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to feel a bit upset, or just an over sensitive wuss?

(68 Posts)
fiveisanawfullybignumber Sat 08-Jan-11 14:39:20

Background, DD who's under a year has some awkward food intollerances (wheat, gluten, dairy & soy), even sensitive to what I eat, (still BF.)
Just feeling a bit unimportant to DH's family, no that's the wrong word, not bothered about is more like it, I don't need to be important IYSWIM.
It's a family member's birthday soon and I saw a one of DH's relatives coming out of supermarket with a massive trolley load for said party, said hi etc. She said she'd nothing suitable for me apart from fruit. Asked her if she wanted me to eat before the party or bring my own food?
My own family made such a lovely effort when we went round for New year it made me feel like someone gives a shit what DD and I are going through. It's been really tough but worth it to keep her pain free.
I'm not asking for my own cake or anything, but it's so easy to pick up a couple of free from buns etc, plain crisps with no flavourings (most have milk or wheat?!?)
I think it's because I would go out of my way to cater for someone coming to my house with dietary needs, or even veggie as I've always done for some of DH's family, I feel a bit crap about the lack of even a tiny bit of effort. Not once since my diet's been restricted (7m for dairy, soy & 4m for wheat and gluten) has any of them made an attempt to cater for me. There was a memorable get together before Christmas, the only things i ate were a few cherry toms and a pack of plain crisps that I had in the car. I hope to goodness DD's not going to be like this forever, or she'll end up feeling like a real pain in the bum to her dad's side of the family, I think if it get's that far I'll have to tell them to suck it up and make an effort for her! sad
Just feeling sorry for myself i think, give me a slap and tell me to shut up!

StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar Sat 08-Jan-11 14:41:10

no that is bad
Realising it at the last min & panicking is one thing, but planning not to offer you anything suitable is very rude
Take your own, in a packed luncg box and dont let anyone share

altinkum Sat 08-Jan-11 14:42:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar Sat 08-Jan-11 14:43:58

really? Eventhough she'd presumably justspent lots of moneyon 'normal' foood for party

TheManWhoSoldtheWorld Sat 08-Jan-11 14:55:22

Very rude, DD is allergic to dairy, our family make a giant effort to include her and give her things she can eat.

<they even ate some of the disgusting freefrom cake we bought for her 1st birthday>

fiveisanawfullybignumber Sat 08-Jan-11 15:02:27

I'm going to make a lovely choc fudge cake using cocoa, w&g free flour and vitalite, we can have our own yummy party. DD loves to mash her fingers through a bit of 'safe cake' then slurp on her hands. Naughty I know, but she needs some treats.grin
I'll start planning my party food tonight then, I'll take a home frozen sausage, mash and veg meal for DD, it's one of her favourites.
TheManWhoSoldtheWorld, they do taste a bit grim don't they, I can make my own taste much better.

TheManWhoSoldtheWorld Sat 08-Jan-11 15:49:59

Yes I have made my own since.

We just didn't know how vile it was until the day - I decorated it so prettily and wondered why everyone was grimacing!

JeezyPeeps Sat 08-Jan-11 15:57:03

I don't think you ABU. At all. It's not a lot of effort to phone you and ask for suggestions if they are finding it hard. At a recent party for my son I catered for a coeliac and a vegan.

It's rude not to cater for guests when you know the issues in advance.

Bring your own, and make sure it looks much nicer than whatever your in-law had in their trolley!

yama Sat 08-Jan-11 16:03:50


Dh is lactose intolerant. For the first 2 years or so after getting together my Dad would phone and read out ingredients whenever he was cooking for us. I used to enjoy his calls - "Is egg okay?". "Yes Dad, egg is not dairy" etc. Now he knows.

They always make sure they have Swedish Glace ice cream in the freezer and soya milk in the fridge.

That is for a grown man. They would be even more accomodating if it were for a baby ir child.

You are not being over-sensitive.

MorticiaAddams Sat 08-Jan-11 21:26:38

I have gone out of my way to cater for children, one with coeliac disease at our wedding and one with lots of allergies - wheat, dairy, etc at a party. Like you, I don't understand why people can't make a small effort.

Both parents were really pleased that I'd made the effort but said there was no need as the children were used to taking their own food along and just accepted it as normal.

I think it's something you are unfortunately going to have to get used to and just don't make a big deal out of taking your own food so your dd will find it easier.

DorisIsAPinkDragon Sat 08-Jan-11 21:43:09

YANBU- dd1 and dh are both dairy intolerant, dd1 sensitive to dairy through breast milk (i have a feeling dd3 may be similarly affected).

MIL invited us over we dh and I we first going out, bearing in mind I am a veggie and dh df she kindly served up a ham quiche grin.

Over time (5 years) we are slowly educating her as to HER SON's (let alone her GC's) needs. She still cooks special cakes for our visits (she is a lovely MIL btw) which are made with marg which only dd2 (out of a family of 5) can eat.... sadly dd2 (3) is a contrary mare and normally shows us up with an "I don't like it" <<<in small pitiful voice>>> grin

It's early days yet....

oldraver Sat 08-Jan-11 22:32:00

For those who cant eat dairy if you can find Battle Bakery cakes they make a delicious chocolate one with beetroot in it. It is delicious but havn't been able to find one recently

WimpleOfTheBallet Sat 08-Jan-11 22:37:11

YANBU! My nephew is intolerant of eggs and we always make him special cakes at birthday parties...we let him know which plates he can eat from and he does...the ther kds also eat the special ones as they're often nicer! Probably because more effort goes in.

cupofcoffee Sat 08-Jan-11 23:46:44

"Asked her if she wanted me to eat before the party or bring my own food?" What did she say then OP?

