to expect my bf to have handled this differently? Combining families, different parenting.(16 Posts)
Recently had a situation where my bf said no to a request by his ds, age 11(ds wanted to stay with his dad the night, my bf was supposed to be staying at mine, the ds knew this was happening) the ds pleaded and pleaded and bf eventually said yes.
Obviously I was disappointed my bf wouldn't be staying with me, but understand that his ds (who hadn't seen him for a week) misses his dad and wants to see him.
I was annoyed by the fact that my bf said no numerous times, then because of the pleading said yes. Also it was done in front of me and went on throughout the afternoon before my bf changed his mind. My bf didn't speak to me when we were on our own and say his ds wanted to stay with him and would I mind.
Am I being unreasonable to think this has now taught the DS if you plead enough you get your own way. And if you plead enough you get dad away from his gf?
This is a bit complicated. The black and white answer is that you should never go back on a 'no'. I never do.
But why had he not seen him for a week? Why did your bf say no?
If I were you my biggest concern would be that this guy didnt realise how badly his son wanted to stay with his dad after a whole week that and that this situation even occured...
Awww he wouldn't be the first parent who allowed a child's pleading to tug on the heart strings, especially if he hadn't seen him for a week.
I think he should forwarned you that he was going to agree though...instead of just saying yes.
I'm a bit unsure of your last line though..do you really think the 11yr old would be thinking that cynically, or just really wanting to spend time with his Dad during the holiday?
Is your relationship quite far along? If so can't you create some space at your house so the 3 of you can stay in together in future?
Maybe your BF was wrong to give in, maybe he wasn't, but I'm afraid it's entirely up to him, unless you are bringing up his DS together.
Personally I think that his relationship with his son is extremely important, particularly if they don't see each other too often. From the DS's point of view, how horrible would it have been if his dad had chosen his girlfriend over him?
The trouble is (for you) that a GF is always going to come second to a child.
I agree that you should never go back on a no, unless circumstances change things entirely.
The trick to never going back on a 'no' is to make sure you consider your answer before saying no.
We have al had times where we have said 'no' and then wished we had said yes in the first place.
Your bf probably realised he should have said yes in the first place.
Tbh I'd have to side with your bf on this. I do understand how hard it can be - I'm a stepmum. And in principle I do agree that it's better to be consistent with anything with children, ie not giving in at the last minute due to pleading or tantrums or whatever.
BUT as long as he's not being a Disney Dad I think it's ok to 'indulge' his DS in this way (after all it's not really indulgence, is it, it's just seeing his dad which every child should be able to do)
IME it will do all of you much better if you allow him to come over more, and be flexible and relaxed about it. This sounds a bit soppy but it's much better to embrace your role as a stepmum rather than resist it in any way. Once I realised that I became so much happier
<looks at DSD sitting on sofa and feels all warm and fuzzy>
Do you have dcs of your own? If you did not see them for a week and they begged and begged you, you can confidently say you would never reverse a 'no'?
englandsmistress - my bf hadn't seen his ds for a week 'cos his ex and her bf were away with the ds. I've suggested he arrange certain nights for his DS to stay with him, then his DS will know when he is spending time with his dad. My house is quite small but we are planning to move to a larger house to accommodate all children (I have a ds too) but maybe I should look at getting a camp bed so my bf ds can stay too.
Muznuts - I don't think the DS would have thought deliberately to get his dad away from me, i like him and he likes me. I'm sure he just wants to spend time with his dad. I just don't want to create future problems with other things so I want us to present as a united parenting front and not play off one of us against the other if you know what I mean. I also have a DS and no means no to my DS, but I guess I see my DS every day so its easier for me. I guess I also need to get used to coming second to his DS.
HeyMango - we are planning to move in together this year but at the moment I guess I'm responsible for my DS and he is responsible for his. And yes you're right I need to get used to coming 2nd.
HeathcliffMoorland - I have a ds too and no means no, that's why i'm struggling but maybe I'm a bit harsh after the other posts as I get my ds 24/7.
It's Christmas. A little lad wants to see his dad. You take second place.
As it should be...
Yanbu. Don't combine families until you've discussed parenting at length.
If you find this situation hard, it could be that a blended family situation is not for you. Bear in mind your bf, as do you, have your existing obligations to your respective dcs that pre-dates the relationship.
Go in with your eyes open. Every time you resent his ds, one day the shoe will be on your ds' foot.
HaveaHappy - thanks, i think its harder to be a step mum than a mum as I'm not sure of the boundaries with my bf ds and I'm quite a bit stricter with my ds than he is with his.
blueshoes and NonnoMum - fair points
hairyfairylights - yes I think we need to talk about parenting styles as I'm far stricter with my ds than he is with his
You can't expect him to change to suit you, it is about compromise and meeting in the middle.
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