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AIBU?

I smacked my son today.

78 replies

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:41

I am not a big believer in corporal punishment at all, but I did smack him. He's ten.

He has a very good friend, who he stays with, (parents also friends of ours, and we like them very much), who are a bit more liberal than us about their kids' viewing habits, and I know they are letting them watch "The Inbetweeners" - I don't really mind that tbh - they are great people and have great kids. But I think this programme is a bit much for 10/11 year olds myself.

Anyway - I had a bit of an argument with my son today, as he wanted to go to the shop in the village - usually fine - but it was dark, he didn't want to go by himself in the dark, and I couldn't be arsed to take him myself to go and buy sweets. And my son called me a "fcking cu*t".

And I really got cross and in the end I smacked his leg.

I feel really bad about this now, although my son was fine (obviously I didn't actually do him an injury), but I shouldn't have hit him.

OP posts:

Report

Clunge · 11/01/2011 00:46

You smacked his leg? If my daughter called me a fucking cunt I'd have smacked her mouth. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you were very restrained!

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 00:47

No, you shouldn't. But don't stress. You have said he has no injury and you realise you probably acted out of sheer shock and anger at the time and that you were wrong to do this. Obviously this isn't something you would ever normally do.

Nobodys perfect. Have a cuppa and be extra nice to him tomorrow, just remember how you feel now when he does something like this again and you'll not smack him again I bet.

I love inbetweeners- certainly not viewing for a 10 yr old though!

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:48

He said afterwards he didn't know what it meant - but he DEFINITELY knew it was swearing and VERY rude.

Still awake cos I smacked his leg and made him cry.

OP posts:

borderslass · 11/01/2011 00:49

I'm sorry but if mine had called me that they would have had mouth washed out with soap DD2 did it once and learned.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:50

I once told my mother to fuck off.. I was about 13 at the time..

My head spun round so fast I looked like the girl on the exorcist.

I never swore at her again.

A smack on the leg is the least of what mine would get if they ever said that to me.

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:51

I'm still awake - not him!

OP posts:

CalamityKate · 11/01/2011 00:51

No you shouldn't have smacked him but by God - if ever there was provocation being called a fucking cunt is it!!

Catnao · 11/01/2011 00:52

Thanks for replies - I was sitting here feeling dreadful cos I whacked him one!

OP posts:

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 11/01/2011 00:55

i think you did very well to only smack his leg.

try and get some sleep. talk to him tomorrow about how out of line he was and apologise for lashing out at him.

PandaEis · 11/01/2011 00:58

i think you may have been rather restrained given the circumstances

i once told my mum i hated her and she slapped me across the face so i can only imagine if i called her a fucking cunt, what she would have done...i have never before and never since seen her so angry! (my dad was the quick to smack angry one so it was a shock from my mum!)

Catnao · 11/01/2011 01:00

Thanks - it was just such a shock when he said it! He has sworn before, like "bloody Hell!" or "shit!" and tbh he probably got that from me or my partner, but he has always been pulled up on it, and he KNOWS swearing is not appropriate - but I just lost it this evening with what he said...it was just so vitriolic and horrible words, and directed at a person (me, in this case!).

OP posts:

mutznutz · 11/01/2011 01:03

I'm not sure at that age it's necessarily because of a TV programme.

Interesting though that you might have had a few different replies if you'd started by saying "I'm a Dad and I smacked my son"

Still there's always tomorrow....

Catnao · 11/01/2011 01:06

Oh God! Now I feel worse! I DID smack him, on the leg, and I feel dreadful!

But honestly - I don't know where else he got that particular language from?

How do I make it right then?

OP posts:

Dansmommy · 11/01/2011 01:07

I agree with those who say they'd have done worse. I know smacking is out of fashion, and I don't use it liberally at all, but if I'd have said something like that my mother I'd have had my face slapped, and rightly so.

Catnao · 11/01/2011 01:08

My partner (his dad) smacked him once when he was about to run into the road, and he felt awful too.
But that was because of danger - mine was shock and anger, so probably worse.

OP posts:

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 11/01/2011 01:10

how do we know OP isn't a dad?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 11/01/2011 01:10

oops, Xpost!

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 01:12

Your son will not be damaged for life because you smacked his leg.

If he goes around using that language and getting away with it, chances are he will get more than a slapped leg.

At ten he is more than capable of knowing what is and what isnt acceptable language to use to a parent.

He is at the age where no doubt all his peers are testing the limits and thinking it makes them look clever and older if they swear.

You really have no need to berate yourself at all.

Catnao · 11/01/2011 01:13

OP isn't a dad - but his dad is a bit more draconian than me, and was very pro the smacking - he is not at all into hitting kids,but felt that on this occasion I was justified; when he got home from work - but did say "did you try time out and talking to him?". Answer, regrettably, no! I just reacted!

