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To be so hurt by this?

(57 Posts)
fedupbeingafool Tue 15-Mar-11 12:47:06

I feel that i've been treated horribly by a friend recently and would really appreciate your opinions. This is probably going to be a long one so please bear with me.

Basically I met my dp 5 years ago on a weekend away that I was dragged on by a friend of a friend. We clicked straight away and started a relationship. Now on the same weekend my best friend, lets call her 'A', got quite close to my dp's brother, 'B'. The problem I had was that he was engaged at the time so it just didn't sit right with me. They carried on seeing each other, mainly just for sex, and it started to cause a lot of problems. They seemed to think they could stay at our house and have noisy sex all night, i'm not a prude or anything but when I had to go to family do's and sit with B's fiancee it just made me feel awkward. It also caused problems in my own relationship as dp and I started keeping secrets from one another concerning A and B. We were stuck in the middle, him trying to be loyal to his brother and me to my friend. It eventually became too much and I told A that we wanted nothing to do with it anymore but I thought what she was doing was unfair to everyone concerned.
Over the years B has made a fool of A countless times. Promising her the world, saying he loved her but it just wasn't the right time to leave his fiancee but when he did he couldn't wait to be with her properly. 2 years ago B finally split from his fiancee but he loved the single life and playing the field with loads of women and didn't even tell A he was single again. He eventually started a relationship with another woman and A was gutted, totally heartbroken. When she wised up she realised how much trouble she had caused for dp and I and apologised profusely. She said she had been blinded by love for B and had believed all his lies but she was sorry now and realised what a fool she had been. She picked up her life and was doing great, she finally realised that giving a man all the sex he wants doesn't make him love or respect you.
So fast forward another few months and B splits from the new woman. Straight away he's sniffing around A again as he had her down as easy sex but she told him where to go and that she wasn't interested. I was so proud of her! B was disgusted, he's not used to women saying no, so he carried on playing the field.
Just before Christmas I noticed A and B were now friends on Facebook. I asked her about it and she said he'd sent her a message and they had got talking but they were only friends, she'd never go there again. That was ok but then she turned up at my door 3 weeks ago and told me she was now in a relationship with B. I was gobsmacked and got quite annoyed, couldn't believe she had fell for his bullshit again. She assured me it was love and that I don't know the 'real' B but he's really lovely. Eh, I do know the real B and he would say anything to a woman to get his way. He's a charmer and knows the right things to say to a woman to make them feel secure and wanted. I told A I didn't think we could be friends any more but she begged and begged so I gave in.
But here's the thing that gets me. She has now put some 'rules' to our friendship. Basically we're still supposed to be best friends but i'm not allowed talk to her about my dp and she won't talk about B. Is it just me or is that not what friends do?
She left then and I sat and thought about it and realised I can't do that. She was my best friend for 13 years but now i'm not allowed talk about one of the most important parts of my life, my dp.
We were at a family party this week end and of course A and B were there. I just stayed away from them, i'm really too hurt to talk to her and at the end of the day what have we got to talk about anymore with her new rules. But now dp is on my back and we've just had a big bust up over it. He said at the end of the day B is his brother and we're going to have to socialise with them quite often. But I can't help how I feel, I'm grieving for my lost friendship but he doesn't see it like that. AIBU in never wanting to speak to her again?

If you got this far thank you so much

FabbyChic Tue 15-Mar-11 12:52:25

It's a tough one to call, you could just be civilised and make small talk, you don't have to get close again and talk about anything personal, just say the usual hello and goodbye and weather chat.

You are going to have to say goodbye to the friendship you once had that is gone, however whom she chooses to be with should really not be a problem if you were real friends.

Generally you make your thoughts known but you don't pressurise the person into doing what you think is right.

Just say you think she is making a mistake but it is her choice, not yours.

The rules regarding your friendship are pathetic and she ought to grow up.

FabbyChic Tue 15-Mar-11 12:53:18

I'd tell your DP though that if he cheats on her you will tell her and won't be party to any underhandedness or lies.

fedupbeingafool Tue 15-Mar-11 12:57:39

Thanks FabbyChic, I did actually say that to her. I told her that she was making a big mistake, he would never change, but who was I to stand in their way and I wished them all the best.
I was all for just making small talk but when I saw her I just got so upset and needed to stay away. I was hurt that ther she was in my local pub, about an hour away from her house yet she hadn't even texted or called me in 3 weeks to say she'd be there.
It's the rules I have the problem with more than anything else. Dp and I had been having problems the last few weeks and usually I would talk to her about it but I just felt so lost and alone as she said i'm not allowed mention him any more

Vallhala Tue 15-Mar-11 12:59:55

Whether you speak to her is entirely your own choice and nothing to do with your husband although I wouldn't have made the decision you have.

