the photographer and make sure some photos are taken whilst away from the crowds and onlookers. Get the cake maker to make a layer of the cake your fav type.
Update us, I love a bit of wedding detail! Good luck!

[bluebobbin]

I didn't get any refusals, but that's probably because I only invited 8 people . Anyway, I think YANBU to be pleased by the refusals. I think that you are fine just going along with what your parents want - you can have the people you want there and you don't have to worry about the cost.

[oohlaalaa]

PorkChopSter

Yes, most people do pay for wedding with savings, but if they had parents wanting to pay, who could afford it very easily, I doubt most people would still be paying.

If my parents could not easily afford to pay for wedding, then DP and I would obviously be paying. I think it would be better if we were paying in many respects, as we could have what we want.

Yes, the wedding should not be their choice. However, we have had generous gifts to help buy our home, and throughout my life I have had hugely supportive parents. Not just financially but emotionally too. I am not about to upset them over wedding. It is not a normal situation.

No, parents will not be choosing names of children or schools!!

They are flash, rather than controlling, and just do not understand my point of view on wedding, my dad more so than my mum. My parents never had a showy wedding themselves, they have earnt their own money, with my Dad working 7 day weeks, and getting up at 4am every morning, and they like to be able to spend it. Unfortunately this means a lavish wedding.

The wedding is not that big a deal to me, the marriage is the big deal. I would just like wedding to be smaller and more informal.