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AIBU?

I am in urgent need of advice

71 replies

floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:08

Just stripped DSS1 bed to make it up for DSS2, found a paper wrap with white powder in it between the mattresses. DSS1 is an admitted cannabis user and has been sent to live with us by his mum to get him away from the drug culture he was getting into. DSS1 is 14, he has already made friends with people much older than him and I have previously found suspicious weed-like material and am convinced I have smelt suspicious smoke in his room.

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:09

I can give more info but am in a panic just now.

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NotShortImHotCrossBunsized · 19/04/2011 00:11

Looks like he is into more than just the cannabis then

Is he there now? Can you ask him about it?

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fortyplus · 19/04/2011 00:13

Call Frank

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fortyplus · 19/04/2011 00:13

Don't talk to him first!!

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whatever17 · 19/04/2011 00:13

Ask if it is MDMA.

That is powdered ecstacy. If so, you are not in SUCH a bind.

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musicposy · 19/04/2011 00:13

Not sure what to suggest (except sympathy) but post this in teenagers as well. It may not be quite such a quick response but you'll get help from plenty of people who've been through much the same. Is DSS1 out at the moment?
I maybe wouldn't do anything in a hurry - give yourself time to calm down and then you can deal with it better. Good luck.

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:15

DP is planning to ask him about it but DSS1 is not here now, his mum is down for the hols at a holiday park and we have 'swapped' boys for the night so that they can each have individual time with each parent.

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musicposy · 19/04/2011 00:15

Calling Frank is good advice. Their website has a section on if you're worried about someone, too.

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Vallhala · 19/04/2011 00:16

No experience of this but my suggestion is that you do nothing until you've stopped panicking and can think rationally. I don't mean that rudely, I mean that I'd panic too but sitting here calmly tonight and NOT being in your position I can see where panic could make things worse not better,

Is DSS there? Is your OH (presumably his dad?) there with you for you to talk it over with and to work out what you say and do with you or are you dealing with this alone?

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:18

Thanks, I think I need to calm down, I'm all for dialling 999 and demanding an analysis but I know DP would KILL me if I went that far.

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 19/04/2011 00:19

Don't do anything until you have had time to calm down and think this through. Nothing will change if you leave it 48 hours.

I'd sooner have half a dozen toddlers than a teenager :( Drugs are such a part of their life now, there's so much more available than when we were kids. The old 'Just say NO' message really isn't enough anymore...

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Vallhala · 19/04/2011 00:20

Sorry, cross posted. So glad to learn you're not alone.

I'd go for professional advice too, as has been suggested.

You're doing better than me, both of you. Although I'd advise acting calmly if it were me I'd be going batshit at DSS which is probably the worst and least helpful thing I could do,

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Vallhala · 19/04/2011 00:22

Is Mum on your side and are you all working together? Maybe speak to her in the morning if so and agree on a plan you are all happy with?

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Bit0fFunnyBunny · 19/04/2011 00:23

It sounds like coke or speed. But yes, wait till the morning and gather your thoughts.

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:26

DP, the dad, is here, but so is his other son for quality time with his dad and me. DSS1 is at a holiday park nearby with his mum.
DP finds it really hard to properly tackle the problems his son has been having, he keeps laying down laws then not following through because it's too hard. To be fair DP has just been diagnosed with cancer after having suffered severe back pain for nearly a year.
I know from when I found 'weed' in DSS rom, and smelt the smoke, that DP is going to find this one hard to face. I found a bong in our garden and DP was happy to accept DSS explanation that he hid it there weeks ago and forgot about it!

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:31

I think I will speak to DSS mum, she is meant to be here for dinner tomorrow night.

But I have given the packet to DP and I don't want him to destroy it because my understanding is that if we can hand it to police they may be able to trace the source. But would that be a better or worse thing to do?

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Vallhala · 19/04/2011 00:37

Jeez.... I think I'd get professional help AND then get DSS by the bollocks and explain that whilst his poor Daddy is fighting to regain his health DSS is not only risking his oown but adding to his Dad's distress, appealling to DSS's better nature for want of a better term.

You may well find the need to take the part of parent on from DP, as hard as it is and as awkward as that is, in order to allow Dp to concentrate on his own health. I don't think that I could have handled that sort of problem when I was fighting cancer... in fact, if I'm honest, I just KNOW that I couldn't have.

How much do you think DP will let you take over? And will DSS's mum let you do so on DPs behalf? As horrible as it is for you I fear that if you can and are allowed to you may have to be the one who does so and who issues 'tough love' under the circumstances.

Must admit I'm vehemently anti-drug and as the mum of teenagers it scares the shit out of me. I'd be hitting the fucking roof (or at least I'd want to) if that was in my house. Would understand if you felt like it too, you're doing brilliantly... I'd be refusing to have him in my house although I know in my heart that's the wrong thing to do,

Do you have other children?

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MsVelvet · 19/04/2011 00:41

could be either, coke, mdma, speed or ketamine. i would approach this carefully or it may well go the wrong way and he may not talk at all. It might be something he does for recreational purposes or this might be the first time he has got something like this, you just dont know. but please dont go shouting or anything as you wont get anything like the truth. goodluck

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fortyplus · 19/04/2011 00:45

You won't get the truth from a drug user - even at 14. Better to get professional help first - starting with Frank.

Good luck

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NunTheWiser · 19/04/2011 00:50

I agree with fortyplus, whatever your DSS says will not be the truth. He's got too much to hide - what it is, where it came from, how often he uses, what else he uses. He's also aware that he can spin your DP a line and get away with it.
Definitely speak to someone with experience. Frank sounds good.

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 01:06

I don't have any children Valhalla but I have been involved with DP's kids since the youngest was about two years.

DP, his ex wife, her boyfriend and I all have an excellent relationship.

I am scared of many things re DP's illness, the scariest being that I will be in charge of his PFB, DP would also prefer if I was in charge of DSS2 as well.

I did let loose a couple of weeks ago and DSS1 heard my feelings on him nicking my cigs from my underwear drawer and probably learnt some new words , even though I am irrelevant as I am not a smack-head.

I have no idea how much DP will let me take charge, I have tried and tried to stamp on the smaller misbehaviours (at DP's request) but then had no follow through support.

DP is the one going out in his car to search for his son while I search DSS room and find allsorts. DSS gets grounded for a week which ends up being a good time for his dad to find him a better phone contract.

DP is sending the same mixed messages as XW was, if I am in charge, I will be in charge, and I will have help, maybe not being quite so close will help me be firmer.

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whatever17 · 19/04/2011 01:12

Whatever you do, don't call the friendly neighbourhood police!

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 01:15

I think DSS is mixing absolute truthfullness (knowing no real consequences) with lying, I am struggling to tell which is which.

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floweryblue · 19/04/2011 01:17

Why not whatever17? We have had to have the police involved at least 6 times in the last 2.5 months, they know we are having problems.

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:21

how old is he? if over 14 i would involve police. it will give him a proper good scare. i wouldnt tolerate it for one second. unless its icing sugar and hes making you a nice cake hes bringing illegal drugs into your home and you will be liable. dont let it slide. (if im honest over 12 id still involve police). You can be all nice and liberal and make him a nice humous sandwich or you can stop a potential life threatening addiction to class a drugs.