WRT A not wanting to discuss her DP with you, might this be because she doesn't want to know what your opinion is about the man or for you to judge her sexual relationships?

woopsidaisy Tue 15-Mar-11 13:00:28

Fedup,I get why you were annoyed with your friend in the beginning. She was being a part of a relationship that could hurt someone else.And it was putting you into an awkward situation with the "real girlfriend".
However,things have moved on. Are you seriously saying your friend-who is I presume a grown woman- cannot go out with this guy? You need to step away,*now*.
Friends make mistakes,she did. She admitted it and apologised. You are getting way too involved in her life.
You are pissed off that she won't want you talking "about one of the most important parts" of you life,your DP. But her DP is not deemed important at all!?
You cannot expect your brother to ignore his own brother. And if you try, be careful,family bonds may be bigger than you.
I think you have lost perspective of the situation. Grow up and let these people live their own lives!
If she is a real friend you would still be there to pick up the pieces if he treats her like crap again. I know I would for my friends.
So yes,YABU.

fedupbeingafool Tue 15-Mar-11 13:07:50

Vallhala and woopsidaisy thanks for your replies. I really wanted to hear all sides on this. I never said she cannot go out with this guy, thats not up to me at all. I wished her all the best with it. I also didn't mean to make out that her dp isn't important, I just find it very strange that two best friends wouldn't talk about their relationships. i can't see how we would carry on as normal with those rules.
i didn't ask dp to ignore his own brother, I just stayed away from A as I was too upset to talk to her.

MadamDeathstare Tue 15-Mar-11 13:14:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woopsidaisy Tue 15-Mar-11 13:17:39

Fedup,thanks for taking the criticisim so well! grin.
Look,these things have a way of sorting themselves out.
So you don't discuss "the guys" for a while. I'm sure if both relationships are going well over time,you can start introducing them into the conversation.
Don't lose a friendship over a guy,that may not even be around very long...

perfumedlife Tue 15-Mar-11 13:18:20

I had a friend with an absolute bastard for a partner. She would cry and moan to me about him, but I was not allowed to mention what i thought. Her rules.

She's an ex friend, an ex with a bastard for a boyfriend.

It can't work, her rules are stupid. Forget about her, and let your dp do his thing, it's is brother.

MadamDeathstare Tue 15-Mar-11 13:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife Tue 15-Mar-11 13:21:49

I dare say some people can make it work, having certain subjects off limits, but for two former best friends to not discuss thier very connected partners somewhat negates the point of friendship for me.

Each to their own, if you think you can wear a muffler and chat about work and tv and philosophy whilst ignoring the elephant in the room, good for you. I just don't see the point, it's the full range that makes female friendships so rich.

MadamDeathstare Tue 15-Mar-11 13:26:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe Tue 15-Mar-11 13:27:42

"but then she turned up at my door 3 weeks ago and told me she was now in a relationship
with B. I was gobsmacked and got quite annoyed, couldn't believe she had fell for his bullshit again." But why would you get annoyed - it is her relationship.

"I told A I didn't think we could be friends any more" why? because she's seeing someone you don't approve of? hmm

Clearly she wanted you to remain friends, and perhaps just brought in the conditions in order to reduce conflict, but really I don't see why you have any reason to be hurt - in fact I think that she has every right to feel hurt because her so-called best friend has decided to end a friendship because she doesn't approve of her choice of partner.

I think you are the one in the wrong here, and need to grow up. This isn't about you - in fact it's got nothing to do with you.

MadamDeathstare Tue 15-Mar-11 13:30:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife Tue 15-Mar-11 13:32:13

I know MadamDeathstare, but so is going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to maintain a friendship that barrs discussion or mention of their two partners. I tried this with my friend, we would talk about where we went at weekends, she would mention some place, then some annoying thing her dp did to ruin it. She couldn't even keep to her side of her deal, what she meant was , she can carry on waxing lyrical about her love life, and moan and cry when it went wrong, but I was only allowed to respond in the affirmative.

That's what happens in practice. Women in the grip of a relationship like this have already shown they think they are different, just by sticking with the man, therefore different rules apply to them.

Nothing wrong with being polite at nights out. That's easy after a while. But I hate that mantra 'if you're my friend you will support me whatever, and just be there for me' Bollocks, it means I will do as I say, bleed you dry emotionally again, when it goes wrong again, and you can't say whats on your mind. Some friendship. There are plenty nice woman out there, leave her to her fantasy life.

