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AIBU to have hung up on my bloody mother.

(39 Posts)
redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 16:27:48

FURIOUS does not cover it.

She is pissing me off.

Im divorced ( or getting divorced) Ex Dh and i work out weekends between us. I didnt get DD as much as i would have liked over xmas, but i thought it was best i had her, at home, and quiet before she started school a few days ago, so i forgave my time at xmas for that.

Firstly mother kept bangign on and on, saying how sorry she felt for DD and ahow unfair it was that she couldnt be with me... In the end i told her to shut up and she was making me feel bad. There was nothing i could do, its not what i would have wanted, but that is her dad, she has fun with him and was fine.

So, she started school, her dad came to ger her just now and shes gone up to his.
Mum called and then started going on how it wasnt fair and DD should have stayed home with me this weekend. DD actually didnt want to go this weekend, but she didnt tell me this until her dad was on the doorstep. Shes gone now and will be fine.
Her dad is also having her a few weekends in a row as hes away for most of feb and march and isnt going to see her at all then.
Mum starts this rant about how unfiar it is on poor dd who will be tired from just starting school and how im not putting her first by letting her go.

I told her i was going to hang up as she was offending me and i put the phone donw.


eagerbeagle Fri 07-Jan-11 16:34:32

YANBU - it sounds like you are working hard to make sure your DD has time with her dad and acting in your DD's best interests.

Its hard and you sound like you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances. Tell your mom you need support not lecturing.

FabbyChic Fri 07-Jan-11 16:38:11

Hey I think you are working things out with your ex fantastically.

Tell your mother to mind her own business.

If it works for you and your ex fantastic and sit at it.

It also gives you time to be just you and not a parent.

PorkChopSter Fri 07-Jan-11 16:40:18

And what business is it of hers? Can you start disengaging, stop telling her the details and she'll have less to complain about.

Are you happy with the arrangement? If not, is she trying to be "supportive" but failing miserably?

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 16:43:22

she rang me back and ive ended up hanging up again.

she said im out of order for arranging for DD to go to her dads for 3 weeeknds in a row as she will be tired and should be at home with me.

I told her it wasnt her child and to but out.


I cant fucking win.

Its not ideal, of course id rather have her at home, but no court in the land would rule that i can pick and chose what weekends depending on dds tiredness levels

She has her own room at her dads, and pets, and toys and he cooks home made food for her, hes taken her school reading book and words to do on the weekend too.

Its just one of those thigns, i cant change how it is, i just have to accept it.

ive told her before she makes me feel like crap how shes goes on and on ' oh poor dd, i think she wold have rather been with you' or ' poor dd having to sit in a car for an hour'

fucks me off

Yes, its not ideal that he is now going to to have her 3 weekends in a row. But then hes not going to see her for all of feb and half of march.

borderslass Fri 07-Jan-11 16:50:31

From what your saying you and your ex are doing a great job of keeping things amicable and doing whats best for your DD and your mother should keep her nose out she's your DD not hers.

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 16:53:14

it just pisses me off.
Same as DD has to go to the breakfast club in the morning befor school for the grand total of 20 mins.

Mums been going on and on about it, and how sad it is for DD. How mean my boss is for not letting me be late ( maybe a little, but thats just how it is)
I kind of think, its only 20 mins, im still taking her to school, i will be there every day to pick her up. and that im lucky to have a mostly school hours job.

I keep telling her she makes me feel guilty about things i cannot change but she just keeps on doing it and im fucking furious.

bibbitybobbityhat Fri 07-Jan-11 16:56:51

She is far far far too involved in your life. You are not a child any more, you don't have to listen to any of this. Why did you pick up the phone when she called you back?

Send her a text saying "incase you haven't realised I am angry because you will not stop going on about dd seeing her dad and I have nothing more to say to you on the subject so please leave me alone".

You don't have to put up with this just because she is your mother.

charliesmommy Fri 07-Jan-11 17:01:26

YANBU at all. The most important people in your childs life are her parents, and if they are getting on ok, and both happy with the situation, then thats all that matters really.

Sounds like you and your ex are doing great, and your mother needs to zip it really.

shirazgirl Fri 07-Jan-11 17:02:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 17:07:32

Thing is, yes i know DD might be tired, and she is. But he will give her a quiet weekend, she actually sleeps in later there that at home.
and yes, its not the same as being in your own bed. But she goes there every other weekend, shes used to it, she has her own room set out there, all decorated for her, all her own things.

