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to be so cross with my Grandma??

(28 Posts)
LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:10:09

Ladies something has been on my mind now for over a week and I dont know if I'm being unreasonable or just hormonal.

My Grandma broke her ankle about 2 weeks ago and has been moaning ever since that the home helps are no help really (apparently there not allowed to wash up anymore for health and safely????) and all she has been eating is ready meals that they shove in the microwave. Now dont get me wrong my Grandma isnt and never has been the best of cooks... I stew is probably the best she does anyway so last Thursday me and my two boys were driving back from a little mini break mum had got us for Christmas and I decided I would go, get all the ingredients for spag bol and go straight there and cook for her (easily saved/frozed then). Well first off when I walked in the zimmer frame was in the kitchen and she was in the living room... so she is obviously walking about without it. And when I told her she snapped at me saying she had me a shopping list and its just great that I didnt even phone to see what see wanted. My intention had always been to get the spag bol on and go get any shopping she needed while it was cooking. She then went on to tell me she had been in and made herself a stew, I said I would do the bol anyhow because it would freeze etc. So in I went, stood, peeled, chopped and cooked the bol sauce... left it simmering while I went to do her shopping as she had her list all ready (she didnt even know I was going). When I came back the pan had been switched off angry so when I asked her why the pan had been turned off she said "It looked cooked to me" I had onloy been gone 10/15 minutes so there is no way the mince was cooked. So I put it back on telling her that steak mince which I got took alot longer to cook that the cheap sh*tty mince... which she said she didnt agree with but I was cooking so cooking my way is what I was going to do. So in the end by the time I had finished the sgag bol and given some to the boys she then decided she wanted that instead of the stew she'd made herself angry

Sure its just my pregnant hormones getting to me... but I needed to vent. I'm very new to this site so if I've done anything wrong please let me know. Thanks xx

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:10:38

Ruddy hell that was a right rant wernt it?? Sorry!! xx

MackerelOfFact Sat 08-Jan-11 14:16:18

To be honest I wouldn't leave a pan unattended while I went to the shops, and it shouldn't really be a problem that she wanted to eat the spag bol since that why you made it. But you're not being unreasonable to be peed off at the lack of gratitude at the lengths you went to when you're pregnant with (presumably) small DCs!

compo Sat 08-Jan-11 14:16:37

I don't really get it, sorry
so you went round to cook spag bol for her
then she said she wanted her stew
then she changed her mind
so freeze the stew and stick with original plan
and you were cooking for your kids too!

Next time ask her what she wants help with before going ahead and deciding first

risingstar Sat 08-Jan-11 14:22:58


you are describing my late grandmother,

it is all to do with lashing out at those closest and helping the most.

rise above it if you can. hopefully when she is feeling better/less deoendent her mmod will improve.

TheProvincialLady Sat 08-Jan-11 14:23:44

Being old and in pain is probably not doing much for her temper or tolerance. You did a nice thing for her but I agree that it could have been handled better, perhaps by making the spag bol and home and bringing it over, and by asking her what she wanted help with beforehand. You do seem a bit touchy - if you were planning to go shopping for her after cooking then what is wrong with her getting a list ready?

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:24:02

The pan werent unattended... her friend was there with her by the time I left for the shops so she was keeping an eye for me, but Grandma would not let her friend see to it.

The stew couldnt be frozen, because the the meat had been left overs from something else and needed eating that day or something.

I did end up cooked for the my boys, but that werent my original plan because I had a car full of luggage and wanted to get home and unpacked before dark... which didnt end up happening after all the othe stuff she had me doing while I was there, which I dont mind doing but up changing batteries in smoke alarms and lightbulbs did my head in when my dad (her son!!) lives two minutes down the road and is calling in every night - WTF??

gordyslovesheep Sat 08-Jan-11 14:24:44

you sound a bit rude to be honest - I imagine she's fed up being housebound and a bit peed off at no being able to do things for herself - a little patience and empathy from you might help

I don't think you needed to be rude or ratty with her

fedupofnamechanging Sat 08-Jan-11 14:26:25

I can see both sides to this.

On the one hand, it must be extremely frustrating to get old and frail and have to rely on other people to care for you. I wouldn't like to have people in my home, doing things differently to how I want them done and then have to appear grateful. I think I would be stroppy and moany too. I also think that home helps should actually help and don't see how doing a bit of washing up endagers them any more than it endangers the elderly person they are supposed to be helping.

On the other hand, none of this was your fault. You were trying to be a good GD. If your nan doesn't want you to assist, perhaps she should stiop moaning about the help she is getting.

Agree that in future, it would be better for you both if you ask what she wants and just do that. Then you won't feel unappreciated and she will feel she has autonomy over her own life and home.

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:29:43

I probably am a bit touchy but its probably because I am the only grandaughter and she no daughers so it feels like alot is being left to me, or she's saying no to my dad and uncles help because there men and I'm not you know??

I'm a working single parent with a 7 and 8 year old and pregnant with my third child, so having to look after her is giving me a bit of stress. And like TheProvincialLady says her being in pain and not being able to do things she usually do wont be helping her moods either will it??

Thanks for helping me see sense ladies xx

Bogeyface Sat 08-Jan-11 14:32:49

Having helped care for my elderly grandparents, it is very hard. In many ways, you do have to think for them, but when you do they resent it. If you dont then they suffer because they dont have food or clean clothes or whatever.

In future I would suggest either making meals at home and taking them to her, or ringing and asking first as that seemed to be her issue.

