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AIBU?

...to feel angry at an ASP's Mum [sad]

95 replies

WelshSara · 14/01/2011 09:19

Can I just say before I start that I'm not argumentative, don't like public slanging matches and try my very best to be fair to all.

Daughters and I went to a mini fairground last week and whilst helping my little girls (5 and 2 and half) onto a ride - youngest was wedged between my knees and 5 yr old was next to me as I was fiddling with the door latch of a fire engine - when we were shoulder-charged out of the way by I'm guessing an 8 yr old boy (quite a strapping lad). My immediate reaction was that he was clumsily helping me open the door, but he opened the door, slapped my hand off the frame, jumped in and slammed the door shut.

I was not impressed! "That's not very nice, is it?" were my only words, and then his Mum behind me proceeded to unleash her anger for my discriminating against her son. "He has Asperger's, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, how dare you!". My kids at this point were really bewildered so I just replied, "Am not psychic - perhaps you should assist him more on these rides, instead of shouting anger from the sidelines when he pushes other kids out of the way!" or words to that effect, and walked away to a different ride. His Mum followed me, still ranting!

Anyway, am still shaking about it - am not confrontational at all, but I felt a bit bullied to be honest. Did I handle it badly? Should I have said nothing at all? I worked for many a year with older Autistic adults (not that I need to say this) so I like to think I'm fair with everyone.....

OP posts:

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TheLogLady · 14/01/2011 09:22

you were angry with a child's mum not 'an ASP's mum'.

my child may have Asperger's syndrome butshe is not 'An ASP'

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 09:22

This happened last week and you're still shaking?

No, I don't think you could have handled it differently and if it happened exactly the way you say it did, the mother needs to teach her child some manners.

HeadsUp · 14/01/2011 09:22

No you were right if he has aspergers then she should have been guiding him not shouting from sidelines, what ever "syndrom" he has still have to learn what is not accepteble, and if not capable than that he needs closer supervision, fair enough if he dashed off and she couldn't keep up or something but can't just let him shove people about.

mincenmash · 14/01/2011 09:24

I would have reacted the same way, thinking he was just being rude and boisterous, there was no way of you knowing that.But in the mothers defence she is probably fed up of similar remarks from other people and reacted in defense. Following you and ranting at you was a bit too much but I can understand why she would have reacted that way.

HeadsUp · 14/01/2011 09:24

Missed that bit, not so nice to call a child an Asp, and if it happened last week surely you are not still shaking aboutperhaps shaken by it though.

pagwatch · 14/01/2011 09:26

I don't quite understand why you are so over blowing this.
the child pushed you, you reacted, the mother was rude.
His aspergers has very little to do with anything. I suspect she would have been rude if he were a toddler, or a child with hearing problems, or a giraffe.

honestly , let it go. And you thread title is fucking awful

mincenmash · 14/01/2011 09:28

I hadn't noticed the thread title. It's quite offensive to call a child with aspergers an ASP. Maybe you should have worded it differently as that will lose you any support right away

ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 14/01/2011 09:28

I didn't knoiw what an 'asp' was until I opened your thread, so best get the title changed. YANBU for thinking the mother was out of line for just yelling from the sidelines instead of guiding her child.

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 09:28

Oh don't start me on Giraffes pushing people out of the way to get on rides pagwatch I'm so sick of it

WelshSara · 14/01/2011 09:48

Duly noted. Apologies for the title - am working on re-wording it but can't find any edit buttons. Sorry for any offense caused.
And yet, shaken at the time, not still shaking. I supposed I'm trying to put myself in her shoes too......

OP posts:

pagwatch · 14/01/2011 09:50

rude fuckers giraffes. And they can get on all the bloody rides.....
( height restriction joke)

Changechange123 · 14/01/2011 09:52

Get the fuck over it it was hardly a big deal. Still shaken...bloody hell

And the child is not an ASP.

WelshSara · 14/01/2011 09:54

Sorry - am used to wording titles on a different forum with very limited space - badly worded I admit.

OP posts:

curlymama · 14/01/2011 09:59

I can understand why you are still thinking about the incident. I had something simelar once and I did end up going over and over it in my head to try and work out what I should have done differently. But I think you handled it quite well, you made your point, and it sounds like the point needed to be made, then you left it. This woman was unreasonable, and she should have been supervising her child better. Whether he has AS or not, he still needs to learn right from wrong. Her job is to teach him that and give him extra support when he needs it, not act like the world owes her a favour just because her child has a fairly common condition.

