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to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

(290 Posts)
HarryDan Mon 10-Jan-11 22:25:07

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

classydiva Mon 10-Jan-11 22:28:40

Whilst you did not agree with him you should not have undermined him in front of your children.

YOu even apologised for him to your daughter.

That may now result in her playing you off against each other.

She deserved to be told off, she played with her food then wasted it.

I'd have put her to bed with nothing else to eat myself and a telling off.

celebmum Mon 10-Jan-11 22:30:38

I would have done the same thing that you did. Its not right for a grown man to act in this way, it is both bullying and childish!!

Had you not interviend what would he have done??

Curiousmama Mon 10-Jan-11 22:31:20

Tricky one as I'm not one to advocate screaming. He could've handled it better tbh. But then again sounds like you both have very different parenting styles. Think you could both do with parenting classes tbh.

celebmum Mon 10-Jan-11 22:31:55

let me add that whilst i agree your DD should be taught not to behave this way, and perhaps maybe being told off a little, screaming at her certainly is not acceptable!

MsKLo Mon 10-Jan-11 22:32:06

He was wrong to scream at her and wrong to tell you to fuck off - especially in front of her so you did the right thing as he was obviously very mad and unable to do the right thing

I hope you resolve this, maybe you need to get her on time out if she doesnt listen - move her to the naughty step/corner etc
What was wrong was that she was allowed to continue her bad behaviour? He is only human and got het up but he was wrong and you need to give her a warning and then remove her from the situation to time out?

charliesmommy Mon 10-Jan-11 22:32:45

Hmmmm... now she will turn round to him any time he raises his voice and says "mummy says you cant shout at me"...

Not the wisest thing to have said to her.

Unrulysun Mon 10-Jan-11 22:32:49

Of course you did the right thing - he'd lost it, you removed her from a frightening situation. It's right for parents to present a united front but not at the expense of your child.

classydiva Mon 10-Jan-11 22:32:57

Sorry agree that screaming at a child is wrong!

Loshad Mon 10-Jan-11 22:33:06

no you really shouldn't have done so. You are letting yourself in for all sorts of problems if she realises she can play one of you off against the other.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 10-Jan-11 22:33:30

You undermined him from the beginning. If you had supported him from the start instead of telling him to leave it then the situation might not have escalated. It's no wonder your DD takes no notice of him and he loses control.

bumpybecky Mon 10-Jan-11 22:34:09

I think you did the right thing. No one deserves to be screamed at like that, especially not for something as trivial as food

yes it might cause issues with her playing you off against each other, I think I'd have been willing to risk it and would also have removed her

he undermined your wishes though by not dropping it when you asked him to

I think when he comes back he needs to apologise to her for shouting and losing his temper. She needs to apologise to him for messing about and for throwing the food away.

Booandpops Mon 10-Jan-11 22:34:26

Poor you. My dh did this at Xmas shouting at our 3 yo totally over the top. I tried to comfort child and he was a pig to me too. I didn't speak to him properly for days as he made it up with the kids but didn't acknowlege he had upset me. I think your right to step in if you feel the behaviour is bullying and over the top How would he feel if your dd treated her friends that way or it was her husband in years to come behaving like that. I wish I had a video recorder when my dh goes off on one. Make him see what a horrible prick he can be! I hope you get it sorted and Yr dd is ok

scouserabroad Mon 10-Jan-11 22:35:03

YANBU for removing her, but YABU for undermining your Dh. It's a difficult one but maybe you could have backed your Dh up calmly, then if she didn't do as she was told you could have removed her from the table?

That isn't a solution long term, you need to talk to your Dh about the whole issue of shouting / losing his temper with the DC.

FWIW I agree with you that shouting at a child to the point of scaring them isn't a good idea, especially over something relatively trivial. Obv sometimes they do drive you crazy and you end up shouting even if it's something you try to avoid!

I am slightly shock at your Dh telling you to fuck off, does he often talk to you like this? My Dh also speaks to me like this & it's a major issue for me.

HarryDan Mon 10-Jan-11 22:36:19

ClassyDiva, I didn't apologise to her, but I made it clear to her that no-one should scream at her like that. I (over?) worry about her model of relationships, and don't want her to think that its OK for people/men to treat her that why.

Tell her off - fine. Shout - fair enough. Scream & loose your temper - going too far (IMO)

Celeb mum, he has threatened to smack her before but never has. We disagree on that issue tbh, I don;t think it should be necessary but he think its OK in some circumstances.

I am not perfect, I have lost my temper before, but will always explain that although their behaviour was wrong, I should have reacted differently.

MarionCole Mon 10-Jan-11 22:36:23

I would have taken her upstairs but I would have done it without making any comment on what was going on, either to her or to DH, so as not to undermine him. I would then have spoken to him alone about his behaviour. Easy to say from here though.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Jan-11 22:36:44

I think the problem here is that you walked away, making no attempt to deal with your dd's behaviour. I am in no way condoning his behaviour, but that would have wound me up no end.

Parenting is a joint process. Why did you not intervene when your dd was misbehaving?

I agree that parenting classes for both of you would be a good plan.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 10-Jan-11 22:37:24

Your mistake was to leave the table in the first instance when he was dealing with her first behaviour. I don't understand why you weren't presenting a united front at that stage?

I expect that she will continue to be 'provocative and challenging' if it reaps these kind of rewards.

Ingles2 Mon 10-Jan-11 22:37:51

I'm with Breastmilk... You have created this scenario imo by obviously undermining him in front of the dc from the outset.
I don't agree or condone him screaming in anyway but I also think your dd's behaviour is shocking.
I suggest you get some parenting classes

reelingintheyears Mon 10-Jan-11 22:38:31

'If you had not intervened what would he have done.'

Kill her.?

Unlikely.

Send her to bed/out is more likely.

You told your DD in front of her Dad that he is a bully.
Good luck in future.

Ingles2 Mon 10-Jan-11 22:39:32

exactly frogs...
weird that you should leave the table and I imagine it encouraged your dd to behave badly

Stase Mon 10-Jan-11 22:39:51

Probably tactically better to have let DH feel the full guilt of his actions, rather than give him reason to feel hard done by. But obviously, if you felt you needed to remove your daughter because she was genuinely frightened, or even at risk somehow, then you probably did the right thing.

mutznutz Mon 10-Jan-11 22:39:56

I have lost my temper before, but will always explain that although their behaviour was wrong, I should have reacted differently

Then perhaps you should have afforded him the courtesy of letting him do the same when he calmed down instead of undermining him by apologising for him.

'Provocative' 'Challenging' 'Deliberately willfull'...it is ok to use the term down right naughty you know...which is clearly what she was being.

He shouldn't have lost his temper to that degree....but you should have let him do the talking about that afterwards in my opinion.

HarryDan Mon 10-Jan-11 22:41:04

Charliesmommy, I don't think she would do that, she is not that disrespectful, and I made it clear that the way he was shouting was not ok, if that makes sense.

The thing is, she got a warning & misbehaved, and continued, so I get why he lost it. But I couldn't let him scream at her like that.

Really would like to be united ad resolve this issue.

Scouser, very rarely..but yeah it happens. Obviously I'm not thrilled about that aspect either, and feeling v. pissed off with him right now, but would like to (try &) be a grow up about it, if at all poss.

classydiva Mon 10-Jan-11 22:41:04

Harry I agree completely that smacking is a no no, have seen some great steps on here on how to deal with naughty children. Wish this site had been here when I had mine 22 and 17 years ago!

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