To think if most people waited until they were earning enough to not be entitled for any government benefits before they had children there'd be hardly any kids in the UK?

[LaWeaselMys]

MIL had an argument with DP last night as she does not want us to have any more children until we are not eligible for any government help and are 'paying for them ourselves' To not AIBU by stealth - After a choppy period we are earning and from next tax year will be entitled to very little bar CB and a small amount of TC.

Tax credits is a bit more complicated to work out, but to not be eligible for Child Benefit you (or your partner if there's two of you) would need to be earning more than £44k pa. That's twice the national average wage!

AIBU to think that by the time most women and/or their partner earn more than 44k - if it ever happens, they would be infertile?

[ScotlandR]

You're right, your MIL is BU

She probably reads the Daily Mail and as a bit hazy on the difference between having six kids when unemployed and reaping the benefits and being a normal family who have to make ends meet.

Also, I would carefully remind her that she has no role in your sexual and reproductive lives. Make sure you phrase it like that, there's nothing MILs like better than realising that they are actually discussing their childs sex life when they are putting forward these hypothetical opinions.

[LaWeaselMys]

I'm glad I wasn't there TBH, I would have got very cross. DP just told me about it when he got back.

But I will recommend that line!!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't know how old you are, OP, but it was always the thing being a teen in the 80s that you would sort out your job and home and any travelling you wanted to do before having children. I think it still makes sense but each to their own.

To me there's a world of different between getting child benefit and TC to having your life completely funded by the State. Some people don't make the distinction and set out to be totally funded, bringing more and more children into the world without work ethos or any motivation to get an education or skills.

[Bogeyface]

How old is your MIL? did she not claim her CB (or family allowance as it used to be called)?

Tell her to mind her own damn business and to stop reading the Daily Hate Mail

[RobF]

I think it sounds like a good idea.

[expatinscotland]

If your MIL were my mother she a) wouldn't know anything about my finances because it's none of her business b) been told where to stick it if she told me something like that.

[curlymama]

If she is talking about Child Benefit, she is being unreasonable, as that has until very recently been a universal benefit. and if you are only claiming a small amount of tax credits, then she is possibly being a little unreasonable, but I can see where she is coming from.

Otherwise, she has got a point.

I take it she will be donating her winter fuel payments, and all that stuff that old people get universally, to charity then?

[expatinscotland]

I'd have told her I'd be happy stop paying for her pension and Winter Fuel Allowance and use the money to afford another child then.

[mutznutz]

I was just about to say that expat...none of our family know our financial business.

[LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake]

I agree with the OP and did exactly what her mother said - I waited til we could afford it and then I was too old/infertile.

I did the right thing for me, I didn't want to bring children up in poverty. Perhaps I didn't want it enough.

Other people should do the right thing for them.

[LaWeaselMys]

MIL is nearly 50 I think.

We are young (23), and life plan was to buy house get married etc before having babies, but it didn't turn out that way. (we already have DD) But apart from a few months of unexpectedly both being unemployed, I don't think we have been grabby with government money, there were times we could have claimed extra but didn't because we were managing okay, so I understand very much the want to be totally independent when you have children.

I just can't imagine that being a 'rule'. I have done lots of low paid jobs when I was younger, and I could never imagine telling the older women I worked along side who worked very hard on low wages in jobs that need doing that they shouldn't have their kids because of that?

[Hammy02]

I had no idea that so many people relied on some form of benefit (other than CB) to bring up their children until this spending cuts highlighted it. Growing up in the 70's/80's, we had my dad's wage (approx national average, child benefit and that was it. I didn't realise things had changed so much.

[Quenelle]

We waited until we could afford it, by which time I was 39.

Also agree with expat though, what is the MIL doing knowing all your financial business anyway?

[expatinscotland]

Tell her to go get knotted.

And tell your partner to stop sharing his financial business with her. It's none of her damn business and if she asks she needs to be told that.

[LaWeaselMys]

I agree that it is because of house prices.

Average house price is 8 times average wage! So as well as needing to earn a decent wage the deposit you have to save up is huge (around 20k) while paying high rents with little disposable income... as there are very few small deposit mortgages around atm.

I sometimes feel like writing this on the side of a bus and driving it around to everyone that asks me why we are renting when we have DC.

[LaWeaselMys]

She knows about his pay because he is crap at making decisions and phoned about eight different people asking for advice when he had a choice between which job to take!

I think he has learnt his lesson about over-sharing too. He was extremely cross about being told what to do too!

[expatinscotland]

'I sometimes feel like writing this on the side of a bus and driving it around to everyone that asks me why we are renting when we have DC.'

Whom are you associating with that they are so involved in your personal life? Become more assertive and learn to tell people who ask personal questions that are none of their business that you prefer to keep some aspects of your life private.

And stop volunteering private information about your life to people so you won't have to deal with their petty judgements.

[GooseFatRoasties]

YANBU Beat her up with her own copy of The Daily Mail.

[usualsuspect]

In the 70s and 80s tax credits did exist it, was called family income supplement ...nobody seemed to think it was a bad idea then ...but there wasn't so much anti benefit propaganda about at that time

[SMummyS]

I'd love to know what 'benefits' I could get?? Maybe you should send her to me, that would flip her out lol we're currently living off £240 a week including tax credits!!

[LaWeaselMys]

I know expat, I've been told.

It is one of those things that comes up sometimes, like when people ask if you are going to do x,y,z to your house. But I will learn to just say NO. And not give the reason!

And mine and his familys. Who are very 80s and into money being really important. I think they despair on a daily basis. My mother cried when I said DD wasn't going to private school.

[SMummyS]

Was meant to say.. I've just found out I'm pregnant, definately not planned! DPs out of work, so we're really stuck!

I'd say ignore her and do what's right for your family :)

[create]

Surely your MIL must have been entitled to benefit throughout her family's childhoods, as Child Benefit was aavailable to all?

However, when most people talk about "benefits" they don't mean child benefit (or winter fuel allowance) and other benefits that are universal. If she means "extra" money from the state then I agree with her.

It is fantasic that we have a welfare system that protects people who fall on hard times, but to deliberately have children you can't support? I don't get that at all. sorry.

Riven, do you think one of the differences is what people think they "need"? When we were first married, we had enough to pay our bills and claimed no benefits, but we ran one old car, had no TV or proper cooker for the first year and no holiday or social life for several years. It seems to me that if many people who say they cant afford a family were prepared to live like that, then they could afford one.