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to hate my mother trying to contol my life and making me feel like a silly teenager

(10 Posts)
Bumblequeen Thu 13-Jan-11 11:22:01

I am in my thirties, married and fully independent yet when mum visits she has this ability to make me feel like a nervous teenager.

Whatever I do has to be commented on.

Below are just some of her comments:

"You give her too many sweets"
"It is too late to feed her now, just give her milk"
"You spend too much time doing housework and need to spend more time with your daughter. When you were younger I focused on you and left the housework."
"You need to give her x amount of veg a day"
"You give her too much bread and will encourage her to be big when she grows older"
"Are you on PC again? Who are you emailing? Why do you always have to be on the PC?"

I know she loves my child but it is too much. When she visits I feel she becomes the woman of my house and I become the child. It is as if she will not accept I am an,adult and able to make my own decisions.

She even comments on the time I choose to go to bed on the nights she stays with us!

I then rebel to show she cannot control me which she did as a teenager. I used to fear my mum and her ideas were my ideas as she brainwashed me to believe all men were rubbish (single parent), it was unreasonable for me to be intereated in boys at 16/17 (used to sneak and see boys but felt guilty/dirty about sex itself), that my friends did not truly like me and these things have affected me to this present day.

If I state my annoyance, dh says I should humour her. I feel I have to 'lose myself' in order to accomodate my mum as though she cannot bring herself to see me as responsible, hardworking, wife, mother, home owner.

I am in despair.

MatureUniStudent Thu 13-Jan-11 11:25:07

Sometimes you have to accept that you will not get what you need from your mum. And to make a stand to be the mature, calm woman you are. I don't think you should humour her and if there is a big bust up, where you lay your cards on the table, so be it. Make your boundaries clear and don't revert to the role she would have you in! The sulky teen. I'm in my 40's and have finally done this, and life is better for it. Also, don't have her over to visit if it stresses you.

pickgo Thu 13-Jan-11 11:34:25

Don't be in despair. Loads of Mum's are like this but you just need to make the transition to having a more adult to adult relationship.
Next time she says something that is interfering not her place, stay CALM and just say that you appreciate her concern but when you would like her advice you'll ask for it.
Doesn't have to be a big bust up if you refuse to get drawn into an argument. Just state your case - she'll probably want the last word but I bet she hesitates before expressing any more criticism pearls of wisdom. Might take her few visits though before she gets the hang of your new relationship fully. Good luck.

Bumblequeen Thu 13-Jan-11 11:43:18

She babysits for us which we appreciate but at such a high cost! As she does not drive she stays the night or two!

I agree that I should stand my ground and not revert back to being an awkward teenager. I used to envy friends who were regarded as responsible adults by their mothers. The way their mothers communicated with them was so different as though they accepted them for who they were. My mother used to make it clear to friends/family (in my presence) that I was not to get pregnant young/not to leave college and work (Uni was the only option).

I try to set boundaries and she breaks them down. I naively thought mum would regard me as adult once I had my family. How wrong I was!

I am tired of fighting her all the time. Tired of proving I have what it takes to be wife/mother/home owner. If I back down as dh says, I feel she has the upperhand over me.

ILovedYou Thu 13-Jan-11 12:53:40

Arwe we sister's OP? LOL

ILovedYou Thu 13-Jan-11 12:54:04

Are we Sisiter's OP? grin

pickgo Thu 13-Jan-11 13:46:56

Well you ARE an adult in your own home and if you want to you can ask her to leave.
If you've had enough for now and are feeling really tired of her then why not have a mum holiday?
Find yourself a babysitter (card in shop window, nice uni student?)
But even so, you need not feel especially beholden because she babysits now and again - it's not a really big deal is it? Most grandmas would do it. It certainly doesn't entitle her to make your life a misery.
I'm sorry but if you want things to change YOU have got to change how you interact with her.
Pre-warn DH then tackle it. Stay calm but don't back down just keep picking her up on giving unwanted advice and clearly state that now you are an adult, parent and homeowner you have your own way of doing things.
You could ask her if she had an interfering DM/MIL when you were little? Might get her thinking?
<mischievous snigger>

LeQueen Thu 13-Jan-11 14:43:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humanheart Thu 13-Jan-11 15:13:53

I wonder if a big bust-up is in order here tbh. all this calm stuff, when she has obviously got under your skin from a young age, and made you feel you were being brainwashed - too much to expect you to be calm.

you sound frightened of her. maybe a big bust-up will blow that out of the water. my 'big' sister is exactly like this (seems to think I'm still 6 <rollseyes>) and no amount of 'do you mind! I'm an adult!' has made any difference. I have tackled her with a few choice comments - she went NUTS - but at least the power base was changing. I have not had a big bust-up with my sister, but I think you need one with your mother. she may refuse to babysit again, but tbh is that such a loss? I know you may need her babysitting but plenty of people have no-one and have to find a solution somehow. if you have to pay for one then so be it: it is worth it.

good luck hun

AMumInScotland Thu 13-Jan-11 15:17:54

Explain to DH that "humouring her" makes you feel small and overpowered, and you don't want to be made to feel like that in your own home. It's easy to "humour" people when what they say doesn't hurt you!

Then do your best to stay calm and "grown-up" but say something like "Thanks, but I'm going to do it my way", "Thanks but I'm able to decide that for myself" or other phrases. Polite but clear - you are an adult, this is your house and your child.

You have to decide where the boundary is, and not let her over-ride you. If you say something, stick to it and don't then back down because its easier. It's a bit like training a toddler - sometimes you just have to be firm and consistent, long after you want to scream "Oh just do it your way then".

You can't force her to think of you as an adult, but you can make it clear to her that you're going to behave like one and make your own choices in life.

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