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To expect all the dc To be treated equally?

(13 Posts)
Memoo Sun 02-Jan-11 02:03:05

We are a real blended family. Dh has two dc from his first marriage and I have two dc from mine. We also have one dd between us. We always treat all 5 dc the same as each other and we expect other family members to do the same.

Mil is starting to drive me mad though. She quite obviously treats my elder two children differently from the other 3 who are biologically her grandchildren.

It's only ever small things but they start to build up over time. At Christmas she was lining up the three girls to take pictures and wittering on about how lovely they all looked. Whereas my 2 were just ignored. And she is always really interested in what they have been up to but she barely asks my elder 2 a single question. Also we sent her pictures of the kids and she has only put the ones out of the 3 girls. Dh is prepared to speak to her but I need to check we aren't overreacting? My elder dc are 10 and 12 so they really notice things

smoggii Sun 02-Jan-11 02:25:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable but it may be that MIL hasn't even realised she is doing it therefore a quiet word from DH may be in order.

It may be that she finds it easier to bond with younger children, she has known all 3 of DHs biological children since they were babies and the children who are not his biological children came to her when they were a bit older so she may not feel as bonded to them? Possibly?

Also you say she was 'lining up the three girls' are your older two boys? If so it may be she just prefers girls... odd admittedly, but that may be the reason.

It may also be something that improves with time.

Good luck

onmyfeet Sun 02-Jan-11 03:10:46

Yanbu. Your mil need to realize that you are one family now, and she is their step grandmother. Even if she doesn't feel the same towards them, she needs to show them affection and not exclude them from photo's. It will not kill her to have all the children in the pics as well as pics of them on their own.
Idea! Maybe give her a family photo collage frames filled with family pics. Like this? .jpg

2rebecca Sun 02-Jan-11 09:19:49

I think treating your grandchildren differently from someone else's grandchildren isn't that surprising. My parents treat my stepkids differently, but they rarely see them as they mainly live with their mum, don't view my parents as their grandparents and have their own biological grandparents. My parents are pleasant to them, but it is a different relationship.
My inlaws are very nice to my kids but there isn't the spontaneous warmth and years of relationship that exists between them and my stepkids, fair enough, they aren't their grandchildren.
I think older children understand this if explained to them. My kids don't call my inlaws grannie etc but by their name and see them as H's parents rather than their grandparents which is what they are.

pommedeterre Sun 02-Jan-11 09:42:35

YANBU. My very, very elderly Grandpa has a real mix of great grandchildren from 9 months to 16 years in age and it's about half and half on biologically his and come into the family from previous marriages. He treats them all the same and has photos of all of them up.
If he can manage to do this (he's fairly un pc in his other life views) than anyone can.

pongonperdy Sun 02-Jan-11 09:47:43

I think its understandable that she may not feel the same about the children but she should try to be discreet about it.

KarmaDevil Sun 02-Jan-11 10:50:18

No YANBU. My parents treat my DSD the same as my DDs. Although presents they may receive may be a bit different as DSD is 18 and my DDs are 7 and 4. grin

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 02-Jan-11 11:07:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 02-Jan-11 11:11:52

She's human and will obviously be more close to the children who are her grandchildren. Whilst she should try and hide it its not always easy.

If you are truly honest with yourself, I am sure that you slightly favour the chidlren you gave birth too rather than stepchildren - most stepmothers/fathers will do this in some form.

theevildead2 Sun 02-Jan-11 11:21:35

YNABU, but it would be hard to "fake" some emotions too, if she just doesn't feel that way about your kids. Please don't be hurt by that comment.

My aunt remarried a man with 4 kids (she had one of her own) my grandmother makes an effort and sends them all gifts etc, but I've never met them and they were much older at the time they got together so I don't bother.

theevildead2 Sun 02-Jan-11 11:22:22

from teenage to nearly my age

before anyone thinks me a heartless cow!

hairyfairylights Sun 02-Jan-11 11:51:19

Yabu. Your two are not her grand children and it is her choice. You chose your dh and dsc but she didn't. It would be lovely if she treated them the same but it is not something you have a choice in or can expect.

PinkElephantsOnParade Sun 02-Jan-11 12:11:42

It's a pity your MIL can't make more effort. She is an adult and should be capable of acting in a way thet makes DCs feel wanted and included.

So YANBU as she is deliberately treating them differently when it must be obvious to her that you and DH treat them all equally.

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