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AIBU?

weddings

53 replies

Polly05 · 02/05/2011 11:32

Hi just wanted your thoughts please.
I've been married to my second husband for 5 years, we both have children from our first marriages, 3 out of 4 of whom are 18 + but live at home/uni.
We have been invited to a close family wedding, but only my husbands children, not mine. The reasons being given are either, no children are invited or no one who the bride and groom don't know well is invited. My son isn't into weddings so wouldn't be bothered but my 15 year old daughter would be and very much thought she would be invited and so will be disappointed. I work very hard to treat all 4 children equally and to be a united family so a division like this is unhelpful.We've explained this to those concerned but without success. For various reasons my husband and his children will go but I no longer feel welcome and don't want to go but would want to wish the bride and groom well. I would welcome another persons take on the situation. thanks

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/05/2011 11:34

I don't think that's on. It should be all of them, very mean to differentiate after 5 years especially as it's close family.

strandedbear · 02/05/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greencaveman · 02/05/2011 11:36

No children generally means no sqawking toddlers, it doesn't refer to a 15 year old, who, for this purpose is "adult". So the no children thing is just an excuse.

Inviting part of a family like that is very rude and disrespectful. Personally, in this position, I would be wanting DH to go on his own. No children at all (invited or not) as they should all be equals.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/05/2011 11:36

That is very wrong IMO. I would say all or none, very poor to differentiate like that. I am on your behalf.

emptyshell · 02/05/2011 12:04

Feel free to get hysterical and dictate the guest list... it's what weddings are all about. Always adds a touch of pizzaz to the cutting of the cake with a few dagger like stares into the back.

Or act maturely and either politely decline the invitation... or go. I think the "kids we actually know" thing is pretty fair - it's people chucking strops that make people take the blanket "no kids" line that provokes the usual indignation in here.

Perhaps they couldn't afford to invite many more people - I know I'd sure as fuck prioritise people I actually KNEW in that case. They've invited who they can afford to invite, they've probably spent hours and days adding and removing to try to keep as many people happy as possible - they haven't taken the line they've done lightly.

Fucking hate wedding invitation list drama. For some reason it seems to be the one social event people regard it as perfectly acceptable to bully, sulk, emotionally (and financially in some cases) blackmail, cajole and generally behave like 4 year olds over.

bubblecoral · 02/05/2011 12:07

I think that's disgusting behaviou from the b&g! Seems they care more about having the right numbers for their venue than they do about people's feelings, especially those of their own family.

I would be upset if dh still wanted to go after such an insult to his stepchildren, and if that were to happen in our blended family, none of us would be going and we'd be telling them why.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/05/2011 12:10

If they were 4 year olds there wouldn't be a problem, the children would be oblivious. But these are adults who are now well aware that only half of them count as true family. A distant second cousin's wedding I could understand at a push but not close family. I fucking hate people who feel like they can do whatever the hell they like regardless of other people's feelings just because they're getting married. Big whoop.

hairylights · 02/05/2011 12:13

hang on - if 3/4 are over 18 (ie: adults) and your daughter is 15 (so the 1/4 who is not 18 yet) then they have decided not to invite children.

Now, while I can't imagine not wanting children at my wedding (in fact we made special effort for them - all under 10) it is actually up to the bride and groom if they dont want under 18's. I think if I 've got it right (above) then you are placing meaning on it that isn't there.

Polly05 · 02/05/2011 12:16

Many thanks, its a very big do, 250 + seated for dinner, so no problems with can't afford to invite them etc.
I think the point that they are older teenagers and therefore very aware that they are being differentiated against is the problem. Its very local too which exacerbates the problem. the bride and groom have met my children as have the host on many occasions.
As people have said if they were young they wouldn't have a clue. Will politely decline as suggested.

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Polly05 · 02/05/2011 12:17

Many thanks, its a very big do, 250 + seated for dinner, so no problems with can't afford to invite them etc.
I think the point that they are older teenagers and therefore very aware that they are being differentiated against is the problem. Its very local too which exacerbates the problem. the bride and groom have met my children as have the host on many occasions.
As people have said if they were young they wouldn't have a clue. Will politely decline as suggested.

