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"Breastmilk shouldn't be pregnant. She has heart disease" AIBU to be upset by that comment?

(42 Posts)
BreastmilkDoesAFabEggnogLatte Sat 01-Jan-11 15:21:01

It was said to DH in my absense by an individual with neither any knowledge of the details of my heart disease, nor any medical training.

My life expectancy is probably around normal, and DH will be as fully and completely involved as a parent with DC2 as he is with DD. And if I become too ill to work, we will still manage both practically and financially. So it's not as if we didn't think this through.

AIBU to be really upset? Or should I just accept that it's my fault for having told the bigotted sod concerned soul that I was pregnant?

And either way, how do I respond to such a comment?

BooBooGlass Sat 01-Jan-11 15:22:56

It is probably concern for your health, expressed in a very clumsy way. I'd let it go tbh, but if it happens again then do explain there's no risk to your or the baby (if there isn't).

FairyTaleOfNewYork Sat 01-Jan-11 15:24:35

YANBU

i am pregnant

i do NOT have heart disease.

My dh no longer has heart disease.

But he has had a heart transplant, and has a lower than average life expentancy.

we are living for now. not what might happen in 5,10,15, 20years.

our kids are loved, wanted and cherished.

plus medical adavances are developing each day.

TryLikingClarity Sat 01-Jan-11 15:27:45

shock on your behalf.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way. And, I must say I like your festive namechange.

The colleague probably didn't mean for it to sound as cruel as it sounded, probably just spoke without thinking of consequences or feelings.

You say your life expectancy is around normal, and your DH will be a good support to you in raising your DC. That is excellent.

Plenty of people with long-term illnesses have DC and their illnesses are managed with drugs or other treatments.

In your situation (pregnant) I also would be upset, but don't let it spoil what is an important time for you, your DH and your bump.

You can either not respond to cheeky comments like that, or just tell them what you said in the 2nd paragraph of your OP.

Oh, and tell them to bugger off and mind their own business. wink

TrillianAstra Sat 01-Jan-11 15:36:47

I was confused for a bit by the title - until I saw that "Breastmilk" is your name

Don't be upset, tell whoever it is in the best condescending voice you can muster that as they are not your doctor and know nothing about your disease and its potential impact on your life and your child's life then you will not be taking their opinions into account.

KalokiMallow Sat 01-Jan-11 16:11:08

I've been told I shouldn't have children due to health problems (back pain). And that's before I am even pregnant, can't imagine how devastated I'd be to hear it if I was pregnant.

So YANBU.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

AMumInScotland Sat 01-Jan-11 16:13:56

Well, YANBU to be upset, but take it as showing how much ignorance there is about heart disease, rather than being a judgement on you or your choices. They may have known someone with heart disease who did have a reduced life expectancy because of it, or who had been told that the risks to her or the baby during pregnancy would be extremely high, and may not realise that "heart disease" is a category and not one specific thing. If he/she mentions it to you or DH again, you could take the opportunity to explain why your situation doesn't make a pregnancy a terrible idea, and show how you've thought through any implications.

It was rude of them to put it so bluntly, but its probably just because of ignorance, which can easily be reduced!

BreastmilkDoesAFabEggnogLatte Sat 01-Jan-11 16:21:32

Human breastmilk of course should not be pregnant. It would be like feeding a newborn raw egg.

But really, thanks for the perspective. I think the comment was made with some measure of concern, even if tempered with ignorance and/or prejudice.

And as FairyTale says, we live in hope. Hope that medical advances will improve my quality of life.

But thank you for reassuring me I'm not overreacting by being upset.

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo Sat 01-Jan-11 16:21:53

YANBU

But you're going to have to devop a thicker skin. This is just the beginning of the thoughtless comments and questions.

You'll get "So you'll have a CS, labour must be far too dangerous for you?" or "Ooo you don't want to be having a CS, it would be far too dangerous for you."

You'll get "I suppose you want a boy?" (which you may do, for all I know, but if you don't mind what you get it's a really annoying assumption).

And so on. I'm sure there are lots of good retorts you could give, but are the people who say these things really worth the effort?

Enjoy your pregnancy smile

LilyBolero Sat 01-Jan-11 16:30:21

YANBU to be upset, but I suspect it was said out of concern for you, and whether or not the pregnancy will take a toll on you.

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh Sat 01-Jan-11 16:32:25

YANBU but I can imagine why someone said that. I mean if I had a friend or acquaintance who I knew had heart issues I might say something similar not in a judgey 'how very dare someone with health probes have a baby' but in a 'is that okay for them and not going to be too much strain'. But I probably wouldn't have said they shouldn't be. I can just see how concern might be badly phrased, like I'm making a complete balls up of explaining this.

As for responding I'd thank them for their concern, say your doctor is completely involved (so they can poke their nose out of your beeswax) and there's no reason at all to worry and you're really excited about having another DC (subtly underlining that you've done it once and are clearly still alive and kicking wink)

Congratulations anyway!

theevildead2 Sat 01-Jan-11 16:41:37

I'd take that comment to mean you should not be pregnant as it would be damaging to your health, nothing to do with life expectancy. None of their business but might have been worried about you and it came out wrong.

