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to be surprised by this reaction to a reasonable request

(114 Posts)
Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:52:00

Namechanger and I want to be fairly vague as I'm worried about being outed and pissing off the person involved (fairly paranoid but hey!)

Getting married soon at a venue which is also a private residence. There are areas open to the wedding guests, but areas which are only to be used by the owners (completely fair enough). The exception to this is the bridal suite which is only to be used by the bride and groom.

One of my bridesmaids will be heavily pregnant at the time of the wedding, but also suffers from a disability which both effects mobility and her capacity to walk, and also results in extreme fatigue which has been made much, much worse by the pregnancy. She often has to go for a lie down to be able to get through the rest of the day. There is only one big room for the wedding and some outdoor areas, so nowhere really for her to go for some quiet time. There are some things happening in the evening that she (and I!) would really like her to be there for, but I get the feeling she is a bit worried about the day and being able to make it through.

I thought in the circumstances that it would be OK for her (and her alone) to use our room for a sleep if she needs to, rather than her (and her husband) potentially have to leave early. There are no hotels nearby so it will require a car journey away from the venue. It's about a 25 min drive to their hotel.

I asked the venue owner and he has said no, not in any circumstances can anyone else enter the room. He has offered his office for her to sit down, but it isn't really somewhere that she could sleep. Plus he said it has to be before 6pm which is before the meal ends so probably too early.

He is a really lovely, helpful, nice guy so I am really surprised about this. I would have thought in this situation they could have made an exception, and now I feel really bad as when my friend was telling me she was worried about the day I told her I am sure it will be fine for you to have a nap, and she was really relieved I haven't told her yet as I don't want to paint the owner as the bad guy, but I'm not really sure how to play it. He will be organising things on the day so I really don't want to cause any issues or bad feeling, I just want everything to be lovely on the day and not have the bad taste of an argument.

I suppose I can organise a taxi for her to go back and have a nap after the meal and then bring her back again, but it seems like such a shame for her to have to do that, and I know she doesn't like a fuss being made.

AIBU for thinking that this really should have been OK? And also what should I do.....?

TheMonster Sun 17-Apr-11 10:53:46

Did he give a reason?
I would have thought that if you were ok with it then it should be fine.

said Sun 17-Apr-11 10:54:22

How would anyone know? Couldn't you just give her the key?

dontcallmepeanut Sun 17-Apr-11 10:54:42

YANBU! but why bother running it by the venue owner? I borrowed my mum's bedroom at the hotel when my brother got married... Just to settle DS to sleep. I think he's making issues out of nothing

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:55:18

No reason just that the rule has to be strictly adhered to. It involves a walk through the private residence (which I assume is why the rule is in place) so we couldn't sneak her in...

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:55:46

it isn't a hotel btw...

therealmrsbeckham Sun 17-Apr-11 10:56:58

YANBU. His attitude seems very mean given the circumstances. Has he said why your bridesmaid can't use the room or is he just being 'jobsworth'?

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:57:05

I suppose I feel really bad about it because I am very protective over her and just assume everyone else will be the same. She hasn't always been ill and she has got worse quite quickly

ENormaSnob Sun 17-Apr-11 10:58:03

That sounds odd IMO

I can't see the owners issue at all.

ExitPursuedByALamb Sun 17-Apr-11 10:58:14

Sounds difficult. Is there no way she could rest in the car? Front seat down as far it can go?

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:58:14

Like I say, it was just 'the rule must be strictly adhered to'

I suppose I could push for a reason but I did that with another thing I wasn't allowed to do, and he got a bit funny. It's stressing me out enough, DP is fuming and I'm worried about it descending into a big argument

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 10:59:03

Yes Exit that is another option, although at 7 1/2 months pregnant I'm not sure how comfortable that will be for her

said Sun 17-Apr-11 10:59:45

Maybe it's an insurance matter?? But, either way, he should at least give you a reason.

thumbbunny Sun 17-Apr-11 11:00:18

I suppose it's too late to change the venue now, isn't it?

I can see his wanting to stick strictly to the rules, but really he's being a little petty unless it's to do with insurance.

Perhaps you could hire a big stretch limo for the day, and she could have a rest in there? or a camper van might be cheaper...

said Sun 17-Apr-11 11:00:55

Just tell him you'll set up a tent in the grounds instead grin

jojowest Sun 17-Apr-11 11:01:16

maybe its something to do with elf and safety or insurance purposes beyond his control

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 11:02:08

I suppose it could be insurance...

said Sun 17-Apr-11 11:04:16

Set up this outside

edam Sun 17-Apr-11 11:04:22

I suspect this might be a breach of the Disability Discrimination Act which requires suppliers of goods and services to make reasonable adjustments so that people with disabilities can use those goods and services same as anyone else.

He should have said yes and is being a bit mean but probably hasn't thought about it in those terms - did you explain your friend is disabled or does he just think she's pregnant and therefore likely to be tired?

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 11:04:26

You would have thought he would just say that though? Others are allowed in the morning btw eg hairdresser or florist when the brides getting ready (although I'm not using it in the morning)

No budget at all left for hiring cars etc, but I feel a bit peed off I would even have to do that! And yes, far far far too late to change venue... the wedding is extremely soon!

Namechanger2011 Sun 17-Apr-11 11:05:42

No I explained exactly what her disability is and how is effects her.

I suppose the problem is that the room isn't a goods or service as it's not actually part of the public areas? The rest of it is totally accessible for wheelchairs etc

LaWeasel Sun 17-Apr-11 11:08:28

You could try quoting the DDA, but the only think I can possibly think of, if he really won't budge is borrowing a caravan off a friend and parking it up in the grounds. Somebody must have one, even if it is a friend of your parents? And might be sympathetic to your friend's situation.

TidyDancer Sun 17-Apr-11 11:08:49

Is it too late to change venues? I'd seriously consider it if it's possible.

TidyDancer Sun 17-Apr-11 11:09:21


grumpypants Sun 17-Apr-11 11:09:24

what about a camp bed in the office? Really cheap in Ikea or similar.

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