There really is not much difference.

Its just making the best i can of it. Its never what i would have chosen for DD, but its the way it is.
Plus i have to be flexiable with him, and then expect the same back.

Gay40 Fri 07-Jan-11 17:07:54

You're doing the right thing. For your DD, it's far more important that you and your ex-H are managing to be civil and work things out amicably in terms of childcare.
Your mum needs to stfu.

quiddity Fri 07-Jan-11 17:09:37

You sound as though you're bending over backwards to put your DD first and make sure she has a good relationship with her dad. She's lucky to have both of you, you sound like great parents.
Your mother should be congratulating you on that, not undermining you and putting more stress on you.

monkeyflippers Fri 07-Jan-11 17:10:27

Sounds like your and your ex are doing a good job. Sitting in a car for an hour isn't a big deal and it shouldn't really make her any more tired being at her dads then at yours. He sounds like a good dad by the way.

shirazgirl Fri 07-Jan-11 17:14:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 17:19:08

Give him his dues, he is very good with her.
He might not always deal with everything in the same way i do, but hes a far better dad than he was when we were together.
And, for the most part, he does put her first.

And yes,she is tired, but there is no difference her being tired with him, than being tired with me.
Where ever she is she is going to be tired.
Hes going to bring her back early for the next few weeks as well. maybe 3.30pm instead of after tea as well, so she can realx and get and early night before school.

I think we do ok in the situation that we can.

Im going to call mum back and re tell her, its my decision, its my child and that if she cant say anythign nice, then to keep her opions to herself.

iloveyankees Fri 07-Jan-11 17:22:18

I echo what everyone else says. Sounds like you and her dad are doing a great job and your mum should be pleased he has such an active role in his daughers life unlike some parents that split up. I would tell her to butt right out of it

shirazgirl Fri 07-Jan-11 17:23:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 17:25:44

Ive just called him to check shes ok. I cant hear her nattering in the backgroud. Shes fine.

We have sorted dates all the way through to easter, hes not having her over easter, but is having her a for about 5 day to coincide with when my holiday contract child minder is off.

Its just a bot of give and take and swapping it about.
SOmetimes neither of us gets what we want, but thats how it is. As long as its best for DD then thats what matters ( ie, i only got xmas eve and xmas day out of 10 days, but got her at home just before she started school, worse for me, better for her, her dad would like to have her easter sunday, but wont, as he wil have her when her childminder is off. worse for him, better for her)

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid Fri 07-Jan-11 17:28:30

YADNBU and a huge well done to you for putting your DD first (which includes maintaining a close relationship with her dad, if your DM hasn't noticed!) and for being so mature and unselfish in your cooperation with your ex. smile

It sounds like your mum is getting a bit overwrought about your DD's welfare - well intentioned but a bit insulting to you. Could you tell her calmly how undermined this makes you feel, at a time when you would really appreciate her support in ensuring that your DD doesn't suffer as a consequence of your separation from her dad?

slopingsite Fri 07-Jan-11 17:32:46

Redderthan -. I'm a family lawyer and wish all parents would be as child centred when making arrangements for their children (although I'd be out of a job ). Sounds like you're doing a great job. Mothers! Who'd have 'em wink.

redderthanred Fri 07-Jan-11 17:32:47

i tried that a few weeks ago when she was complaing about the breakfast club situation, and then the xmas situation.

I said it made me feel awful and very guilty in a situation that i could do nothing about, other than doing my best, which is what im doing.

she said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

but she was. worse.

HaveAHappyNewJung Fri 07-Jan-11 17:37:15

YANBU it sounds like you are working really well with your ex - that's no small achievement!

Why does your mother feel the need to spoil it? If DD is happy she should be too. Maybe she's trying too hard to show that she's on your side?

MadamDeathstare Fri 07-Jan-11 17:38:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid Fri 07-Jan-11 17:48:52

"she said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

but she was. worse."

Could you just repeat "Mum we've talked about how awful, guilty and unsupported I feel when you do this. Could we talk about something more cheerful now please" over and over and over until she finally gets the hint? grin

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