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to feel like strangling DH

(15 Posts)
halia Thu 06-Jan-11 10:39:58

OK, there's a long back history to this but here goes......
Last year i was working in a pretty stressful job and handling most of the childcare/ house by myself as Dh worked away Monday - thurs/fri. This often caused problems as he was suppoused to be home one eve (thurs) as I had to work that eve. He moaned about my work, despite me rearranging the evening for Thursday to make it easier for him to get up (and then work from home friday) and he was often 'accidentally' booked to be elsewhere on fridays and so unable to come home on thurs.

Anyway, I'm no longer working (partly cos of the sheer stress of trying to handle my job, a demanding 5 yr old and all the housework)

So now, since about 3 weeks after I finished work DH is suddenly not only home every night he is also working from home 2-4 days a week. Its a bit odd given that only in October he was saying that working more than 1 day a week from home would be impossible.

OK, maybe that's not something to get het up about cos after all i should be pleased he is home, even if the timing isn't great.

But..... we have one small study and a completely open plan living/ kitchen room. when I lost my job I decided to try my own business. I tidied the study and set up my files and laptop. But of course now I can't use it for half the week cos DH is working in there. And on top of that, when I'm downstairs working he wanders in and out, starts talking to me, makes cuppa's and generally disturbs/ gets in the way.

So at the beginning of the week, after a LONG xmas break with DH and DS under my feet all the time (I was still trying to work over the holiday period) I breathed a sigh of relief that DS was back at school and DH would be at work.

We've been having a rough time in our relationship (due to other things) so i thought it would give us both a bit of space and quiet time to focus on work/my business etc, not get on top of each other all the time and basically have a break from arguing.

So ......... guess what. I'm in the living room having got up, tidied, got DS ready for school, etc. DH is in his PJ's having got up at 8.30am, announced that he wasn't going to drive into the office today OR tomorrow. He's in the study and I'm in the living room balancing my files on the arm of the sofa again.

He came down to make a cuppa, and tried to chat to me. I was focusing on a business plan and so I said, i'll bring the cuppa up in 5 mins... I need to concentrate.
DH: "no thats fine, I'll just chat to you and take it up myself"
ME: "I think you missed the point .... I need to concentrate"
DH: "Oh, OK then i'll load the dishwasher" (in huffy voice)... cue noisy clattering of dishes etc

I swear on top of everything else I am THIS CLOSE to kicking him out.... he just doesn't seem to EVER take my jobs/ work seriuosly.

FabbyChic Thu 06-Jan-11 10:44:23

You sound pissed. Maybe his work schedule changed have you not thought to ask him?

Surely communication is the key here if you work from home you can do it at certain times, you should be able to work and talk at the same time, most people can do it.

You talk about kicking him out as if it is a god given right you have. YOu don't it is his home too, he pays the bills and lives there, you can't just kick someone out.

Your problems are obviously more deep seated than you are prepared to admit, get to the bottom of those first.

Most couples would love to be with their partner as much as you are.

Ealingkate Thu 06-Jan-11 10:45:51

Can you talk to him about any of this, i.e. what you've put in your post?? Or is this more of a vent about him being crap and not taking you seriously - I do find with my OH that I do have to spell things out for him, he doesn't do empathy under his own steam IYSWIM

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Thu 06-Jan-11 10:46:07

I could be wrong but it sounds like he has made you give up your job and is now trying to prevent you from doing this one.

Bring it out in the open, negotiate over the study, agree to 'meet' for lunch but otherwise have quiet during work times.

If he refuses to compromise or talk you have bigger problems.

TwinklePants Thu 06-Jan-11 10:47:18

Perhaps he just wants to spend a bit more time with you? I am not saying its not annoying to be constantly interrupted when you're trying to work because I know it is, and must make doing your job difficult, but I would find it hard to be cross with him when essentially he's just trying to talk to you? IMO there's 100 ways that your situation could be worse:

- he could have tried to 'ban you' from trying to work whilst your DC is small
- he could work every hour that god sends so that you only see each other for 15 mins a day and as a result the love is going out of your relationship
- he could be abusive or cruel.... I could go on!