YANBU she could make some effort as she is aware of the intollerances.

Do you think she might be affraid of getting it wrong when she selects items for you and so passes the responsibilty away from herself by saying she has nothing suitable?

fiveisanawfullybignumber Sun 09-Jan-11 09:17:48

Not sure cup of coffee? None of them have tried yet (3 homeowners in the family at events.) Or even asked what I would like as an alternative. I'll just get our stuff ready, but it made me a bit upset yesterday.
Have a lovely homemade 'safe' choc fudge cake waiting now though.grin

HaveAHappyNewJung Sun 09-Jan-11 09:20:52

That's so mean. My DH is a coeliac and my friends voluntarily get special food for him. Even at DD's first birthday my friend made a gluten free cake just for DH.

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 09-Jan-11 09:25:02

I think it's incredibly rude not to cater for your guests. It's not as if you're choosing this to be difficult, for heaven's sake! Although, having said that, if you'd chosen to be a vegetarian, I'd still cater specifically for that.

It's just ill mannered IMO.

saffy85 Sun 09-Jan-11 09:34:45

I'd be a bit hmm at these people myself. I can understand on the day them ringing you and saying "shit. really sorry totally forgot about the food intolerences, maybe you could bring your own food?" But it seems a bit mean to say tell you "oh I've made a concious decision to not buy anything you can eat, other than fruit. You'll have to eat before you come over." Not a great host imo.

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 09-Jan-11 09:37:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupofcoffee Sun 09-Jan-11 11:03:11

Enjoy stuffing yourself with your lovely choc fudge cake fiveisanawfullybignumber, right in front of them while they all eat the fruit grin

Scorpette Mon 10-Jan-11 01:17:44

Feel so sorry for you and your DD - I know exactly how you feel. I have some food allergies and digestive problems and my MIL refuses to cook anything I can eat. They live 5 hours away, so we visit them for a week at a time 3x a year. I have to take a whole week's worth of meals & snacks down with me, as they live in the middle of nowhere and MIL won't buy in anything for me, even if we ask and offer her the money for it. I'm not even expecting her to get anything hard to find or 'odd', just some goat's cheese or similar. DP has asked her why why won't do anything for me and she says that if I refuse to eat normally, then she's not going to pander to me. hmm To add insult to injury, BIL has a new girlfriend who is a vegetarian and when she visits, MIL cooks a veggie meal for everyone or a separate dish for her. She often cooks things I can actually have but she'll only make enough for everyone minus me and dish up so there's none for me or pour some sort of sauce I'm allergic to over something I could eat. When she first met me, she asked for a list of everything I can and can't eat, but never acted on it. The worst thing for me is that near mealtimes, she will say to me 'the family are going to have X - what are you going to make yourself?'. Nice.

Sorry to hijack a bit, but has been so lovely to see so many people saying this attitude to allergies is disgusting. The idea of my own Mum not providing for a guest and making them feel at home is unimaginable.

PS StewieGriffin'sMom, can I come to one of your buffets? Even when MIL does a huge buffet (like every Xmas), she won't make a single thing I can have, not even salad without dressing!

onceamai Mon 10-Jan-11 01:36:18

Think there are two issues. The bad manners at not thinking what to offer you or asking what you could have and also the sheer insensitivity of being so thoughtless. TBH I would be very nervous if you were my SIL in case I got it wrong and the baby suffered. But, I would have phoned you, I would have asked, and if you had been nervous about me doing it right we would have agreed that you would bring some stuff and I would do really safe stuff. But I would have empathised and even if I hadn't been confident about the food side, I'd have sent you a card and some smellies or had you and dd over.

Poor you - unsympathetic family, poorly dd and a restricted diet for both of you. You must be a fantastic mummy to be eating so carefully though to keep up the breastfeeding. Perhaps they're jealous.

Good Luck.

ll31 Mon 10-Jan-11 01:42:32

but maybe they're afraid of getting something for you which turns out not to be right and causes problem for your DD - genuinely I think I would be like this.. have friends with children who are allergic to diff things and end up asking them all the time what they can and can't eat not because I cant remember but because I want to be completely sure I dont unwittingly give them something unsuitable... If you're happy to bring own food dont see problem. Esp when she's so young, you say they could pick up "free from buns" etc but if it was me I'd be afraid it wasn't good enough, or right food for her

kickassangel Mon 10-Jan-11 01:49:30

these sorts of questions come up over & over.

it's basic manners on the part of the host to provide for their guests - if they really don't know how, the least they could do is warn you up front.

can't your dh have a word? perhaps tell them what you can eat (some 'free from' crackers & a pile of fruit isn't hard to sort out). after all, this is his dd, if she stays like this, then they have to learn how to feed her for the rest of her life, it's not just a one-off, is it? or don't they want dd to turn up to family events?

PenguinArmy Mon 10-Jan-11 02:05:06

YANBU of course, but lol at or evev veggie

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