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to tell Dh if nothing is sorted, not to bother coming home from work tomorrow?

(21 Posts)
welshbyrd Tue 04-Jan-11 21:07:18

On-going situation, here is a previous thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonabl e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here
Since then, have spoken to DH, opened the thread for him to see, and told him, Im deadly serious about considering divorce.He said he understands, and would read thread.

I went upstairs to give him time to read thread about 10.30ish, read amg and feel asleep waiting for him. Though I did hear him coming into bedroom and getting into bed about 1am ish.

This happened Saturday night, his mum come to visit Sunday [she lives 100 miles away], so could not talk then, but she left 6.30pm, and since then he has not even mentioned it at all
He went back to work from Christmas today, he has come home stuffed his face with food I cooked for him, helped put DCs to bed [back in school tomorrow] Now he has gone upstairs to listen to footie on the radio

AIBU to tell him tonight, we either sort this out tonight, which involves him talking it through, or he should not come back from work tomorrow. Its so frustrating, and is really getting me down now
I feel as if I going to extremes, with this idea, its completely out of character for me to be so nasty, [am aware telling do not bother coming back is nasty], but I can not cope anymore. I really do not think I can live like this another minute, its come to the point of me seeing images of me ripping handfuls of hair out of my head, have even imagined, him walking into house and me being in livingroom covered in blood wrists slashed[ would never do it, but just the shock might make him realise what this is doing to me]
For him to know how much this is hurting me, the very fact he has ignored it, [always listens to me though, but never says what he wants], has made me come to the conclusion, that he could not give a fook whats happens, or how sad I am.

He knows Ive been sad about this for months, not just the issue of lack of affection, the very fact he does not care about me enough to even be honest.

Its like he has kept me hanging on a thread for almost a year, knowing it is hurting me

Rabbling now sorry, do not even know if any of this makes sense

welshbyrd Tue 04-Jan-11 21:08:17

Sorry do not know how to make a click link iyswim

irishqueen Tue 04-Jan-11 21:17:16

e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

will read now

irishqueen Tue 04-Jan-11 21:17:56

pants didint work sorry

irishqueen Tue 04-Jan-11 21:20:38

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/11140 37-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

here you are

FabbyChic Tue 04-Jan-11 21:21:24

Wrong link Irish

It is here

e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

Can I suggest you go to counselling? Why kick him out? You live in a marital home you cannot really do that, I know it is hard but make an appointment to see someone together so you can both talk, talk to a professional.

FabbyChic Tue 04-Jan-11 21:22:10

My link don't work either! ha ha

e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

FabbyChic Tue 04-Jan-11 21:22:40

Please dont click my links they are pants. Thank You.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy Tue 04-Jan-11 21:26:23

previous thread

squishysquashy Tue 04-Jan-11 21:30:05

Hi, I just read your first post, so sad for you. it immediately occurred to me that the problem might be along the lines of madonna/whore complex (I'm not a psychologist but I read an article (!) years ago where women were describing this kind of extreme change in their partners after getting married - I imagine having a baby could trigger it).

If it's something like this he would probably be embarrassed to talk about it, not wanting to address it rather than just not caring about you?

At any rate I should think that you need to lay down the law - but that being that he/you both get counselling. Just book it and tell him he's going.

A1980 Tue 04-Jan-11 21:37:13

I'm going to muscle in on your solicitors appointment that you have booked for 11th January. I don't know if you're aware but you can't actually get divorced until you've been married for at least one year.

You previous thread says that you married on 27 August 2010 so you can't get a divorce until after 27 August 2011. There's not much point in seeing a solicitor as they can't actually get the ball rolling for divorce for around the next 8 months.

Plenty of time to look into counselling?

Goblinchild Tue 04-Jan-11 21:54:25

You've got an awful lot on your plates at the moment, the pair of you. I think counselling would be a good start.
I remember you from your previous thread about your husband's daughter.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/11033 05-Husbands-DD-is-taking-us-for-a-ride

onceamai Tue 04-Jan-11 22:24:21

Agree with all the other posters who are recommending counselling. I think he needs some gentle help - could be psychological or physical. I certainly didn't fancy it when I was breastfeeding (a long time ago now). I am menopausal and know that a year or so ago, DH's nagging made me feel even less inclined - didn't feel pretty any more; didn't feel young any more and actually a cuddle and a nuzzle would have been so much more effective than "I want sex; I need sex". Have lovely gynaecologist and a dash of HRT worked wonders.