OP posts:

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 11/01/2011 01:31

I'm in the 'i'd have smacked his face' team! I don't care what anyone says, smacking has a place. Ive rarely smacked my kids, only in times of danger, or extreme circumstances, but when I deem it necessary, I do it.
My dd was caught a while back, swearing and recording herself and her friend. She got a smack on the leg and I attempted to wash her mouth out with soap. She hasn't done it since. Don't beat yourself up about it. He will be fine.

blackeyedsusan · 11/01/2011 01:33

well, I don't suppose he will do it again in a hurry.

smacking, not ideal but on the leg and not leaving amark is not going to do him much damage.

I would be more worried about it providing a precedent for your dh smacking, but only if he is not in control which you say he isn't.

It is really upsetting to do something you feel strongly about. As you feel strongly, i would talk to ds tomorrow about his language and lay down some other consequence for repeated behaviour, then you will have a back up plan in place.

Now go to bed and think of something else1

WingDad · 11/01/2011 01:35

My wife hit DS1 on the calf when he was 11 because he punched her in the mouth when he was angry. She felt bad after and admitted she acted out of shock. I daren't lay a finger on any of my kids because I'm scared shitless I'd seriously hurt them accidentally.

Look, you acted out of shock. Sure it wasn't the best approach to things, but we all act badly on instinct sometimes. Now he's received a harsh punishment, he probably won't be repeating this behaviour again. As long as he's not badly hurt (which I doubt), I can guarantee it'll be forgotten within a week.

Don't worry about it :)

RiceBurner · 11/01/2011 02:05

We slapped our kids (on legs/bottoms) when they were little. Maybe 3-4 times each in total between us. (Me and DH both ... same approach.) So not that often, but it was useful sometimes. Always the ultimate sanction for bad/dangerous behaviour.

In our defence, we lived in various countries where smacking was allowed/encouraged ... & is probably still allowed/encouraged 2day!

Plus our parents smacked us when necessary when we were youngsters ... in fact everyone's parents did it! And the teachers smacked the naughty kids at school! So it seemed completely 'normal' to us ... & we didnt think we suffered unduly.

We also had 3 DCs very close in age and sometimes it was really hard to control them when they were fighting, doing dangerous stuff!

I do now sort of regret it ... as society has made us feel so guilty. Once I slapped DS1's leg out of anger/frustration ... which I know was wrong of me. But, the other times, as long as we didnt maim the kids, or terrify them, what was so wrong?

OK, now it's called "assault" but all u want is for ur DCs to grow u ... hopefully into nice/respectful people? But is the opposite of "assault" perhaps not caring enough? Not being in control at all?

I know nowadays u have to be firm/rational without resorting to a smack. We just have to explain what they did wrong & the consequences. But 20 yrs ago, we hadnt been told all this and smacking was for when u didnt have time for all that nice talking stuff.

So I reckon that we/u r very much at the OK end of parenting. And without the benefit of supernanny with us at all times, we all get stressed/make small mistakes every day.

What u did to DS was really no big deal ... except to u/him. You wanted him to feel your shock at his behaviour & you were a bit taken by surprise/off balance. That's all.

If u want, u can try to talk about it to ur DS 2moro and say sorry if he's also sorry for calling u a bad name?

FYI, I said a sort of general "sorry" to my 3 (all adult now) kids .... sorry for smacking them a few times when they say between 2 & 7 yrs old. They all happily accepted my apology ... but they didnt care/remember much and thought it was fair enough that they got a few smacks ... some rough justice on occasion/the wrong perpetrator identified etc, but they accepted it as normal family discipline overall ... they deserved it ... & it was better than mental torture? Quick smack .... & it's done/over?

They have much more issue over other childhood 'stuff', eg why we never had a dog etc!

Anyay, if u still feel bad, just tell ur DS u love him and u didnt want to harm him with the smacking ... u just wanted to shake him a bit into seeing how shocked u were at his reaction?

U're a good mum! Hope u sleep well!

TyraG · 11/01/2011 07:02

I think your reaction (considering what he said) was very reasonable. I'm in the I'd have smacked his face camp.

Our kids do occasionally get spanked, but only after redirecting, time out, removing toys/TV, etc., and generally only when they've done something really bad. The last two smacks were for DS taking the cord from the night light (flashlight), swinging it around like a lasso and whacking DD in the eye with the massive plug and DD's revenge later on of chucking the flashlight at his head.

cantspel · 11/01/2011 08:20

I cant believe anyone would think it is ok to smack a child in the face. A slap on the bum or legs i am fine with but never anywhere near the head area.

If it was a different thread with a wife coming on saying her husband had smacked her child in the face the answers would be a lot differnet with posts of bully and leave him.

Maybe if he had had the odd smack on the bum/legs before he reached 10 he wouldn't need a smack now.
I smacked when mine were little, taps on the hand, bum or back of legs but by the time they were 6/7 there was no need.

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