MadamDeathstare Tue 15-Mar-11 13:35:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyCash Tue 15-Mar-11 13:36:19

OP I think your friend's taken it too far this time - you're not ready for her behaviour or her conditions on your friendship... and TBH I don't blame you!

perfumedlife Tue 15-Mar-11 13:36:27

I don't discuss my dh on any deep level either, MDS, I think mumsnetters know more than my friends grin But women in there tumultous relationships do nothing but talk about theirs.

I agree that the op should have no say whatsoever who her friend dates, but equally, she is perfectly entiteled to say I think you're mad, it puts me in an awkward position again,, when I hear about him cheating, lets call it a day.

Mammie81 Tue 15-Mar-11 13:45:39

How can you not discuss your partners, they are brothers! That could be workable if they didnt know each other or did but didnt interact often.

Surely you will be invited to family events and such!

Her rules are silly, but they are now in a legitimate relationship and I think you do have to accept that. My BF goes out with a knob too, I just avoid getting drawn into long conversations with him. I dont voice it to her either, she already goes out with a knob, she doesnt need me on at her either! wink

Itchywoolyjumper Tue 15-Mar-11 13:48:40

Oh Fedup, I've been here (minus the brother though). One of my oldest friends has had a difficult and complicated life from her earliest days. Just when it seemed that things had settled down for her she did something that I considered to be frankly mental and have very real potential to wreck things for her again. I was so annoyed at her for doing this, I stuck my oar in where it wasn't wanted and we fell out.
However, over a long time we were able to sort it out and we're close again now. I felt that I was right in saying what I did at the time but it didn't change anything and all I did was hurt my friend, which I painfully regret. Its not the same as it was, there are things we don't talk about but she's still my mate and I'm pretty thankful to have her.

Its hard when this kind of thing happens but do you think maybe she suggested the not talking about your partners thing as a way of preserving your friendship? If so, would you be able to carry on like this until things evened out again? 13 years is a long time to have someone in your life and then throw it away. I can see why you feel the way you do but I would give yourself some time to think about it.

I hate to say it but your DP is right, she's pretty much your SIL so in the interests of the family you'll need to be civil to her at least.

fedupbeingafool Tue 15-Mar-11 13:48:44

Thanks girls

MadamDeathstare, I won't be badmouthing him to her at all. But that's not to say she won't repeat any of the stuff I said to her before they were an item. Then again, she said the same stuff too!
wannabe, I was annoyed because i've seen how much devestation he's brought to her life before. She was in a really bad way when he got with the new girlfriend, took her a long time to build herself up again. I know it's none of my business but when you see your closest friend in the world being crushed by a man you can't help being defensive of them.
I said we couldn't be friends anymore out of annoyance. She had been going behind my back for 2 months before she told me and that hurt. Yes I was childish and I fully admit it but i'm devestated to lose my friend.
Perfumedlife, i'm so sorry that happened to you and your friend A and I always spoke about everything in our lives. I'm just going to find it hard not having her to talk to anymore.

perfumedlife Tue 15-Mar-11 13:52:33

This friend wasn't my best friend though fedup, I know that makes it all the harder for you. If you really love her, and would miss her, give it a try I suppose. But what I will say is, do you not find your respect for her ebbing away? Would you really value her input into the problems you are having with your dp?

fedupbeingafool Tue 15-Mar-11 14:05:21

My respect for her is rapidly disappearing
After B got with his new girlfriend 2 years ago A really went off the rails. She threw herself at men as she thought by sleeping with them would gain their respect. She bacame a shell of her former self and it was so hard to see. In the end I had a blazing row with her over what she was doing to herself. We stopped speaking for a while but then she came back and told me that what i'd said was right but she just found it hard to hear the truth at the time. She started respecting herself again and gained her confidence back but now she had fallen back into B's arms.
Ah I know i'm just feeling like this for selfish reasons. I miss my friend, I miss our chats. I know I can't be friends with her under these new rules, that's not the type of friendship we had before.
It will cause problems between dp and I if B does start cheating on her as dp will keep it from me knowing i'd tell A. That's what happened before

thefruitwhisperer Tue 15-Mar-11 14:09:21

It sounds a bit like you just want her to do what you say, or theres a blazing row.

Stay out of the whole thing, dont talk about your DPs and your problem is solved. Why should your DP know if his brother is cheating, its nothing to do with him either. Then you arent in any 'position'

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