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GalaxyGuzzler · 02/05/2011 12:27

As you and your hubby have been married for 5 years than all your children should be treated as the same family, because that is what they are! either it shoiuld be all your children, or none of them! I would be very hurt at this and would decline the invite. Feel upset and angry for you Polly05

xkittyx · 02/05/2011 12:30

Normally I'm not tolerant about people who fuss about their children not being invited to a wedding - but in your case I fully sympathise and think it's disgraceful and hurtful behaviour. I'd even be tempted to suggest that your husband support your family by declining to attend himself.

fivegomadindorset · 02/05/2011 12:33

My Aunt and her daughters had an over 16 policy on their weddings.

We are going to one this weekend where DS is going as he is a page boy and DD isn't.

Polly05 · 02/05/2011 12:45

I don't understand DS and DD abbreviation?? Even if there was an over 16 policy, my son who is 16 + hadn't been invited either!

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GalaxyGuzzler · 02/05/2011 12:51

ds= darling son, dd= darling daughter

redexpat · 02/05/2011 14:57

You sound like you are taking this very well. Well, weddings are expensive, lines HAVE to be drawn somewhere. Perhaps ask if DD could be included if others can't make it? I know this sounds awful, but we did it with partners we didn't know very well. They all got to come in the end. Or ask if there is an evening do she could come to?

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 15:02

I think it is very bad to specifically invite 4 of the family and leave out 2. You either invite the whole family, or just the parents.

pingu2209 · 02/05/2011 16:12

It is their wedding and totally up to them who they invite or not. I have 2 step sisters and I only invited one. I heard on the family grapevine that the step sisters were really upset and their dad was also upset. But it was my wedding! I only liked one of them.

They can invite who they like and it is up to you whether you go.

NinkyNonker · 02/05/2011 16:21

Of course it is up to them, doesn't make it any less rude, insensitive and inconsiderate though. It is up to us to do everything we do in life, most of us choose to think of others and not cause unnecessary hurt though.

foreverondiet · 02/05/2011 16:51

I have mixed feelings about this - eg I remember being invited to a family wedding where there wasn't space for all the children so they did an oldest child from each family policy. I went but at the next wedding in the family my parents asked if they could take my brother instead as I was at university out of town, and that was fine. Other weddings I went to they only invited partners if they were engaged or married... its their wedding so up to them how they draw up the list - and even if its a big wedding still can be space & cost contraints.

If you do want to go, reply saying as you treat the children equally either they all are invited or none of them, which would they prefer? Maybe your DH's children will be uninvited though....

SauvignonBlanche · 02/05/2011 17:04

I think it's pretty poor.
Do your DH's children want to go?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/05/2011 17:06

The problem with this is, and I am making huge assumptions because we've never had a divorce or remarriage in the family so I am guessing...

I would imagine it takes a lot of work to make a blended family (is that the right term?) and it sounds like the OP and her DH have done a great job. But I'd imagine it's a sensitive situation and therefore, the family member in question must have known that this would cause more than the usual ripples of trouble. You work hard to make your family work, think you're on the home straight and then someone comes along and says "actually, despite everything, we don't really consider those two to be our family, sorry". That's why it would piss me off.

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Polly05 · 02/05/2011 17:16

Yes my husbands children will want to go, it will be a great party!
Whilst I do respect the its their wedding etc approach , I can't shake off the inconsistency, 3 of the children are adults and only my husbands 2 children are invited. They seem to give 2 reasons they only want people there they know well and no children , therefore ruling out both of mine.
It will be held at his sisters home marquee etc so its all pretty awkward. I think if I decline the invite it will get me in trouble with the husband although he thinks its poor.

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BettyTurnip · 02/05/2011 17:32

That's just awful. I would definitely decline and explain to your dh that you'll be keeping your daughter company as she's upset at being excluded from a family occasion. I think your dh should be having a few words with his family about how hurtful this whole business is.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/05/2011 17:51

Can your DH not have a word with them?

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