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to not want dh to go abroad again

(17 Posts)
NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 20:05:44

This is the second year in a row he's been asked my his mother to accompany her to India to sort out house/land/money that she has. He has siblings, but he's the eldest son, so is expected to go. It's also the 10th anniversary of his dad's death which is another reason for the trip. She has asked that we all go, but I'm not keen on taking our young dc to India, due to health reasons.

He knows the trip will eat into his annual leave (he gets 6 wks and is going for 2), which he would otherwise spend with us, but he's still seriously considering going. I have a very good relationship with mil, but I'm really pissed off that she's asked him again, and pissed off with him that he's considering going.

AIBU to not want him to go.

CarGirl Mon 10-Jan-11 20:07:28

Not unreasonable but is there room for compromise?

RememberToPlaywiththeKids Mon 10-Jan-11 20:11:59

That is abit annoying - is she offering to pay for his flight?

For what it's worth my MIL comes and stays with us for 2 lots of 7-9 days at a time from abroad and I have to take annual leave (though self-employed) while DH continues working and just sees her in the evening. We do that at the more convenient times of the year where my work is less anyway for less of an impact and also so dH doesn't waste lose any of his AL.

I'd be a bit concerned that this is turning in to an annual thing and would make it clear that it can't be?!?!?!?!

tribpot Mon 10-Jan-11 20:12:56

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want him to go but I think he probably should go under the circs. Maybe not for 2 weeks but one? Are the health risks you're concerned with about India, or do your dc have particular health problems? I know my friends have taken kids to India without any issues in the past.

I think if he does go, he needs to make it clear that next year MIL should make other arrangements.

NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 20:17:38

I'm not sure how we could compromise on this. I think it's either he goes or he stays.

He's knows I just about tolerated him going last year, let alone going again.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 10-Jan-11 20:22:16

Why can't he sort out the stuff from here? Can a solicitor not be hired to act on your MIL's behalf?

Takeresponsibility Mon 10-Jan-11 20:23:19

If his Dad's final resting place in India then I think it is perfectly reasonable for her to expect him, as the eldest son, to go - especially as she invited you all.

If you really have issues about healthcare for your little one then that is your decision not to go, just because you choose not to go you have no right to insist that your husband does not go either.

How would you feel if his decision was to go AND he said I am going therefore we are all going? It is the same thing as you saying I am NOT going and therefore neither are you.

You need to discuss with him your concerns about this turning into an annual event but for this year it's fine. After all it's only two weeks, just imagine if he was in the army and was away being shot at for 6 months out of 12, then you would have something to worry about.

NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 20:24:22

Tribpot - my youngest has health issues, so I would feel very uneasy about taking him. Also, the travelling to get to the Punjab would be gruelling, especially in the heat. I know they'd hate it.

I know they're not going on a jolly per se, but I can't help but be cheesed off by it.

I've given him absolute grief over it. Rightly or wrongly, I can't make up my mind.

NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 20:31:10

It can't be sorted out from this end, as they operate in an entirely different way. They have to go in person to get the job done properly.

Takeresponsibility - yes, understand your points entirely.

I want to see how many YABUs I get as opposed to YANBUs, so I can decide if I'm being selfish or not.

PaisleyLeaf Mon 10-Jan-11 20:38:25

You're not selfish - but I do think he should go if he wants to: it's his family, his dad would want him to support his mum etc
I would perhaps be trying to work out a way to all go though.

NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 21:13:54

Fair point Paisleyleaf. I know I'd do it for my mum.

Shakirasma Mon 10-Jan-11 21:23:06

YABU. He may be a husband and a father, but he is also a son and an individual in his own right.

If he feels that he needs to support his mother with this then you should not try and prevent him. Would you rather he went and loved you all the more for being understanding, or would you rather him stay at home and resent you for it, wishing he was over there instead?

alicet Mon 10-Jan-11 21:30:43

How old is your dc? I think this has some bearing on it. If they are under 1 and not sleeping and you are exhausted fr eg then the thought of him going for 2 weeks is pretty hard to swallow rather than if they are older, sleeping and self sufficient to a point.

I think there is a compromise to be had too - he could go for less time like a week?

I can get why he wants to go as it is the 10th anniversary of his dads death but I agree that it needs to be clear that this isn't necessarily an annual thing. Doesn't mean he can't go again but that it shouldn't always be presumed.

We have 2 dc, 4 and 3. And I am off to New Zealand for 2 weeks on my own in March to stay with hy sister, her 3 year old ds and newborn ds. At my dh's instigation as he knew how important it was for me to see her (and had been saving up the money to pay for my flight without me knowing). He goes awaqy for a few days every year as well as the odd overnight with his cycling. For us it is important to support the things that are important for us as individuals and not just as a family and I love him all the more because of this.

alicet Mon 10-Jan-11 21:32:29

cross posted shakirasma. Well put - uch mroe succinctly than me! I agree with you 110%

NowThen Mon 10-Jan-11 21:55:18

Thank you both.

I'm probably a bit miffed because he works away during the week so time is precious. Also, I know ds1 will be upset.

I'll admit life is fairly easy at home as i don't go out to work, and dc are in school. So no, it's not like we need to have dh here.

Heck, I'm being unreasonable. I'll go and sort this out with him.

alicet Mon 10-Jan-11 22:01:38

Good on you - I think you've made the right decision.

I can get how you feel your time is precious. However funniily enough you may miss him less as it will only be a couple of weekends he is away rather than 2 weeks. Why not plan a family break for when he gets back so you have that to look forward to? And you can comfort your ds with this as well. He may be upset and miss his dad but he will pick up how you feel so if you tell him you have things planned - you are going to take him to the cinema, he can sleep in your bed with you one night and have friends over one night (or whatever he would think of as a treat - I am going on what my ds 5yrs would like) then you can make it not seem so bad I think.

Good luck! x

tribpot Mon 10-Jan-11 22:22:12

It's hard on you particularly since he works away as well, I do think it needs to be spelt out that it can't become an annual thing, where he uses up a third of his entire annual leave on a single trip away with his mum, that other siblings could do equally. Are they here or in India? Is there anyone in India who could be appointed as an agent?

Can he Skype whilst he's away?

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