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WIBU about DSis's sixth-form?

(20 Posts)
RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 21:26:25

A historical AIBU... this has bothered me for the last 18mos and it just occurred to me to submit it for comment.

My DSis is ten years younger than me and we lived very close together throughout her secondary schooling. In lots of ways I parented her.

When she moved into a new school for 6th form, she started being bullied. She has borderline learning difficulties and put on weight due to social isolation. Bullying included things like getting her in the toilets and pelting her with soap.

The worst was when during 6th form study sessions in the computer room, gangs of girls would team up to IM her. They sent her death threats (obv with teen melodrama, claiming that a male friend of theirs with a knife collection would fuck her up after school) and also pretended to be a popular boy at school and invited her on a date so she would show up all tarted up and then they could laugh at her waiting.

I tried talking to the mother of the ringleader, who was a total bitch unresponsive. We then tried talking to the school, whose response was to ask the girls to apologise and tell my DSis that she 'needed to build up her self-esteem' (in front of the bullies!).

They spent the rest of the year fake-apolosing to her in the corridors and asking her how her self-esteem was before throwing things at her. Now, she has real acceptance issues and in many ways behaves self-destructively.

WIBU to think the school are shit and AIBU to still be absolutely livid about it? sad

pamelat Sat 08-Jan-11 21:28:41

I dont think anyone would think you were being unreasonable, how awful for her and you sad sorry that it has not been resolved sad

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 21:33:05

YABU how is she now? I suspect that many 6th forms don't take as much responsibility as they should.

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 21:33:20

SORRY! Meant YANBU!

FabbyChic Sat 08-Jan-11 21:35:05

The school is shit and to be honest, she should have been moved from the school once they dealt with it the way they did.

The poor girl needs help not in hinderance.

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 22:01:40

Wimple the reason I am thinking about it now is because she is at uni and getting involved in all kinds of bad situations.

She has had c. 4 boyfriends in a year (and I don't mean 1-2 week jobbies, but like 3-4 mos and then on to the next one). I think she is craving male/ sexual acceptance.

Also she lets girls treat her really badly. Like her latest bf is older than me (mature student) and appaently has a circle of 'protective' female friends who 'take some getting to know' (read: have put my sister through a series of humiliating little trials before they will accept her into their set).

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 22:03:21

Fabby, we couldn't have moved away. It was the only 6th form in the area that wasn't independent. Plus my parents were going throuh a really nasty divorce at the time and it just wasn't feasible (that's why I was so involved btw).

I'm sure it's not healthy but repeatedly I find myself thinking about it and just really wanting to duff up the ringleader and have a very sharp word with the headteacher

compo Sat 08-Jan-11 22:04:40

She had to put up with that for two years? Why didn't she move schools? She must have done well to get to uni but I'd have taken her out sad
as for now, has she ever had counselling?

compo Sat 08-Jan-11 22:05:29

Sorry cross posts

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 22:18:31

Revolting...does she have any support there? Has she been to student councelor or anything?

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 22:18:33

No compo, she is determinedly 'normal'. She wouldn't think that she needed counselling.

When she first went to school, she was quite naive and socially awkward, but also quite opinionated: she wasn't interested in boys, she didn't want to drink.

Now, she bends over backwards for acceptance. Her whole life is about getting plastered, straightening her hair, spending hours on Skype with her 'mates', listening to trashy RnB, and getting involved in Jeremy-Kyle-style dramas with her friends.

She is also massively overweight, to the point where she has to have an inhaler due to breathing problems. She used to be really sweet, interested in animals, not into trashy teen culture... I am worried that school has permanently fucked her up. She is now talking about dropping out of uni and getting a shelf-stacking job because 'money isn't everything, innit'.

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 22:31:10

Is she unhappy though? Or is it just that you are very protective?

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 22:38:21

Honestly? Both.

I think she is deeply insecure and unhappy, because she does allow people to essentially treat her like shit. For example, one of the 'tests' she had to go through with her new bf's friends was one of them spreading unpleasant rumours about her to see if she 'took it' or confronted them. Another was being persistently excluded/ ignored to see if she kept after them to be friends.

She puts on a very brave face, but I don't think happy people let themselves be treated like that. But yes, I am protective (and probably hideously middle-class, re-reading my earlier post about RnB <wince>).

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 22:41:09

Is she on an arts course? Funny question maybe...bu the things you mention remind me of my drama school!

Spenguin Sat 08-Jan-11 22:46:16

Have a bloody go at this new boyfriend! What a dick!

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 22:49:50

Spenguin, he's better than the last. He was on benefits because he 'didn't see the point in working if he could get by'.

That sounds like I'm making it up, honestly not. He told her that he was an Afghan veteran (he was 21, lived with his mum, and later admitted he got his 'war wounds' in a motorbike accident).

Wimple, she's doing MFL.

Spenguin Sat 08-Jan-11 23:02:01

I think what you've done and are doing is remarkably admirable, for what it's worth.

However, 'he's better than the last' is not going to help your sister. You have to make up (and then some) for her lack of self-esteem/respect. He's just going to be one in a long line of abusers otherwise.

How close is she, geographically, to you? This may sound a bit psychotic at first...could you get some of your male friends to accompany the two of you out for a drink/dinner and, on the sly, get a male to agree to sort of flirt with her or just behave so as to demonstrate to her what a cohort of dipshit (sorry, but I'm so mad on your and her behalf) men she's known and involved herself with.

Now, I'm not saying to deceive her into believing a man who isn't interested in her would die for her etc, but just enough to show her that she deserves better and she doesn't have to deal with moronic men who are too stupid to even lie well. BTW, what did she say when she found out about the Afghanistan lie?

Spenguin Sat 08-Jan-11 23:04:01

Also, if it would make you feel better, do whatever you like to the girls from school.

If you have their addresses (postal or otherwise) then sign them up online for various erotic magazines, insurance brochures...anything! It's sophomoric, but a damn good release.

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 23:05:42

That's an interesting idea. But honestly, I work in academia and she's started uni. Our social groups don't really overlap.

On the Afghan thing, she said she just thought there had been 'miscommunication'. Personally I think he was also stealing from her (some stuff went missing from her uni flat when he visited) but she will not believe that.

To her credit she did eventually dump him. She's not spineless but the whole school drama plus our very difficult relationship with our dad has, I think, really screwed up her relationship with men.

Also, I do get angry with her. Recently, NewBoyfriend encouraged her to 'fall out with' our lovely DM and she seemed to be willing. We're not like Little Women or anything...

RevoltingPeasant Sat 08-Jan-11 23:06:45

Yeah, I honestly had nearly-realised fantasies of getting them after school and... But it wouldn't achieve anything and it would fuck up my career.

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