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To let my daughter smoke

(131 Posts)
GreenAmy Sat 05-Feb-11 13:38:51

Be easy on me as I have been having a nightmare with my 11 year old daughter since November when I first caught her smoking. Posted on parenting a few weeks ago but did not really get any answers.

I have stopped her allowance and took away her dS Lite, grounded her, took away her phone, MP3 player, TV and all I have achieved is to drive a wedge between use.

We used to get on so well now she is like a stranger, yet I know she still smokes, she says she has friends.

I watch her smiling and being polite with other people, everyone tells me how sweet, polite, helpful she is.

I worry where she gets her cigarettes from and where she goes off to smoke also.

So as this section is more busy I will post here and ask for suggestions.

I am tired of the situation and prepared to give in to her.

Her father died in a traffic accident in 2009, so not around.

Readallaboutit1 Wed 07-Aug-13 04:14:03

Stealth that is an excellent point.

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 06-Aug-13 23:35:04

Post in Teenagers for more sympathetic and helpful response from people who don't just have perfect 5 year olds

It has been mentioned smile It has also been mentioned that it's incorrect. Perhaphs you should try reading the thread smile

Hardboiled - when you have an 11 year old smoking, you need to do what you need to do. Annual leave, family leave, find a childminder who will take an 11 year old, rope in friends/family - it can be done if it's important enough to you, to do it <shrug>

MrsHoarder Tue 06-Aug-13 19:12:54


Turniptwirl Tue 06-Aug-13 19:08:40

Post in Teenagers for more sympathetic and helpful response from people who don't just have perfect 5 year olds-

hardboiledpossum Tue 06-Aug-13 19:04:25

Chipping , my parents couldn't take time off work because then the bills wouldn't have got paid, i imagine that is the same for lots of families. I don't think many chikdmnders take on 11 year olds, especially the rebellious kind.

I was 13 when i started smoking and i honestly don't think there was anything my parents could have done to stop me. All punishing me did was push me further away and lead me to be more rebellious. I think you can make your displeasure known and not allow it as such; without coming down hard.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 06-Aug-13 18:51:43

You cant stop her,you can try amd talk to her calmly and put her off it but it if shes going to do it shes going to do it.She will hide it from you.I know this can be done as my family still dont know i smoke and now im a mum....

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 06-Aug-13 18:49:53

justforlaughs - not true actually.

Hardboiled - you do what you have to do and if that means taking time off of work to deal with this, then that's what you do. Or organise a childminder etc It's easy enough if you want to do it.

It's always interesting to read an OP, realise it's a zombie thread and know, even 4 years later - that your answer is still the same smile

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Aug-13 18:42:18

As far as I can see hardboiled the people who think you can supervise an 11 yo all the time, don't have 11 yo's as yet. wink

hardboiledpossum Tue 06-Aug-13 18:05:57

I know this is a zombie thread but im curious as to how people think you can supervise an 11 year old all of the time. At that age my parents both worked full time. My mum got home around 6.30, when i reached secondary school after school clubs were no longer an option. So i was unsupervised from 7.30 am till 6.30 pm most days.

foreverondiet Tue 06-Aug-13 17:27:39

I thought you were going to say your DD was 16!

At 11 I wouldn't tolerate or allow it. As well as taking away DS / no allowance / no clothes / no seeing friends after school etc I would also say that I would be taking her and collecting her from school. I would text all her friends parents and also the school to warn them. I wouldn't let her out alone at all. So basically she'd be grounded apart from school.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 06-Aug-13 16:30:08

Whats a zombie thread justforlaughs?
Can we whack its head off?

Pinkponiesrock Tue 06-Aug-13 16:20:06

I smoked a bit when I was young and my parents response was if I could afford to waste my money on smoking then I certainly didn't need their money for anything else. A few months with no allowance, bus fares, new clothes etc put a stop to that. I was and still am very into horses so most behaviour could be controlled by removing competing privileges with the horses.

Make it her decision, she can continue to smoke but she will lose everything else, make it clear you do not condone the behaviours but provide any support/help she needs to give up.

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Aug-13 16:18:41

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[ Tries again! ]

LimitedEditionLady Tue 06-Aug-13 16:17:46

Im 26,smoked for ten years and im battling right now to quit.Its bloody hard going,if you can stop her,do it.

mrsjay Tue 06-Aug-13 16:14:42

oh fuck this a zombie thread. Which twunt reactivated it?

OCHT BUGGER ME teach me for not checking

mrsjay Tue 06-Aug-13 16:13:01

no dont let her smoke dont say oh well she is going to do it anyway , I smoked from about 14 and I wish my mum had been more strict although it was my fault for starting, I wish she had helped me stop but she just said you cant smoke in the house, and back then it was easy to get fags, she must be getting them from somewhere buying them from an older child or stealing them from somewhere, take her to the GP and they can help her stop starting smoking was the worst thing I have done ever, dont condone it

SomeDizzyWhore1804 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:12:00

For what it's worth I don't think patents should ever tolerate their kids smoking. My parents are very anti cigarettes and wouldn't tolerate me smoking around them now (I'm the best part of 30!) and i really think thats why I've never taken up smoking. My sister in law is 21 and her parents have let her smoke openly in the house since she was 13. She's on 60 a day and its disgusting. I really believe that if they'd made it harder for her to smoke she wouldn't be such a heavy user now.

YouStayClassySanDiego Tue 06-Aug-13 16:10:18

Oh fuck! blush

YouStayClassySanDiego Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:41


are you 11?

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Aug-13 16:05:06

I'm sad enough to message the OP to ask for an update blush

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Tue 06-Aug-13 16:03:57

Damn you, zombie thread. I just RT-whole-FT before realising. Would love to hear an update from the OP and if she managed to get through to her daughter.

watchingout Tue 06-Aug-13 16:00:10

Well I have just RTT and gained a few insights into what has and hasn't worked so I don't think its been half hour wasted grin
I'd be interested to see if OP is still around and whether DD is still smoking?

ComposHat Tue 06-Aug-13 15:50:00

daughter is probsbly 52 now. bloody zombie thresd

thegreylady Tue 06-Aug-13 15:45:03

Oh...all that and it is a Zombie-I am a fool!

thegreylady Tue 06-Aug-13 15:44:22

You can't 'let her' smoke that would be very bad parenting and one day, as an adult, she would be justified in turning round and saying,"I was a child.Why didn't you stop me?" If she starts smoking at 11 she could be dead by 40 of a smoking related illness.
But you know that.
You want your lovely dd back and you want to salvage the realationship.Here's how I think you can do it.Tell her once and for all that you do not,cannot and will not condone her smoking.You will tell her when her breath stinks and her clothes smell.You will do nothing to facilitate it either financially or by allowing it in the home.You will destroy any cigarettes or smoking paraphernalia you find.You will hep her when she needs to quit.
From that conversation on you will not mention smoking again unless you have to follow through on the above.You won't ask her if she has been smoking or remind her not to do it.
You love her now and always and will still love her when she is coughing her lungs up in a hospital bed.

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