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AIBU to feel sadder and sadder everyday about the state of my life?

(4 Posts)
OiWithThePoodles Wed 12-Jan-11 12:25:46

DP is self employed, earns very little money (less than 10,000 last year) He is also very lax with his accounts so we are never really sure what is going on. We have a 11mo dd who was unplanned. I can see looking back that i was quite naive when i was pregnant as i expected him to shape up and get a better job when dd was born. For his work we need to live in an expensive city. My maternity leave has just finished so i have no money coming in. The nature of his work means he is away quite alot so i can't really get a job.

We don't have a good realtionship, he is quite self involved and has a tendancy to be very grumpy. When i try to talk to him about our relationship or his career he just clams up, just stares into space and says nothing. I find this very frustrating and hard to deal with. I feel very unloved and unhappy. I feel like every day i get a bit more down and unenthusiastic about life.

He seems to have a sense of entitlement that means he can persue the career he does, even though it is never going to make him much money. He comes from a well off family and doesn't seem to see the value of money. He won't help me come up with any kind of joint finances plan, so basically my bank acccount is getting smaller and smaller while his stays the same.

He loves DD to bits but i can't see how we can carry on like this living in an expensive place with so little money coming in. I want to get a better education so i can get a better paid job in a few years time. ATM that would to be impossible.

AIBU to want him to see that we cant carry on like this? Something has to give, every day i just feel more and more desperate to get out, take dd with me and make a life for us that isn't filled with worry and arguments. I still want DP to be a part of DD's life but realistically i thnk i would have to move back to my hometown which would mean that he would probablly see her a few times a month (for a 3-4 days at a time).

I don't want to split up our family but i don't know what else to do.

DevonCraig2010 Wed 12-Jan-11 12:31:26

you know your situation feels like a later version of whats happening in my life. i'm 18 weeks pregnant, the baby was unexpected. however i'm unemployed and have to wait 2 and a half months before i can claim income support as i'm still in college finishing of my course. my boyfriend just seems to be in his own world. the money his earns is no way suitable to bring up a baby with and if i mention how he should ask for more hours or a better job he complains that im telling him what to do all the time. can't help to worry about our future and the baby's more importantly.
we split up a couple of days ago, despite how much i love him i couldn't handle his selfishness any longer. me having to stop university next september because i'm having a baby. i'm watching my body change and i'm stuck inside the house as i have no money. he just goes out with his mates and wastes his money on all sorts of stuff, it made me depressed.
i know how your feeling, so if you need a chat i'm always here.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 12-Jan-11 12:33:29

He's got to man up. My instinctive reaction is that you might be doing the right thing to move back to your home town for a bit. If he's really committed to you and DD, he'll pull his finger out and start doing things properly.

It sounds as though he's grown up with the expectation that money will just happen, and that in the worst case his family will always bail him out. But that usually (as it should) stops happening when people grow up, and by the sound of it he just hasn't realised that yet.

Is he a fairly young dad? Men often don't really get the 'being responsible for others as well as yourself' thing until well into their thirties. I think this is especially the case if they've had an easy time of growing up.

Sometimes people just need a really good hard kick up the bum. IMO you just have to work out the best way of doing that.

Poor you, it sounds awful. I hope you manage to work it out smile

OiWithThePoodles Wed 12-Jan-11 12:38:57

He is mid tewnties manatee, he does say he doesn't feel like a grown up yet. Makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall TBH.

I think me moving away could go either way, he could realise that he needs to shape up and start making a real effort or he might just get even lazier. He is the kind of person who can get very depressed and just sit around thinking about how he has ruined his life but not actually get out there and fix it.

I worry he would just do the latter sad

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