I know someone (sister of a friend so don't know the full details) but she has a problem with her heart can't work because of it etc and was told she shouldn't get pregnant as it could kill her when she got pregnant with DC2 her dad said aren't you going to get rid of it. She hasn't spoke to him since..

MilkNoSugarPlease Sat 01-Jan-11 17:08:40

Breastmilk! Are you pregnant?! I missed this!

Congratulations!! thats FAB!

Jacksmama Sat 01-Jan-11 17:15:26

YANBU.
If someone said that to me, I'd look them straight in the face and say "bit late now, isn't it?" and watch them squirm.

But seriously, it was probably just a twattish comment made out of misguided concern. Some people were just born lacking the diplomacy gene.

TorcherQueenie Sat 01-Jan-11 17:53:46

Congratulations first and foremost! grin YANBU some people open their mouths without switching their brain on.

An ex-friend of mine told I shouldn't be TTC because I'm on antidepressents and would be an unfit mother. It absolutly broke my heart. I've suffered with depression for 13 years now and have a well rounded happy daughter of 8, DH supported me through our first he'll support me again.

We both know really though deep down that its our lives to live and no one truly knows how capable or incapable a person is.

swanandduck Sat 01-Jan-11 18:06:50

YANBU. It is none of his business.

perfumeditsawonderfullife Sat 01-Jan-11 18:12:48

YANBU. A dear friend of mine has heart disease, she found out just after her second child but my god was she stunned at the callous comments she endured! All sorts, blaming her for bringing it on herself, selfish for having children whilst being over weight, all sorts, and that was from her Mil shock

Congratulations and enjoy this pregnancy. As for her, ask her when she graduated with her medical degree.

Ps, friend is doing brilliant and been told life expectancy same as avarage woman. Best of luck xx

hatesponge Sat 01-Jan-11 18:30:48

YANBU - and congratulations on your pregnancy.

FWIW, my grandmother had heart problems due to rheumatic fever in childhood, and was advised against having children by doctors. She went on to have 6 (not suggesting you need have that many of course!)

madhairday Sat 01-Jan-11 18:54:45

YANBU and congratulations on your pregnancy

People can be thoughtless and some downright bullies. It's hard to understand why. Someone told me when I had my second that I shouldn't have had a second child (I have lung disease) and I was selfish for doing so when I couldn't 'be a proper mother.' hmm energetic playful mum I may not be, but as you know that's not what a good mother makes...ignore the comments, enjoy your pregnancy and I do hope your condition improves. I've learned to take one day at a time and enjoy it for what it is

activate Sat 01-Jan-11 19:01:47

People like to pontificate about medical conditions they know nothing of

Quite often the information they have is based on spurious "articles" they happened to have seen, made-for-tv movies (normally featuring Cheryl Ladd grin) or the all-powerful font of all knowledge - google.

You cannot stop people talking or putting their opinion forward, you can just be either simperingly sweet about it or justifiably scathing - I find it best to smile really.

If I only had a penny for the number of well-meaning comments and unsolicited advice received I'd have a seat on the first commercial space flight, in first class

BreastmilkDoesAFabEggnogLatte Sun 02-Jan-11 04:42:03

Thanks, all of you.

I think I'm just going to stay away from this particular social group... really, they're DH's friends rather than mine and I'm mostly too exhausted to bother about my lack of social life.

I just really, really regret telling them I'm pregnant. There's no reason why they needed to know and they're not ever going to be supportive.

A lesson in there somewhere, I suppose...

onmyfeet Sun 02-Jan-11 05:27:24

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I am just wondering... what made you upset about that comment? I think people would worry because the words "Heart Condition" sound serious. Especially when they don't know all the details, and I assume a doctors ok for having another child. Probably they were shocked and concerned, but that isn't a bad reflection on you, if anything it shows they care about you and your family.

TechnoKitten Sun 02-Jan-11 06:43:03

YANBU at all and congratulations!

FWIW, we are seeing more and more women having children with pre existing heart disease (we're getting better at keeping them alive through childhood) and the vast majority do just fine. Some do have to have elective C/S because of the risks of labour but not all.

The twit who made the comment may have spoken out of concern for your health, or for your DH, or for the health of the unborn child, or just because they like to talk and don't really care about whether they're making sense.

Avoiding is a good strategy or ask them exactly which physiological changes during pregnancy and labour they are concerned about and on what evidence.

Good luck & hope all goes well for you & family, sure you'll be fine.

onmyfeet Sun 02-Jan-11 06:49:21

Yes, I like the asking them idea. Mention you heard they were concerned about your pregnancy and heart condition, and ask what they were worried about? You can address their concerns, and help educate them on heart health.

onmyfeet Sun 02-Jan-11 06:51:39

Did your dh tell them you are fine to have and raise a family?

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