Just have a chat with him and explain that you take your work seriously and need the time and space to get it done. I don't think this is worth chucking him out for unless I have missed some vital bit of info.

halia Thu 06-Jan-11 11:01:19

laurie:
He didn't exactly make me give it up, but he was generally unsupportive and made it really hard to do my job, eg I'd be suppoused to be working thursday evenings. I'd double check with DH that he was home to look after DS and then about once a month, usually less than 24 hrs beforehand DH would casually say in passing "oh no I'm not going to be home on Thursday"
He also used to complain about me working long hrs, when he works a 60 hr week, and at least mine was flexible to handle house/child/ dry cleaning (DH suits) etc.

Yes I get that his working pattern may have changed, it just seemed so pointed that literally less than a month after I stopped my job, DH is suddenly gone from being absent mon-thurs, to hardly even going into the office let alone being away overnight.

Fabbychic: NO i can't talk and work at the same time... and tbh I don't know other people who can, not if they are actually doing a decent job at their work!

I know that plenty of people would love having their partner around this much, I don't. I never have... I like my space and independence and DH always said it was one reason he married me. Now its like if I'm not glued to him he gets moody. He hates me going out with friends as well.

curlymama Thu 06-Jan-11 11:22:46

This does sound like it's being made into a bigger issue than it needs to be because of the other issues you are going through.

Why does he get to use the study if he choses to work from home? He needs to be told that you expect to be able to use it on the days that he ususally works, he does not get to wake up on a Monday morning and decide to take that room over. Then on maybe one day a week when he works from home, you split the time in there, half a day each or whatever. He needs to see that even if he doesn't value your work as much as his, he has to value you and your rights within your own home.

halia Thu 06-Jan-11 11:42:14

curly,
yes it probably is being made into a bigger issue cos of other stuff. as for why he gets to use the study ......... he just does. I have to take DS to school and by the time I have got back from that DH is ensconced

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Thu 06-Jan-11 12:05:59

He certainly did make you give up by not being there. Why is he not just as responsible for being there for your ds?

And what's with the saying you work too hard?

It sounds like he is trying to control you.

venusandmarshmallow Thu 06-Jan-11 12:07:09

halia is your dh threatened by your independence? You say that you have been having a rough time in your relationship - and you seem to be at least thinking about kicking him out. Do you think your dh senses this and worries that if you have more independence (and independent money) that you will be more likely to leave?

TwinklePants Thu 06-Jan-11 12:08:50

Here we go... this thread is about 30 seconds from someone saying "controlling bastard, he is toxic... you should leave him/ throw him out immediatly"

Why don't you just talk to him, explain how YOU see the situation and try and sort it out together?

QuintessentialShadows Thu 06-Jan-11 12:13:13

Do you think he could have been made redundant, and too worried to tell you?

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 06-Jan-11 12:14:33

I'm intrigued by the fact that his working patterns have changed so radically with no explanation. You say he was working away overnight 3/4 nights a week and now, with no change in job, he is working at home in his pyjamas - and clearly not so overburdened with work that he has time to load the dishwasher.
FWIW my DH works from home and has done for 10 years now. He disappears to his cubbyhole office at 9am, comes down for a quick lunch and usually stops work at 6pm. He wouldn't welcome unscheduled chats during the working day, and I don't see why you should be expected to.
Until recently I also worked (and studied) at home, and as I only had school hours to do it in I would have murdered DH if he had tried to strike up an idle conversation in my precious working time.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Thu 06-Jan-11 12:21:01

To be fair twinkle, I did say that she should talk to him first.

It doesn't negate the fact he sounds as if he wants you to stop work for whatever reason (insecurity because they've been arguing?) and is trying to make that happen.

Op should definitely talk to him about the boundaries now that they are both working from home.

giyadas Thu 06-Jan-11 13:01:28

YANBU, it sounds like he has no respect for your work at all. As it was you who sorted the study out for you to work in, I think you need to be a bit firmer in laying claim to it.

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