to be furious with my Mum?(16 Posts)
My sister and her husband are academics, no kids. They offered to babysit for us for our anniversary so we could go to London and stay in their flat for a night while they stayed in our house and looked after the 2 kids (4 and 2). After offering to look after then for two days, they revised this to 10am - 10am. As this would have meant getting up at about 7 to rush home, we (reluctantly) asked my Mum to take over for day 2 so we could go to an exhibition and make the most of the train fare.
Then, the day before we were due to go, my sister phoned to say that they had decided it would be easier to look after the kids at my Mum's house. They would sleep in her bed (my Mum's). We felt that the offer (which was supposed to be our Xmas present) had been chipped away at and my sister was now dumping the kids on my Mum. So we cancelled. We didn't go to London and my sister and her husband went back home.
My Mum said very forcefully a couple of days ago that I should apologise as my sister had made a kind offer and I had thrown it back in her face. She also said that they had 'taken time out of work', saying that her job isn't like mine which I can 'forget about at the end of the day' (I work two days a week as a teacher).
I am so hurt that my Mum took sides so forcefully without hearing both sides - there are always two sides to a story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. And what she said about my job compared to my sister's has really hurt me. I just want to cry whenever I think about it.
Am I overreacting?
Maybe - why did you cancel when you found out your kids would stay at your Mum's? I don't get that as you imply - but don't specify - whether your sister and her DH would be there too.
Presumably if that was yr Xmas present, your sister might be going thru financial problems you don't know about now - perhaps that's why your mum leapt to her defence.
OP it's really hard to say either way, I feel liek you might have more to say...
I agree with Betty that it sounds like there is more to this.
On what you have written so far, it does seem like a bit of an overreaction for you to cancel your trip, but YANBU to be hurt by your Mum apparantly taking sides.
My sister and her husband would have been there too and would have looked after the kids during the day - but my parents would have done the cooking and the 'night-shift' - the hard bit.
My Mum already looks after then for a day and a hlf a week while I am working and I am generally reluctant to ask her to look after them in the holidays as well because of what she already does for me.
I know that my sister doesn't have much money - that is why the present was time rather than bought something which is absolutely fine.
It's my Mum I'm really upset with rather than my sister as she took sides so strongly without hearing both sides.
I can see why you are upset.
what started as a 2 day trip with your sister spending time with your kids, ended up as the kids at your mums for the night. Its the sort of thing my sister would do, and my mum would be the same about it. And to make out that your job is somehow less important than your sisters isnt on, that would upset me too.
There are two sides with every story but the truth is where the truth is. Not somewhere in the middle. Looking after 2 under 5s is a big task if you are not used to it. Even though it sounds like your gift was chipped away at, your family still offered to give you time off and you turned it down. Don't confuse ironing out the details with a retraction.
Not sure about over reacting but you did start it.
I think your sister was unreasonable for originally offering to babysit for 48 hours then revising it to 24 after you had booked the hotel.
The last bit of her then choosing to stay at your mum's sounds irrelevent to your plans though and if it didn't adversely affect you or the kids you should have just let them get on with it. It isn't up to you to decide how much babysitting your mum does, she's an adult and can make these decisions herself.
You sound a bit martyrish with the holiday cancelling action.
but presumably your mum was happy to do this?
Tbh I'm not sure that there are two sides to this - your sister offered to have the kids, she decided, for whatever reason, to enlist your mum's help, and you threw it back in her face.
I can see why your sister is upset and I can see why your mum has taken her side.
YANBU. Why did your sister offer to babysit for a weekend and then keep moving the goalposts? You were trying to be considerate to your mother by cancelling. I think your sister is being all precious and whinging to your mother. She should think more carefully the next time she makes an offer. She might have meant it kindly but she obviously didn't think it through and then ended up messing everyone around and causing arguments.
All comments so far have been taken on board. Thank you
What reason did you sister give for reducing the time she could babysit? Why 10am - 10am specifically?
I don't think you should've cancelled, but your mum was also wrong to blame you before hearing your side.
I think YABU! Your sister travelled to babysit, and you cancelled when she was already there!
I think 10am - 10am sounds like absolute heaven!! My younger sister wouldn't even watch my kids whilst I went for a shower, let alone give up a full 24hrs! You're just being a brat TBH
Fair enough, but firstly, she didn't travel, she was staying nearby with my parents for Xmas. And secondly, this was our Xmas present and it would have been the first time she has ever babysat for us.
I can see why you're upset, but I think you might have reverted to your childhood 'She started it!' etc. I'm not criticising, I do it too. Peace comes with knowing that you are no longer a dependent child competing with your sibling for your mother's attention. Nor do you have to 'supervise' your sister to make sure it's 'fair'. You should have gone away for the weekend and let them get on with it. As it is, be the bigger person and apologise. Do not expect your mum or sister to 'get' it. They won't.
YANBU, but,,, I would apologise for over reacting, i wouldn't of cancelled if your mum hadn't complained about the change of place etc.
But your mum is bang out of order remarking about your job etc.
She needs to say sorry for that aswell.
Let her know how horrible and disrespectful that comment was to you.
There was no need for it at all.
It's terrifying looking after small kids when you haven't had any.
Maybe she told your mum privately that she was apprehensive and your mum offered to help. (I often have my mum plus a grandchild to stay with me to share the load!) Perhaps that's why your mum thought you had been ungrateful.
I think you were a bit daft and if you had let it go ahead at your mum's, it might have given your sister confidence to do it solo next time.
If I were you I would have an honest chat with your sister.
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