Very long sorry...but my mum and her cyber affair...well not really that, more him and his wife...(35 Posts)
I'd tell your mum you don't want to hear about this man or her plans (which after all might come to nothing) out of respect to your dad
tbh I wouldn't want anything to do with her
I think it's a terrible state of affairs, he obviously doesn't give a shit about his wife, buying her huge amounts of alcohol to feed her addiction, and ultimately her death. Does your mum really think she can trust him??? He's pretty much committing manslaughter at best.
I can sort of understand why people get into affairs when their spouse is very ill long term with no chance of recovery iykwim, but I still don't think it's right.
An alcoholic as ill as this woman would not be able to just stop drinking. It is not that simple. Just stopping would probably kill her quicker than she is already killing herself.
Its possible your mum is telling you what she thinks you need to hear, or what she believes is happening, but either way, it is a bit heartless that she is making plans for her future so openly while your Dad is still alive.
I'd just not mention it to her. If she brings the subject up then change it. And when it all goes tits up (which it probably will as he sounds like a moron) all you can do is be there for her and hope she finds someone much nicer.
And really sorry to hear about your dad - had no idea (((Mofe)))
Really, seriously, I think whatever you do will have no impact. My guess is that this man is a bit of a fantasy/stress-relief at the moment.
That, of course, won't stop him becoming a reality at some point ... .
I agree he does not sound good. Has your mother seen that "Red Flag" thread that gets bumped every so often in "Relationships"? He'd be scoring quite a few.
So, yes, you can say something. For myself, I probably couldn't stop myself. Buuuuut, I wouldn't push it, wouldn't keep going on, wouldn't expect any change, because it sounds to me as though it will have no effect and might lead to a rift between you and your mother.
Can I just say that it sounds like a very awful, stressful situation to be in, and you sound incredibly mature about it?
I think this man's situation may be a lot more complex and difficult than you may realise. Being in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic can very easily take over your life. Trying to manage someone else's drinking can be traumatising.
Watching someone going through alcohol withdrawal is horrendous. Alcohol withdrawal is not just a bad hangover. It can be hallucinations, vomiting, serious shaking, palpitations and panic attacks. All the time they may well be literally on their hands and knees begging you to get them some booze. While you sit there knowing that some alcohol would make it all stop.
It's very easy to sit back and say how someone else should deal with that kind of situation. It's a fuck of a lot harder to live it.
That's not to say that I think what he's doing is the best thing he can be doing - it isn't. But through Al-Anon I do know a lot of men and women who have done much the same and for reasons that at the time seemed like the least-worst option out of a whole load of very shitty options.
All that being said, I think the OP's mother is being very naive to think that even if this man's wife left him (or dropped dead) tomorrow that he will be ready for a relation any time soon. He's been screwed up by living in a screwed up relationship for a long time. He's going to have a lot of baggage he needs to deal with before he should even consider starting new relationships.
He is buying her the alcohol as to go cold turkey would make her seriously ill or could even kill her. I speak from experience (not me!) so it might not be as cut and dry as you think.
It's a very complicated situation. The only thing I would say is if the alcohol buying thing is the only issue, don't let that be the deciding factor on your ultimate opinion of this man. As far as his wife goes, he is between a rock and a hard place.
((((Mofe)))) What a shit situation. I bet it wasn't this bad when it started though, I can see how this is the bottom of the slippery slope. It starts off with a bottle a night, to unwind, to relax etc, and she's then addicted. If he doesn't buy it, she abuses him, he buys it. It's only a half a bottle after all... oh, now a bottle...it's only a bottle and a bit....it's two bottles but he dare not stop...
Or, he's happily buying her poison knowing that whilst she's drinking herself to death, he's got his reward coming.
I don't think you're going to get any idea of the full situation just from your mum, who's rose-tinted glasses are well-established. If not for your dad, I'd suggest you did skype him and once you'd 'met' him, make your own mind up. But I can see how that would feel very disrepectful to your dad. I don't think any decision here is going to feel like 100% the right one.
charliesmummy's and snorbs' posts are very sensible.
I suspect that must be where the point of contact must lie between the two of them - in that they both finding their lives quite hard/overwhelming atm.
I still think the fact you are talking to your mother about it v. mature, but c. and s. may well have a point about what's going on in the Australian man's life.
(Still feel it doesn't bode well for an actual relationship for your mother.)
I wouldn't be giving his situation a moments thought tk be honest
not until my mum was definitely moving to be with him
Is there any reason they can't just get divorced like other people?!
I agree with Snorbs too. His wife sounds as if she has damaged her liver beyond repair and it's only a matter of time. If her pleasure (short term) is to drink herself into oblivion and not have to think about what the future holds then so be it. How's she supposed to get her alcohol? He has to bring it for her.
It's none of your Mum's business actually - nor yours, OP. It's the husbands and wife's hell and how they deal with it is between them.
I don't know your situation but didn't like the way you referred to your Dad being 'out of the way' either. If that's your Mum's attitude then it's very different to the husband's attitude to his wife and perhaps he will run a mile from settling down with her.
I would say its fairly obvious why neither of them can get divorced.
evildead - lots of people would feel quite guilty about divorcing in such a situation (terminal illness/chronic addiction, with serious health effects). The rights and wrongs of that feeling would be several long threads in Relationships, and many pages of women's magazines, and newpaper "personal experience"-type articles. I suspect that's another reason for their bond.
Bluddy, is your dads illness drink related? Even if not, it is probably that they are both in similar situations, ie partners who have been/are wholly dependent on them, that is giving them so much common ground.
I think at the moment, this is an escape route for your mum, and if she has spent a lot of time caring for your dad up till now, this is her way of coping.
I think tact is a bit lacking on her part, as it is your dad she is effectively cheating on, even though he clearly wouldnt know, and maybe she should be a bit more considerate of your feelings.
BMF... I hear you, after I hit 'post', I wondered if that was what you meant. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Where will they live? Here or Oz?
They might have to marry for her to get a visa.
Just thinking out loud, its no help I realise!
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful.
So posters here are slating this man and calling him all manner of names, yet no-one seems to have picked up on the fact the op's mum has now got her dh out of the way due to him being in a nursing home and is just waiting for him to die.
Op - actually I think it is very hard to judge anyone else's life. The reality is that living with an alcoholic or someone with a terminal illness is incredibly difficult. And I think that we none of us can really say that we might not find comfort in someone else were we in the same situation.
Bearing in mind they live half way across the world from each other, it's not as if they're meeting up for illicit sex between nursing home visits, while in any other situations what they're doing is wrong, it does seem apparent that neither the op's father nor this man's wife is able to fulfill an emotional need in either's lives right now, and neither is in a position to know about it or be hurt by it.
If your mum talking about it makes you uncomfortable because of your loyalty to your dad then I would by all means tell her that you don't want to know. But otherwise I just wouldn't get involved tbh. She's an adult, he's an adult, they presumably know what they're doing, and if there's no future in it that will all become apparent in time. But at the moment neither is in a position to pursue a future, and one or both may well find that they feel differently when their spouses pass on. Or it may even happen that one of them dies first, in which case it will resolve on its own.
I think if the Ops mum had simply said she was confiding in an old friend, and they were giving each other mutual support throughout their difficult situations, it would have been much more acceptable than her declaring their love and how she was preparing to run off to be with him.
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