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I am in urgent need of advice

(72 Posts)
floweryblue Tue 19-Apr-11 00:08:40

Just stripped DSS1 bed to make it up for DSS2, found a paper wrap with white powder in it between the mattresses. DSS1 is an admitted cannabis user and has been sent to live with us by his mum to get him away from the drug culture he was getting into. DSS1 is 14, he has already made friends with people much older than him and I have previously found suspicious weed-like material and am convinced I have smelt suspicious smoke in his room.

floweryblue Tue 19-Apr-11 19:30:25

Thank you all for your advice, I will re-read and consider it all. DSS told his dad that it was a crushed up penicillin tablet, he believes him as it was his dad's first thought.

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 00:03:05

Just to update you all, I can let you know that DSS now has convictions for arson and criminal damage, he is currently under investigation for robbery (at least three of our neighbours, including the widow of a man who he met having cancer treatment alongside DP). Can someone please help me to accept this yoof, I can barely be in the same room as him.

Why do you have to accept him or more accurately how can you accept him if he continues to behave unacceptably? If he is still involved in drug culture you do not have to accept that. I know he is young but I assume there is support structures in place for him now given his offending history. You can only do so much.

I know I sound harsh but a family member had a child who went down a similar route and it nearly tore the family apart. Because of the drugs he was stealing from them and got violent.

If he is genuinely accessing the support and complying with any restrictions placed on him then back him up but he has to realise that he has used up all the goodwill and more and he must make changes.

If there isn't support available then I would push very very hard for as much backup as you can find.

BrittaPerry Wed 23-Jan-13 00:16:03

What is the drugs situation now?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:21:31

i have not read the entire thread so apologies.

i would guess at the white powder being MCAT.

if he has now progressed to arson and robbery then he is in trouble. when you say robbery do you mean robbery or burglary?

the youth offending team may be able to help - have you got social services involved?

if he gets convicted of the robbery?? he is likeley to end up in a YOI anyway - short sharp shock may do him good.

how old is he now?

ask for all the support you can muster - and he needs to realise his responsibility in this - and that may take a lot of work with SS and offender management etc.

he has to realise if he continues on this path then his free time is numbered....he will end up in a YOI. for some its the wake up call. you know him best though.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:25:46

oh and bollocks to crushed up penicillin tablet. the kids drug of choice now is a white powder called MCAT which is cheap as chips.

it does have a definite affect on the mood of the person taking it - and not in a good way.

flow4 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:33:50

Vicar, you beat me to it. Flowery, I would put money on it being M-CAT. Come over to Teenagers, where you will find many more people with direct experience and a fair bit of wisdom.

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 00:34:38

DSS is 'far too clever' to accept/properly join councelling.

DP is v protective of his first son.

It's been a two year battle of me saying to DP 'You have to be stricter' and DP saying 'I am a bit but he needs freedom to learn from his mistakes'.

I think DSS is still using drugs, he may well be using harder drugs than cannabis by now (no evidence other than his say so), the one thing I think in DSS favour is that I don't think he is using cannabis on a daily basis, which he was when he came to live with us at 14.

He is using the support networks to meet other drug users, DP and one of his support people are now working on that.

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 00:48:47

Vicar - DSS has history of trying to sell dried herbs (mixed herbs as in what I bought to put in a spag bol) mixed into a 'spliff', I tried to explain to him that if he mis-sold this to a junkie, he could get himself murdered, or he could get me murdered, it was the first time DP actually heard what I had been saying for a while.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:50:10

oh. well i hope he is far too clever to accept a sentence for robbery (?) too then. (robbery is theft with violence and carries a stiff sentence - im still not sure whether you mean robbery in its definition in law or burglary??)

im in the police - your DP is doing him no favours.

they rarely just do cannabis occasionally and MCAT is horrible stuff . Why do you think he has been either robbing folk or committing burglary? i would bet it will be to fund a drug habit.
your DSS needs help and his father isnt giving it. sorry.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:51:40

if he is trying to sell anything and pass it off as drugs then he can still be convicted of possession with intent to supply.

your step son has a drugs problem. he may be hiding it from you but mark my words - he has a problem.

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 00:57:25

I don't want to go to Teenagers flow, thanks for the invite though. I just needed to vent with the latest news available to me on shitbagwholivesin myhouse my DSS

Monty27 Wed 23-Jan-13 01:03:59

Dss will be taken in for possession, if you report, at worst, as vicar says, with intention to supply. He will have a record.

