To Think My Friend's Husband Is An Utter Twat and Very Controlling?

[NewYearName]

Went round a friend's last night, so 6 adults there, DH and I, friend A and her DH and friend B and her DH, plus DC.

There was a whole big drama about a present A had for her DH to open at midnight. Her DH thought it was one thing and kept asking everyone what is was. B knew what is was and A's DH eventually said 'unless you tell me what is is, your DH won't get his promotion at work'. (He is in a position of power at work, but although he gets a say in who is recommended for promotion, is is not up to him at all). He was sort of joking, but he regularly makes 'jokes' like this in social settings and he is always keen to bandy his 'power' about. (and uses the word 'power' too!) When he opened it it wasn't what he thought it was and he was openly disappointed. He then started to complain to A that it wasn't something he would want, was a crap version of the thing anyway and went on and on about it in front of everyone else, including their two teenage DD's.

Later on, A's oldest DD (17), who had had a few glasses of wine mixed with lemonade through the night, was sick. It was obviously through drink, but she genuinely hadn't had much alcohol. However, she also hadn't been eating much all day according to A and A is worried about her eating and her DH keeps calling both DD's 'fat'. (they are both skinny minnies!) A's DH then proceeded to speak quite aggressively to A in front of everyone and ended by saying 'I'll speak to you about this tomorrow, I'm very disappointed'.

He always behaves like this and worse. It is always very uncomfortable for everyone around them. People in the main put up with him for A's sake. I find it very hard to be around him. I am quite outspoken and find it hard to see him embarrass A in front of others on a regular basis. Surely men don't normally behave like this?

[TheVisitor]

He sounds like my FIL. Lovely man.

[mutznutz]

Surely men don't normally behave like this?

What a strange thing to say?

As for the rest of it, life is too short to spend around people like that imo.

[LittleMissHootsMon]

If I were you, I'd be slipping your friend A the mumsnet URL....

She needs waking up and a bit of a MN talking to.

YANBU

[compo]

I'd just see A on her own tbh and forget tge family gatherings
he sounds awful

[cees]

Til she grows a backbone and tells him to piss off, the only thing you can do is be there for her.

He is a complete dickhead to his family. Looks like he has done some damage to his dd already. What kind of father calls his little girl fat, what a prick.

[Hassled]

YANBU. Have you ever talked to A about him - does she acknowledge a problem?

[TryLikingClarity]

He sounds like a prize pig.

Get your friend alone and talk to her about him. If he's like that when out and about in social situations then dear knows what he's like behind closed doors.

[Tryharder]

I have met men like this before. And sadly, they quite often have very good, wellpaying managerial jobs and have this vision of themselves as Alpha male. Is your friend a trophy wife? He wants his DDs to be skinny because in his eyes, skinny=glamourous and it fits the picture he has of himself to be surrounded only by attractive women. I bet he's the sort of person that makes a scene if a dirty towel if left on the floor or the house isn't immaculate.

Twat.

Sadly, your friend probably will never leave him.

[lazarusinNazareth]

Is there a DV issue here too? Either way he is controlling and manipulative and destroying his dds & dws self-esteem. Please talk to your friend. He is Grade A bastard.

[IAmReallyFabNow]

He sounds like a bully and thinks he is more powerful than he is. It is time someone stood up to him.

[BootyMum]

He sounds awful and it sounds as if your friend [and their daughters] are being emotionally abused. Perhaps let A know that you are available as listening ear if she needs to talk about what is happening? And do let her know that in your opinion his behaviour was pretty poor - she may be so used to it she fails to recognise just how unpleasant it is

[stripeywoollenhatwithbellson]

sounds like B's dh should put in a complaint about this wanker at work.

[NewYearName]

Thankyou for the replies.

A doesn't really talk about it much, except in a ranty, jokey way to myself and B. She regularly tells people he is a twat when in company, but I think this is because she cannot stand up to him when they are alone, so it's her way of getting a dig in at him, if that makes sense?

tryharder you are right, A used to say how her DH would come home and check the tops of doors for dust etc and she once popped round to her neighbours in the middle of hoovering and when her DH came home he had a go at her as the hoover was left out saying 'had a bad day did we?'. She always makes jokes about it but I think this is just her way of dealing with it.

I am not sure if there is domestic violence involved, but definitely emotional abuse. A had an affair a couple of years ago after 20 years as a devoted and completely faithful wife. It was short lived, but it was/is almost as if her DH sees that as a way to gain more control over her. A was possibly having some sort of breakdown at the time and has since has psychiatric help, but from someone her DH knows and suggested, which seems odd. She very much feels she should be greatful that her DH has taken her back and tries to pretend as much as possible the whole thing didn't happen. She does't see that it was equally her choice to stay in the marriage.

I am not sure A will ever talk about it to anyone properly, she's just not the sort of person who deals with things, preferring to push them to one side. She is miserable most of the time though, that much is obvious.

stripey I don't think there would be much point in B's DH complaining about A's DH at work, it's unlikely anything would be done or even that the complaint would be taken seriously.

[crunchbag]

NYM, your friends situation has some similarities with a thread that was in relationships a few months back (the psychiatrist, calling daughters fat)so maybe you could ask for more help in that section of MN.

Is the eldest daughter at boarding school by any chance?