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To have told my neice her Dad is getting married (because he's so shit he'll never get around to it)

(13 Posts)
lechatnoir Tue 24-May-11 11:17:01

Very brief background: my brother got divorced when my neice was about 8 and has been a shit Dad ever since particularly since his girlfriend has been on the scene. DN is 17 now & knows full well her Dad has effectively choosen his girlfriend over her & how useless he is - they see each other every few months at best despite living a few miles apart & that's usually when we go to visit & arrange a family meal. DN has also distanced herself from our parents as they fail to see the problems & DN she got sick of hearing crap like 'what a great Dad you've got isn't it a shame you're mum took you away from him' hmm

So, we met up with my brother last week & found out he got engaged a few weeks back & is planning a big 'adults only' piss up wedding in Ibiza next year. I don't know whether I'm more shocked that he hasn't told his daughter he's engaged or that they would choose to get married & actively exclude their own children (she has 2 girls age 14 & 16). When I asked my bro when he planned on telling DN he got all shirty & told me to butt out as did our parents 'he'll do it in his own time' . A week later she still didn't know so last night I ran DN's mum to ask her opinion & we agreed she'd tell her. DN later texted "thx for telling me love u" so I'm happy I've done the right thing by her, but my parents & brother have hit the roof saying I had no right, it's none of my business etc angry

So, AIBU in not waiting for my brother to telll his only child he's getting married?

DorisIsAPinkDragon Tue 24-May-11 11:30:04

I think your neice has had the wrong end of the shitty stick for so long, you did do the right thing. Your db had spread the word already that he was getting married, how did he want her to hear from an old lady down the road? You treated your neice with respect and consideration which is more than your brother has done... tbh wht are you bothering what he thinks?

plupervert Tue 24-May-11 11:32:15

On the one hand, if you're so sure he's not going to go through with it, it might not have been so important to tell her.

However, she has thanked you: that, and your wanker parents' and brother's response are all the validation you need.

I'm glad your DN has someone there for her and keeping her interests at heart. smile

AMumInScotland Tue 24-May-11 11:41:30

YANBU - at 17 she shouldn't be left in the dark about things like this when other family know about it.

lechatnoir Tue 31-May-11 10:41:11

Thanks people. To update - DN texted her dad to say 'I hear congrats are in order give me a call' - nearly a week later & not so much as a text back angry Arsehole doesn't deserve

lechatnoir Tue 31-May-11 10:41:56


Newbabynewmum Tue 31-May-11 11:22:05

God. You sound so nice. He sounds like a shit. I bet ur DN really appreciates you. You did the right thing x

OTheHugeManatee Tue 31-May-11 13:20:55

My dad didn't invite his (adult) kids when he remarried. We've been largely excluded from their life since as well. It's miserable, being the offspring that gets ditched when a new partner comes along; I feel sorry for your niece and am glad she's got an aunt who cares about her feelings at least.

MmeLindor. Tue 31-May-11 13:24:06

Good for you. Your niece is lucky to have you - imagine how terrible it would have been if she had heard from a third party? Or on facebook.

Your brother is an arse. Poor girl.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 31-May-11 13:26:37

Well done, OP. Your brother is horrible. I hope he doesn't have any more children. Will you be going to his wedding? I think in your place, I'd be terribly torn. sad

DirtyMartini Tue 31-May-11 13:31:48

plupervert, I think the thread title meant he'll never get around to telling her, not that he won't actually go through with his wedding.

OP, you did the right thing, and your niece is lucky to have you on her side.

meditrina Tue 31-May-11 13:44:15

YABU: OP doesn't say the news is already all over FB or the neighbourhood - the only people who have been told are the parents and siblings, in private and with an explicit request not to tell the daughter.

It's one thing for you to keep on at your DB to make sure he told her in a timely and appropriate way. You might not agree with his choices - but it's his wedding, his daughter, his news, his timings. I don't like how he's going about this either, but that still doesn't make any part of it yours to tell.

plupervert Tue 31-May-11 14:40:38

Oh, I see what you mean about the "not being bothered" being about telling her, not getting married.

Her text might have been construed as sarky... by someone with a guilty conscience looking to pick a fight with the poor girl! Arsehole indeed.

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