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or is my Dad?

(61 Posts)
NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 18:26:20

I am fairly certain I am not and he is but sooo need to rant right now.

My Mum had a car accident on Sunday and rang me on sunday night (9pm) to tell me all about the tests etc she'd had at hospital and that she had a fracture but was okay. I rang last night (6pm) and spoke to my Aunt who lives with my parents, my Mum was out having gone to see her GP for pain killers; she assured me my Mum was well and I said I would ring back today. I rang when I got home from work at 4pm.

My Dad answered the phone, obviously angry and began a tirade of verbal aggression about how I hadn't rang to check on my Mum and how I was selfish etc etc. When my Mum came on the line I was so upset I hung up saying I would call later. I rang back half an hour later, he answered so I said I would only talk to him if he could be reasonable and so he gave the phone to my Mum. I spoke to her for a while and then he took the phone off her, shouted at me some more and hung up on me.

Its now 6.30. Neither of them have rang me back. I am so fucking angry. My dad is an unreasonable bully and always have been, he made my childhood a misery and its only as an adult that I am able to stand up to him. No one else ever does and his behaviour goes unchallenged. But AIBU? What exactly have I done wrong here? I am so pissed off because now if I ring back it will just perpetuate the argument. As usual its now all about him rather than about my Mums accident. My Mum will defend his behaviour as she always does.

compo Tue 17-May-11 18:27:54

maybe go round there with a bunch of flowers for your mum

SnuffleTurtle153 Tue 17-May-11 18:28:01

I wouldn't ring back, he doesn't sound like he can be reasoned with at the moment... Did you explain to your mum that you did call yesterday? Maybe he was just behaving like that because he's concerned about her, and ended up taking that out on you? (Which would be unreasonable, but understandable perhaps)

TheFeministsWife Tue 17-May-11 18:28:46

Honestly, I'd tell him to fuck off, that you're not interested in all the crap he's spouting and that you just want to talk to your mum.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 18:47:46

My Mum knows I spoke to my Aunt. As does my Dad. I live a long way from them so can't pop round with flowers but may send some.

He is a control freak and I obviously didn't ring when he thought I should. He has always been the same. I basically told him I wouldn't talk to him if he was being aggressive and that it is not acceptable to take his worry out on me. He is not a man to be reasoned with.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 18:48:57

My Mam has just rang and made a shed load of excuses for him and I feel even worse. I am so upset and angry. I have told my Mam that until he apologises I will not talk to him. I told her he's a bully and she just makes more excuses.

ClipArt Tue 17-May-11 18:52:16

YANBU. You're doing exactly the right thing to refuse to listen to him shouting at you. I'd always repeat the same thing you've said above "I wouldn't talk to him if he was being aggressive and that it is not acceptable to take his worry out on me" and maybe eventually he'll get the message.

FabbyChic Tue 17-May-11 18:55:24

She had a car accident and you did not phone until 6pm yesterday, followed by a call at 4.30pm today, you could have rang sooner couldn't you really? Can understand he is pissed off.

JamieAgain Tue 17-May-11 18:59:39

You sound like you are doing exactly the right things. He sounds like he vents whatever emotions he happens to be feeling on others with no censorship. Keep reminding yourself it's him not you. Really hard for you to hear your mum defending him but maybe best if you don't discuss his behaviour with her in future. It sounds like she'll always ally herself with him. Keep your boundaries with him and only talk to him about him.

JamieAgain Tue 17-May-11 19:01:37

Fabby - she spoke to her mum 9pm Sunday night after the accident, then spoke to her aunt about her on Monday night

JamieAgain Tue 17-May-11 19:05:59

And I'd add - if you want to support your mum (it sounds like it's hard being with your dad), just listen to her.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:11:53

Fabby, I spoke to her on the day of the accident, yesterday and today. How could I have rang more?!!

SnuffleTurtle153 Tue 17-May-11 19:13:56

Any point in asking your mum to stay, without your dad? Think she'd come? Might be the best way of talking to her about his behaviour (must be a bit difficult for her to agree that he is a bullying arse if when he's in the same house....)

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:15:19

Jamie, my Mum has always defended him, even when I was a child and he was a bullying, aggressive shit. I try very hard not to talk to her about his behaviour because its a road to nowhere but she rang to make excuses for him. It made me fucking angry. I understand how it must be awful to be stuck in the middle, but she never acknowledges he is wrong, ever.

JamieAgain Tue 17-May-11 19:17:30

Oh God, yes, I didn't mean to sound as if I think you shouldn't be angry about it, especially since it's been going on since childhood. Sorry x

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:18:46

Snuffle, I have talked to her many many times over the years. She ALWAYS defends him. He has worn her down over the years. I understand that she is a victim too. She expects me to placate him and not challenge his behaviour. I'm not going to do that now I am an adult.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:21:04

Jamie, it didn't sound like that, I was just trying to explain. I am just so angry and hurt at the moment. I have come close to severing ties with them both over the years, but have never been able to for many reasons, including loving them. My Mum would never ever admit that my dad bullied me during my childhood.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:23:23

My Mum drank heavily for many years and again, will never admit that it is because of their relationship. My dad thinks that controlling people is how you love them.

ohhappyday Tue 17-May-11 19:24:55

Hi Northern

Sorry to hear about you mum's accident. You have done exactly the right thing. This man is a bully he controlled you as a child and will continue to try to do so as an adult. Do not allow him to do this. As a child you had no choice but as an adult you do. Agree with everything that JameAgain said with regards to your Mum. It is often the case that the wife of an abuser will defend and make excuses for him. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Bullies do not like others standing up to them and will often turn the discussion on you to deflect from themselves. You see, with this type of selfish person, it is all about them not others i.e your mum.

Do something nice for yourself tonight

AppleyEverAfter Tue 17-May-11 19:28:14

YANBU, but in your dad's defence he is probably very worried about your mum and frightened that something could have happened to her. But he shouldn't take things out on you. Hope your mum's OK.

NorthernGobshite Tue 17-May-11 19:28:20

ohhappy, thank you, your post has made me weep. Its when things like this happen that my childhood comes flooding back. They both think - genuinely think, I believe - that they were perfect parents and gave me a wonderful childhood. I hated my dad as a child, and was very unhappy. Its taken me a long time to feel ok about it but today has really knocked me for six.

sleepingsowell Tue 17-May-11 19:28:26

Northern, good for you and be strong. Of course your dad was unreasonable! Sounds like you had the nail on the head when you told him he was taking his worry out on you. He can't control the fact that his wife had an accident etc so he tries to go 'down the chain' and bully you. It's great that you have taken yourself above that 'down the chain' position - keep strong, girl!

diddl Tue 17-May-11 19:35:00

I doubt that I would have left it until 6pm on the day after to phone, but then I don´t know what was said between you on the Sunday.

But apart from that, it seems as if you are absolutely doing the right thing.

CurrySpice Tue 17-May-11 19:35:02

Personally, I would have rung much sooner and more often

But that's no excuse to shout at you so no, YANBU

manicbmc Tue 17-May-11 19:39:48

Read back - she rang on the day of the accident and every day after it.


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