WelshSara · 14/01/2011 10:00

Got to go to work - am not dodging any criticism here - I can see I've made a bit a botch job of the title - but the situation did shake me up a great deal (more so at the time obviously)but still upsets me now to be honest. To be followed around a kiddies fair by an irrate mother was not pleasant.

OP posts:

MyrrhyBS · 14/01/2011 10:09

If its any comfort (I am an Aspie and the mum of an Aspie), she was probably feeling/being very sensitive, as these things do happen on a regular basis. If I'm honest, I'd probably have said pretty much the same as she did, but it would have been in the heat of the moment, just as your comment was said in the heat of the moment.

As for those who think she should have taken control. You try being in our situation. Its tiring and goes on forever, we CANNOT be 100% top mum all of the time, everyone knows that, we can't always be on our top form and use everything as a lesson for our aspie children and to be there at a second's notice to tell them how to behave.

WelshSara, don't beat yourself up too much about it, I am heartened that you say what could you have done about it? And I'm not sure that you could, because you were protecting your child, just as she was protecting your child. Accept it happened, and move on, for your own sake really.

pagwatch · 14/01/2011 10:13

Welsh

The primary criticism is the thread title. Why don't you get it pulled. A child is a child. A child is not an asp.

Any alteration is upsetting but you seen too preoccupied that the mum was shouting about her son having aspergers. The aspergers has nothing to do with it. You didn't handle it badly , the mum just over reacted and was rude.You did nothing wrong

Let it go now.

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 10:16

All she said was "That's not very nice is it"...hardly a 'heat of the moment' comment.

The fact is, what the child did wasn't nice and having AS doesn't change that. The mother was totally unreasonable in my opinion and AS or not, the child can't go through life barging people out of the way whilst his Mum has a go at people who react.

BettyCash · 14/01/2011 10:17

The mum was probably just embarrassed - it doesn't sound very nice for anyone involved.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 14/01/2011 10:22

Badly worded OP, as you know.

I would have been pissed, she may be defensive but still!

I think I would of told her to fuck off tbh. Cow.

MrsNonSmoker · 14/01/2011 10:23

OP are you upset because she made you feel you'd done something wrong? You did the right thing - otherwise are we all going to give up on any manners for any child regardless of having any condition? I know 3 families with boys who have aspergers - two use it as an excuse for everything and their boys run riot. As they would if they didn't have aspergers. The other mum works incredibly hard to help her son understand things like waiting in line etc.

I think those who are saying she was just that sort of mother anyway are right. Try to put it out of your mind, you were not being unreasonable. And clearly you were not trying to cause offence with your title.

There seem to various threads today wherein anyone daring to question aspergers in any way is being flamed. Why can't we have this discussion?

GypsyMoth · 14/01/2011 10:25

Why is asp not acceptable but aspie is??

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theevildead2 · 14/01/2011 10:26

Have you seen the weatherspoons thread? Similar but from the other side. Some parent's think they can expect everyone else to "look out" for their child but not say anything to their child.

curlymama · 14/01/2011 10:27

Myrrhy, I am one of the ones that said the other Mother should be in control, and I am also Mum to a child with AS.

I know it's tiring and we can't be expected to be 100% perfect all the time, but surely you would supervise your child as much as possible when you are out at a fairground and then get a much needed break when you get home. We don't have the right to follow other Mums around shouting at them because our child has done something wrong.

I disagree that the other Mother was protecting her child, although she may think she was. Actually proctecting her child would involve her being there with him to teach him, or after the incident had occured she would have been better off explaining what he had done wrong and teaching him what to do in the same situation next time. Then he would be less likely to need her form of agressive protection, and he might learn that he still has to be responsible for himself rather than learning that he can do what he wants and if someone doesn't like it his Mum will shout at them.

pagwatch · 14/01/2011 10:28

If the op had written
AIBU to feel angry at the mother of a boy who had/was asp , I wouldn't have been so annoyed.

But people may chose to call themselves an aspie, or may call their loved ones. It is a term of affection. To use "an asps mum" makes the child sound like a less than human thing . I would write a dogs owner. I wouldn't write 'an aspies mum'

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