Please try to think about all the good things you have and balance them against the some of the bad things you don't have. This might be a phase and sex isn't everything.

welshbyrd Tue 04-Jan-11 22:36:34

Just went up, he was flat out sleeping , burst into tears, grabbed spare quilt, and have come back downstairs. Feel 500 times worse now. Him sleeping soundly, while Im barely sleeping most night because of this, I feel so angry

Onceamai, Its the lack of affection I can not cope with - the sex does not bother me [probably would do in future, I imagine]

welshbyrd Thu 06-Jan-11 09:40:55

Spoke to him last night, well actually I shouted hmm, he did talk after being prompted, me asking him direct questions and him replying.
Told him how frustrating this has been to me, I really let rip.

He does love me, and he still wants to stay in a relationship. Worked out between us, that since DD 20months was born, tiredness, exhaustion [have to say DD, really has been hard work from day one, not sleeping all night until about a month ago,her behaviour in public places, meant we could not go anywhere etc]
Thankfully since xmas, she seems to have turned a corner, and has been an absolute little gem, since talking more. Did worry, it was because DH was on xmas hols from work, and when he returned, she would go back to her previous behaviour, well its day 4 of DH being back in work, and she really has been fab. Took her to a softball play yesterday, she was brill, confidant to approach other children, and overall fantastic
Think when a relationship has taken a back seat for such a long time due to exhaustion etc, it was hard to get back into it
He cwtched me all night, I felt warm, safe and feel almost stupid typing this, but minute by minute, I felt that all this stress, anger, loneliness was disappearing

Thanks all that replied, think you gave me the big kick up the bum, I needed, to get this sorted, and be courageous enough to push the subject, even though I knew there was a chance of him wanting to split

ZhuZhuhell Thu 06-Jan-11 10:27:47

welshbyrdim glad it has turned out well for youand i hope that it continues.

FabbyChic Thu 06-Jan-11 10:34:00

Im glad you managed to talk, keep talking always sorting your problems as they come up and not letting things fester for so long.

Its good your daughter now seems more settled.

Good luck.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Thu 06-Jan-11 11:06:25

Nothing nicer than a catch - and that's from one Welsh burd to another wink

Counselling is the way - I think it refreshed the issues for me and my dh, when he saw other person nodding in agreement with me, and the other way round, he realized it wasn't mindless nagging, and that I was deadly serious about needing things to get better.

The biggest mover for him was when I burst into tears in front of the counsellor, I don't do that very often so he knew things were pretty bad.

Not wanting to sound Stepford in anyway, but I wasn't actually looking my most attractive when we had problems and neither was he - we had stopped fancying each other and didn't feel that fanciable either IYKWIM. We try and make more of an effort these days - although it felt a bit fake, I do fancy him more when he shaves, cuts his tufty hair and whacks on a bit of smelly....however shallow that may sound. blush

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Thu 06-Jan-11 11:07:03

That was meant to be cwtch not catch sox bloody iPad spell checker grrrrrrrr

welshbyrd Thu 06-Jan-11 11:50:02

Binfull - agreed nothing like a good cwtch

Have been thinking this morning, about how much I have let myself go, my confidence hit so low, that brushing my hair in the morning was a chore. Decided this morning, that when DD goes for her nap, I would make myself look a bit more presentable, and put on my tights and boots he used to often compliment me on. Might even cook him his favourite, good old sausage casserole

Will bring other 2DCs to DS swimming lesson this evening too.DH and I, were up so late last night talking, he had work early this morning, so he is probably knackered, and would appreciate an hours peace

Thank you smile

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Thu 06-Jan-11 12:46:08

Sounds like a very nice thing to do - the easiest thing to happen in these situations is to start getting defensive with each other and then that can lead to nastiness on both sides. We built a huge wall of defensiveness against each other and it was a real battle to overcome that.

It's about feeling nice for you, too, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the boots too!

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