Your call.

flow4 Wed 23-Jan-13 01:07:39

OK. Venting is important. But if you're going to parent this teenager, at some point you'll need to work out what to do and how to survive it. You know where to find us. smile

KhallDrogo Wed 23-Jan-13 01:10:29

Does he go to school flowery?

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 01:20:45

Vicar, I am in no doubt that DSS has a drug problem, he also has a cashflow problem and is in debt to some 'helpful' people. I think I made a mistake with the descripstion of DSS criminality, from what you have said it is burglary that he is currently accused of, as far as I am aware no violence has been involved. (Not including the verbal abuse he has suffered from me, and assuming arson is something other than violent).

I know he is going the wrong path, in every way, but for some reason all his mum can do is wring her hands (after letting her DS make best friends with a drug dealer willing to supply his kid's mates, allegedlly). All his dad wants to do is protect him from serious consequense.

I just want it all to go away, but it's not going to is it?

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 01:23:35

He has finished school now, and has lost out on any opportunity to meet anyone normal and not criminal. TBH I am glad about that, at least he can only drag down the people he already knows.

SquinkiesRule Wed 23-Jan-13 02:23:52

All the drug takers I have known and met are the absolute best liars ever. They should be actors, tears, look you in the eye, make up fantastic stories on the spot without batting an eylid. They could sell ice to the eskimos so don't believe a word he says.
Your Dh is still doing him no favors, I'm sorry to hear that. He isn't protecting him from anything really, he's handing him free rein to end up dead in an alley from an overdose or get killed by a dealer. What a sad waste of a life.
Stay safe OP I hope you keep anything of any value locked up because they steal where they can, and don't care if it comes from friends and family eventually.

The parents of the family member I wrote about tried to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Said they were going to take action against the police when he got scratched by a police dog chasing him from the scene of a burglery (that he definitely wasn't involved in hmm). He ended up in a YOI and progressed from there into further violent crime and adult prison. No one has seen him in years, he is now cut off from the family. At various points he wrecked the family car and assaulted and hospitalised his father.

In my view, the best way to help him is to let him take the consequences now because if he thinks he is getting away with it or outsmarting the system it is going to get worse not better.

CrapBag Wed 23-Jan-13 10:33:30

Oh dear. How many mistakes is your DSS allowed to learn from. It sounds like your DP is refusing to face up to how bad he is!!

You have my sympathy, it sounds like a total nightmare to love with. Can you not get tougher with your DP in making him face up and deal with him?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:12:58

i dont want to scare you but burglary is still a very harrowing crime and carries up to 14 years....

when i said he could be accused of PWITS i was on about the herbs - the fact he is selling them as a drug - one bag of white powder wouldnt get PWITS - just posession.

it sounds like you are having a terrible time with him - when you say he is under investigation for burglary - have you any idea where along the process that is? is he likely to be charged?

what convictions does he actually have already?

What help are you/he getting? are SS involved?

floweryblue Wed 23-Jan-13 19:02:04

DP has much more faith in his son than I do Chazs, and is much more likely to fall for his denials. I have only ever accused DSS of stealing from me when I have been 100% certain money or cigarettes are missing. DP has, in the past, preferred to believe DSS over me, but now that I have been proved right and DSS has admitted to lying every time I pointed the finger, at least DP takes me seriously when I say something now.

Not a huge amount of 'love' here Crap grin (yeah I know things are not funny but it was a Freudian typo!).

Vicar he was convicted of arson and criminal damage last year (two different incidents on the same night). From what one police officer has told me, his referral order and the length of it meant he was a very small step away from a custodial sentence.

I don't know the ins and outs of the criminal process but as far as I understand the situation, DSS has been given a court date, so I assume he has been charged with some form of stealing, possibly some passing on of stolen goods and some form of helping someone else steal (apparently during the incident I found out about last night DSS was in the victim's garden while his friend went into the house and helped himself to some stuff, this is what the police told DP).

Harrowing doesn't come close, the latest victim I heard about has recently been widowed. DP and DSS were helping her out a few months ago because DP met the victim while having cancer treatment on the same ward as her now late husband.

The help we have at the moment are the probation service and a local group who are meant to help addicted youngsters. Don't have a lot of faith in either, part of the probation thing involved clearing some land and then burning the rubbish on bonfires (for an arsonist hmm). As far as I can make out, the addict thing has just helped him to hook up with other addicts, who also don't see it as a problem...

Anyway, thanks all of you for your sympathy and support. Please don't think I'm being rude if I say I'm going to stay off this thread for now, I just need to regain some sanity and calm myself down.

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