Good for you for helping her, alot of people dont bother

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:35:09

Oh gordyslovesheep she's not housebound love!! She has been getting herself to bingo and to the club when my dad and uncle have been to take her so at least 3 times a week. I offered to take her to the shops in her wheelchair and she said the neighbour was coming around.

I love my Grandma to bits and as the only girl in the family have always spent alot of time with her, it just seems to me that with me she is housebound and with everyone else she managed to feel ok to get out you know??

I just thought it would be a nice surprise for her you know to have a proper cooked meal instead of the micro stuff she'd been getting all week

LindyHemming Sat 08-Jan-11 14:47:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:48:28

God I do sound like a horrible, grumpy cow dont I??

If I'd been at home I would have phone and maybe made here and taken her some over but I had just driven back from a few days away and thought if I when home first I wouldnt be botherd to go back out so went straight there, and as the following day was New Years Eve I know she was going out.

Honestly I promise I'm not horrible and nasty, and would genuinly do anything I could for anyone.

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 14:53:46

Euphemia my mum was the same for my granny (her mum), but to be fair my granny was always very greatful.

My Grandma is 75 and usually a very fit and very all together, she never usually goes out much through the day but loves her bingo and going to the club on an evening/night. I think what annoys me most is my dad and uncle are more than able to cook a meal and do at home but she wont have it!! I would probably blame the generation but I remember my Grandad doing alot of the cooking when we were there as kids.

deleting Sat 08-Jan-11 15:00:26

No you don't sound grumpy to me, sound like someone who's trying to help and wasn't being appreciated, but perhaps your grandma was in a bad mood and didn't mean to snap. Some people do get the brunt of it though. My Nan is going deaf and can't tell whether she's talking to me or my mum on the phone. Depending on who she thinks she's talking to, she can be at death's door or absolutely fine!

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 15:05:29

Ah... hahaha deleting bless your Nan, I bet theres alot like that you know??

My Grandma just will not be told!! The hospital gave her a frame to walk with and not to put her foot on the floor... she walks without!! They told her not to even attempt the bedroom steps because she has alot of them, they brought a bed for her to sleep in, in the living room... she goes up to bed!! She is just a stubon on boot (meant in the nicest possible way) and when she last went for a check up they hospital said to her it they could tell she's doing to much on it... has she listened?? Has she eck!! ha xx

Hammerlikedaisies Sat 08-Jan-11 15:12:32

LittleBeaut you don't sound horrible at all! You sound like a young woman with a lot on her plate who is trying to look after her Grandma - who seems rather demanding.

What happens to some old people? We had one in our family who just went on a rant every time we went to visit about how unfair everything was to her (though she was well off, and hadn't suffered any more than most people). The only other topic of conversation was her health - which I couldn't do anything about. She never, never but never ever asked me anything about myself or the kids - it was all me me me.

Now I get like that sometimes, if I haven't been out for a while, but I see myself doing it and stop it. Why couldn't she? Presumably she was able to have a normal conversation at some point in her life?

There are other oldies in our family who are great fun to be with, and who love a good discussion in which we put the world to rights - so I'm not having a go at all old people.

But it's the ones who are lonely and complain that people don't visit them - but when you do visit, they are boring and selfish and grouchy - that bother me. It's as if they've completely forgotten what it was like to be young and busy.

As other people on here have said, we can understand why they're not happy (bored, lonely, in pain, isolated) - but why do they lack the self-awareness to know when they are putting people off coming?

Secretwishescometrue Sat 08-Jan-11 15:42:18

You sound like a wonderful granddaughter she is lucky to have you try to bite your tongue and take her nonsense, I'm sure it is very frustrating she won't let your dad and uncle cook when your dad only lives 2min away but they could wrap a plate of their own dinner each day and bring it up to her before or after they eat that way she has a good meal everyday and if she doesn't want it today she can always microwave it tomorrow instead of the micro ready meal? Just an idea, that's what my aunt and uncle used to do for my granny she wouldn't have had anyone in her kitchen at peace either!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Sat 08-Jan-11 15:45:40

sorry, but it sounds like you were insisting on cooking spag bol for someone who didn't really want spag bol. just because she is hurt and off her feet doesn't mean she loses the right to decide what she eats.

Secretwishescometrue Sat 08-Jan-11 15:48:28

Oh and maybe she was trying to keep you and the boys there abit longer getting you to change batteries etc just cause she'd miss ye when yer gone? I know my granny (who I miss very much and wish I had been better to when I had the chance ) she would have me counting buttons or stacking the biscuits in the tin "just so" so as to keep me with her a bit longer... Maybe that's what your granny was at too?

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 15:51:27

Well if she didnt want the spag bol she bloody ate enough of it!! I told her the idea of spag bol was that it could be frozen in portions and taken out for home help to micro... she didnt have to have it that day. But I would have been there to cook pasta, garlic bread etc if she did want it that day. In the end she chose to have it instead of the stew!!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Sat 08-Jan-11 15:54:24

perhaps it was the fact that someone else had to make it for her that she resented.

losing mobility can be a very hard thing to come to terms with for someone who has led an active life.

LittleBeaut Sat 08-Jan-11 15:57:14

Bless your Gran too Secretwishescometrue!!

deleting Sat 08-Jan-11 16:12:16

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, you haven't been mean to her or said anything hurtful according to your posts. Your gran was the one being unpleasant, for whatever reason. It is annoying when you try and help and it's not appreciated.

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