Advanced search

reasonable or unreasonable

(14 Posts)
totallymashedbrain Sun 16-Jan-11 07:12:33

My ex moved out last year. Doesnt pay a penny towards my 3 year old, although he does have him a coupe of night a week. Last year because of child care and he wouldnt take time off work to look after his son my mum and dad took him away with them for 2 weeks and I joined them for a week. SO that way I got a break too, This year I broached the topic about hols and said I was thinking og going away for 2 weeks to be told 'thats fine' as I might take him away on hol too! When I told him I had booked he went ape and said I cant take him on hol he wont agree to this!! I have put up with his mental and physical abuse for years and frightened of what he will do! so as you can imagine this has really upset me and made me very wary infact terrified of the reprocusuions. This is the man who when should be havin his son doesnt amke any arrangements to pick him up for preschool , refuses to take time off when son is ill and he should be lookin after him! I have to do all the running around when its his turn to have him as he cant drive !As I have my son the most night can I take him away? thought and ideas appreciated as my mind s in a tourmoil at the mo . Many thanks for reading this

Poogles Sun 16-Jan-11 07:34:31

Sorry you are having a tough time but no advice. You may want to post in legal as it seems more of a legal issue. Lone parents might have experience as well .

mamadiva Sun 16-Jan-11 07:45:31

Do you have full custody with visitation or joint custody?

As far as I am aware ( knowledge) he is under legal obligation to be paying maintenance and is not, therefore does'nt really have rights to refuse a holiday for your son.

It sounds like he's a bit of a lousy dad anyway and from what you have said he would not have a leg to stand on in court, infact he is probably just threatening you because he is aware of your fear.

What kind of repercussions do you think may occur? Is he likely to do anything or has he done in the past?

Sorry about all the questions blush

There are many lovely people on the Lone Parents board who may be able to help you and some who may even be in the same position as you.

totallymashedbrain Sun 16-Jan-11 07:54:56

thanks for replies first time on here so didnt really no where to post! He comes round to the house I rent at silly hours waking us up and callin us names . Have informed police but dont want to ring asdont want son to see police takng dad away. He has done £1000 damage tocar but I was too frightened to report it silly I know. I contantly get horrendous text and phone message. He is tryin to control and maninpulate me. I get a text off him to say if I went round he we could sort something out!! noway am I goin round !

mumblechum Sun 16-Jan-11 07:56:50

There are two separate issues here:

Maintenance: You say he refuses to take time off to look after your son, so he's working, therefore he should be paying maintenance of 15% of his net salary, if not voluntarily, then through the Child Support Agency, so get in touch with them and they'll do an assesment backdated to the date of your application.

Holiday: You don't have to get his consent to take your child on holiday so long as you're not taking him out of the country for more than four weeks. He could, however, apply for a prohibited steps order but would only get it if he can show that there's a strong chance that you won't bring your son back to the jurisdiction. Is there a residence order in place?

TyraG Sun 16-Jan-11 08:00:21

You don't want DS to see police taking his dad away, but you don't mind him having to deal with his dad waking him up all hours of the night calling you both names?

Have the police take him away, it will do far less damage to your DS than what his dad is doing now.

mamadiva Sun 16-Jan-11 08:09:29

That sounds awful mashed but you sound like you're coping quite well with it

Next time he comes round could you call the police then sit with DS in his room and read a story or something? That way it kind of distracts him.

How does your DS react when this happens?

I imagine that it be more harmful for this to keep happening than the police taking his father away but I know it is a hard thing to do.

Sirzy Sun 16-Jan-11 08:10:40

It seems to holiday is just the tip of the iceberg here. I think you need to seek legal advice and if necessary call the police as in the long term what is going is unfortunately going to have more of a negative impact on Ds.

totallymashedbrain Sun 16-Jan-11 08:32:32

thanks for advice. The holiday was for 2 weeks camping in France so I could take him ds to disney. He agreed to this but now it is booked he is saying NO. I know I have to start ringing police but its hard! He said he wanted to take ds away too to which I said no problem. I am trying to be as amicable as poss! I just think we deserve a nice hol and ds would love disney. I am going to get on to CSA and I know I will get repercussions and will end up ringing for the police. For peace of mind over CHristmas we stayed with my parents, so feel my batteries have been recharged, althiugh the abusive texts and phone calls didnt stop i found the courage (no its silly) to turn the phone off. I was able to enjoy most of my CHristmas as was ds. Many thanks for advice its arelief to know onthers are going through similar and i can say how I feel

HSMM Sun 16-Jan-11 08:44:12

Get yourself a new phone number too and don't let him have it.

merrywidow Sun 16-Jan-11 08:53:16


Get the police to take him away.

You are attepting to keep reasonable, hes moving the goal posts all the time to undermine, to the cost of his DC. If the police know there are children around IME they can be considerate and remove quietly, unless of course he makes a fuss ( which he is already doing anyway )

Then get some more outside help to establish the rules.

Then go on holiday

Newgolddream Sun 16-Jan-11 08:58:35

I agree that this sounds more than just a simple decision about a holiday - this man is trying to control and manipulate the situation to his advantage through fear - and its working. For everyones peace of mind you need to take action, as hard as it may be.

Maintenance - yes needs sorted, no experience here but a visit to the CAB should help you think through your options.

Access - again see CAB or straight to a lawyer.

Keep a record of ALL abusive calls and keep the texts, and def go and see the Police. There is no way yo uand your child should be living in fear like this, and it will rub off on your son eventually.

totallymashedbrain Sun 16-Jan-11 09:06:03

thanks will start being harder and stay positive. I am determined we are going on this holiday, we both need it and I am not losing money for that pratt!!Will keep you all posted. Many htanks for replies and support. I really appreciate it.

merrywidow Sun 16-Jan-11 09:15:11

Be hard; some of These tosspot men I hear about on this board need to be shotgrow up and take responsibility for themselves and their families. He obviously needs a little outside help with understanding of proper behaviour

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: