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to still be angry that teachers did NOTHING to stop me being bullied?

(69 Posts)
Bumblequeen Sat 15-Jan-11 19:05:28

Left school in the early 90's and endured five years of bullying by both sexes. Was laughed at/singled out/ridiculed about my stature (was skinny with boyish figure), had unruly hair, high hairline. I admit I was not the prettiest or fashionable. I did not know how to make the most of my looks and mum had little money for latest styles.

Dh says it is not possible for me to have ever been ugly but that I was shy, lacked confidence and an easy target.

To this day I am still affected.

The teachers and pupils witnessed the constant name calling and humilation I endured on a daily basis and did not intervene. Most of the bullying took place in the classroom. I did not feel safe anywhere. There was no mediation, calling in parents for a meeting - nothing.

I would end up crying on my desk with my head in my hands. I felt ashamed to be 'me' and had no power or support to stop it. It went on and on. I was suicidal but too scared to actually take the step.

I did not speak to my mum as I wanted to give the impression I was fine. She had financial and emotional challenges. I did not want to admit I could not stand up for myself. The truth was I dreaded school, was late every day as I could not face what awaited me. I had no idea I could have been transferred to a new school/refused to return until it was dealt with. There were options but nobody informed me. I suffered and did not need to- that is what kills me.

I had a few 'friends' who were not supportive and were probably secretly pleased they were not the victim. Needless to say they are out of my life. I have no friends from school.

I still have flashbacks and go over the scenes again and again in my head. Why was I not strong enough to confront them? Why did I not ask for help.

Bullying is so demoralising. It strips away tiny pieces of you and you spend the rest of your life building it back. When I think back it makes me depressed that I was that 'person' who was weak and completely vulnerable to those who quite frankly made me feel I was not worthy of existing.

Now in my 30's I have a lovely dh and child. I feel scarred for life. I feel envious of teenagers I know who like school and have lots of friends there. They were the worst years of my life.

sarah293 Sat 15-Jan-11 19:10:33

Message withdrawn

dawntigga Sat 15-Jan-11 19:15:56

As a bullied person you SERIOUSLY need to let this go - it's a total waste of energy and these people still have some control over you. Get help. I did and it worked wonders. I went through 4 or 5 therapists till I found the right one but then everything clicked. I no longer care what they did when they were younger and even have a few of them on facebook as friends. Trust me, I went through some pretty heavy stuff but decided that holding onto any of the negativity only hurt me not them. If they didn't grow up and become nice people life will have dealt with them quite by now.


SecretNutellaFix Sat 15-Jan-11 19:16:06

Same here. From age 3 to the day I left school at 18. Not jst the kids either.

the only thing that kept me sane at school, and the only thing that kept me going there was music. I was in all the choirs going.

I have only just begun to build my confidence now at the age of 31, I've finally stopped being scared of uttering my opinion for fear of being ridiculed. Thanks to Mumsnet.

poshsinglemum Sat 15-Jan-11 19:21:51

op; you are me. shit isn't it? I have come to realise over time though that people who are mean to me have more wrong with them than I have. I wish I knew it then. Sadly to this day I feel that peopel aren't very nice about each other and feel it quite strongly when people are mean.

I guess the difference now is that I don't want to be friends with everybody, least of all with ''popular'' people whereas when I was younger I was desperate for friends. You will learn to love yourself.

camdancer Sat 15-Jan-11 19:35:28

I still get flashbacks of being bullied from 11-18. They were also the worst years of my life. But just imagine if they were the best years - what then? All your life you spend looking back thinking if only I could be a teenager again. Well not me. I'm very happy getting older and discovering all that life has to offer.

Somehow you have to get past this. You have to find your own way to do that but Tigga's advice is good. But you are defintely not alone. There are a whole lot of us survivors out there.

MorticiaAddams Sat 15-Jan-11 19:36:50

I wasn't bullied myself so can't speak from experience but I have to say that you can't keep this with you through your whole life, it's too destructive. It sounds as though you desperately need counselling especially now that you have a child of your own.

Trying to be positive, they do say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and what you have gone through has formed part of the person you are today and the person that your dh and dc love.

You can't change the past but you can help your dc to become a confident, happy child who can have a better time at school than you did.

ilovemyhens Sat 15-Jan-11 19:38:27

I still have to cross the road if I see a group of teenage girls walking in my direction sad

You learn to live with it, but it never completely leaves you. You could seek counselling that that would probably help you a lot. I'm an antisocial person by nature, so my lack of desire to be with people doesn't bother me, but I think it mostly stems from the chronic bullying that I had all through secondary school.

ToxicKitten Sat 15-Jan-11 19:41:54

Ditto all the above - bullying is a pernicious and evil activity encouraged by the very structure of Western Society while it is also criticised, hence very little effective measures existing to deal with it at any age.

Please get therapy if you can, it is a validation of your truth and can help you heal so that you can move on.

As Dawntigga says you need to let it go or they have succeeded in controlling the rest of your life too, the best way to defeat them is to defy them and place the blame on them. Even feel sad for them that they felt the need to do this to you - they are damaged too and it's possible they are also suffering in their lives due to their own actions. This does not EXCUSE them, but it re-inforces that you are in no way to "blame" for what they did.

There are no excuses, but there are reasons.

I truly hope you can find the peace we all deserve.

camdancer Sat 15-Jan-11 19:44:53

Oh, forgot to add that I did tell my parents and teachers about the bullying when I was about 11. My form teacher got the leader of the group in, with me in the room and told her to be nice to me. Yup, that did a lot. Can't imagine why I didn't bother telling them about anything else. hmm And when I was about 14, my Mum told me it wasn't worth me changing schools because it would all the same wherever I went. Way to blame me. I will never forgive her for that comment, as much as I love her.

So don't assume that telling anyone would have made a blind bit of difference.

Bobbiesmum Sat 15-Jan-11 19:46:08

Your post is heartbreaking and I am not sure if my story will help you or make things worse ( I hope not).
I think I am a kind, nice person. I work in a caring proffession and am told regularly by my patients how lovely I am. However, I (amongst others) bullied a girl at school by excluding her and she eventually moved schools.
I have no explanation for my behaviour except I was young and did not have the maturity to understand the consequences of my actions.
Now as an adult 20 years later there is not a day goes by I do not think about how my actions will have scarred that poor girl for the rest of her life and I am desperately sorry.

Bobbiesmum Sat 15-Jan-11 19:49:06

I guess what I am saying is bullies at school do not understand what they are doing and probably feel terrible now.
The girl we bullied probably couldn't give a shit about us now and i really hope so.
I hope you are able to get over this and I am so very sorry that you went through this. By the way you sound like a lovely likeable person who did not deserve anything you went through

emmanana Sat 15-Jan-11 19:49:55

SecretNutella, same here. Some of the teachers were almost on the point of goading. Admittedly they were the younger teaching staff, who obviously thought it the best way to bond with the other kids, by joining in.
OP, Yes it's still with me 25 years later, you are so not alone. You sound like you have a really loving OH. Take that by the horns and grasp it. Theres someone who thinks you are that BLOODY great, that they wanted to be with you forever. And you are BLOODY great. Don't look back; look around you. Your DH, DC, and your friends love YOU.
Please love yourself too. xxx

emmanana Sat 15-Jan-11 20:04:04

I was a classic target for bullies, being 7-8 lbs overweight. Looking back at school photos now I wasn't seriously overweight, but it's the age-old cycle. The school bully would pick up on that, chip away at my self confidence until my lack of sense was apparent to all. comfort eating. put on weight etc etc. 1st year of secondary school I weighed 9.5 - 10 stones, so not quite so fast at sports etc. There were some PE lessons, some of the teams were threatened by the teacher if they didn't pipe down, I would be put on their team. Nice.
I don't know what the answer is peeps, but nowadays I try and hold my head high. I try to be a good person, hopefully what has happened to me means I live my life in a more thoughtful way.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou Sat 15-Jan-11 20:20:02

I could've written the OP.

It's very, very hard to get over this. To this day I expect people to dislike me and cannot deal with large groups. I have zero confidence to the point I'm in a dead-end job despite having two degrees and a post-grad qualification - I don't have the confidence to go for better jobs.

I ended up drinking until I was hospitalised, starved myself to five stone and attempted suicide several times.

Why can't there be some kind of education at school about the consequences of this kind of behavior? I think that if even ten year olds had a vague idea of the amount of pain they were causing, this problem would be grately reduced.

I'll probably be flamed for this, but I do think that teenagers should face criminal charges for assualt etc. The trouble makers should be expelled and the parents of the bullies sent to parenting classes.

Ripeberry Sat 15-Jan-11 20:25:29

All kids do bad things to others and will continue to. Just stop feeling like a victim and just think that THEY had the problem NOT you!

Don't look back, if you do, they still have control over you.

katiestar Sat 15-Jan-11 20:27:06

Yes YABU.It ruined those school years but you are allowing it to ruin the rest of your life.

albertcamus Sat 15-Jan-11 20:29:42

Speaking as a secondary teacher I'm sad to say that bullying is dealt with very inconsistently, despite the increased access to support networks thanks to technology etc. Due to the toxic combination of unqualified TA/Cover Supervisor types being allowed pastoral responsibility, but not commanding the respect of the students, parents or other staff, increased aggression generally in society and the impossibility of the cyber-bullying dimension, far too many young people are suffering in silence. A Year 8 girl in my form has been bullied mercilessly to the point where her mother had to threaten to seek an alternative school - this went unaddressed for nearly two years until I made a big deal of it at a higher level than the dimwit who is the Head of Year, and even then it doesn't seem to be considered important in the grand scheme of things. Yet my school is the best of the seven in town in general at pastoral care, and we receive many casual admissions who have endured much worse elsewhere. Obviously bullying in all its forms is considered an unavoidable feature of a school community, despite all the protestations to the contrary ... also, it's frightening to learn about and witness the bullying which goes on among the adults in the teaching community; some staff at all levels think nothing of pulling rank and causing grief, quite gratuitously, to colleagues ...
sorry for the ramble, hope things improve for you.

moshchops Sat 15-Jan-11 20:38:48

Bumble, its heartbreaking isn't it. It has also ruined my life. I was cooking the tea tonight and it occured to me, that the only people that came to visit me last year were my parents. The bullying I endured has lingered to the point that I have problems connecting with others, and either I end up being aggresive in standing up for my self, (the lady in Morrison's who started unloading her trolley before I had finished) or, and actually what I am normally, do being so shy that I have trouble saying more than hello to people at work.

Ripeberry Sat 15-Jan-11 20:58:04

I was bullied all through my school years and it was made worse as I had to move a lot, even different countries so never was 'settled'
I had quite bad bullying in my first job, but they eventually got bored and got the next new person to join the firm.

I'm quite shy, but do feel very angry at times especially when anyone bullies my own kids. I fantasize about getting my own back, but all it does is give me a headache!
It's true life is too short, just try and limit contact with bullies and imagine them as inadequate people who can't feel happy without making someone else unhappy.

They are the saddos!R

Teaandcakeplease Sat 15-Jan-11 21:16:00

I relate to so much on here. I was bullied all the way through school and the teachers didn't take it seriously, neither did my mother, I think she thought I was overexagerating. I even tried starving myself thinking being extra skinny would make me more likeable and I had my ears pinned back at 11 as they used to stick out and I thought with my ears being fixed that the name calling would stop, but they just found something else.

I hated school and my childhood and have no friends from school still. I am a little anti-social and prefer my own company. Low self esteem, worry about what others think, find it hard in big groups unless I know everyone really well etc. When my H cheated on me and left me for a 21 yr old it reconfirmed all my worst fears on not being likeable all over again. It's horrid isn't it?

My eldest DD is only age 3 and I'm already fiercly protective and worried about whether she'll be bullied, as I'll do everything in my power to ensure she never suffers the same.

poshsinglemum Sat 15-Jan-11 22:10:40

As a teacher I can tell you that sadly many schools are in denial about a bullying problem as it will affect their reputation.

When I was teaching in my old school whilst pregnant I was cyber bullied by some students who posted violent comments about me and the unborn baby. We allfound out. The management tried to persuade me not to go to the police and wanted me to shut my mouth. i didn't and as I was leaving to have baby I was very vocal in my disgust.

I sometimes wonder if I am a target as I am quite sweet natured and not a natural bitc (although I can be if goaded). sadly I think that people who are nasty see this as a weakness. Luckily I am big enough to realise that the cyber bullies are pathetic individuals who deserve my pity. i have become cynical as i have grown older and becaus of my bullying I am now a misanthrope. i see the worst in human nature.

As a positive it has made me stronger. It's funny how it's so important to be popular at school. The so called ''popular'' people are often the most feared. Why? Because noone really LIKES them. They are FEARED as they are often bullies.

A book that helped me was Queen bees and wanabess. can't remember the author. I got it to help protect MY dd. My dad was a teacher at the school where I was bullied and he did try but I don't think he did enough to stop it.

It is an elite private school and the bullying was horrendous if your parents weren't earning 10 gazillion per year or famous.All the popular people wore designer clothes to school. It makes me feel blessed that I know that private education isn't necessarily better than state education. The staff did zilcho and often fuelled the bullying.Parents ahve a lot to answer for too.

poshsinglemum Sat 15-Jan-11 22:11:15


Karia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:11:23

BQ, I totally sympathise with you. I was bullied at middle school, and I was bullied at secondary school by my "friends". So I moved schools. Where it happened again. Again by my "friends". To the point where I was 16 I had a nervous breakdown, couldn't go back to school and got poor results in my GCSEs when I knew I could have done better, I just had so much to cope with.

I couldn't go to college or university because I was a nervous wreck. I had no self esteem, (have a bit now) I keep in touch with nobody from school, have only a very few close friends, and I find it very hard to believe that people genuinely like me. I disabled my Facebook profile because I was too scared to post anything on my wall or to people because I was scared of what they would think of me.

I too am anti-social and worry far too much about other people. I thought my DP was too good for me and he would see that I'm a horrible person too and leave me. Which has turned out to be absolutely not true

I really wish I could forget about it, but it even sticks in my dreams, I'm back at school, I stand up for myself against the girls, I punch them but my punches don't do anything, I scream at them but they don't listen to me.

Sad thing is I know I will never get over it, or be able to forget it. I've had counselling and it's still as raw as ever .

{{{massive hugs}}} to everyone in this thread who has been bullied

poshsinglemum Sat 15-Jan-11 22:12:54

I must clarify I did go to the police but I chose NOT to press charges. Ugggrr- people can be horrid.

Thankfully I LOVE my own company and can think of nothing worse than being ''popular''.

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