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To be peed off with DH's exW?

(18 Posts)
follyfoot Thu 30-Dec-10 00:34:11

Been with DH for 8 years, not involved in any way in the break up of his previous marriage.

A couple of weeks ago, DH's DS2(my DSS2) invited us to watch him play at his band's first proper gig. Of course we said yes and were really looking forward to it. Asked DSS2 a few days later if he was nervous as if so, we would completely understand it if he would prefer us not to go to watch. He told me no, he doesnt get nervous about performing at all and of course he wanted us to go (he and I are very close).

On Christmas day, DSS2 very awkwardly said that we shouldnt go to the gig as 'the other bands were crap' and it would be crowded. We said we didnt mind, but he was insistent, although clearly felt uncomfortable saying it so we said OK we wouldnt go, it wasnt a problem and hoped it would go really well. DSS1 later said that their mother would be going. I realised what was actually going on and the reason for DSS2's discomfort.

DSS1 is very close to his mum (he is often her mouthpiece - eg trying to get involved in maintenance payment arrangement discussions with my DH - and once told me his Dad was a loser and absolutely meant it sad) and she loathes my DH with a passion, despite their split being 12 years ago. He came back from Uni after our invite to the gig. DSS2 tends to get on pretty well with both sets of parents and I know would have wanted us there. ExW had obviously told DSS1 that she would only go to the gig if we didnt, he pressured DSS2 to make up an excuse for us not to go, hence him being so uncomfortable telling us. By the way, I havent got a wild imagination, this kind of thing has been happening for years.

After all these years, why cant she AND her exH and I all go to support our DS/DSS?

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing Thu 30-Dec-10 00:39:09

I think if she can't get past her feelings of anger at her ex H after so long, and everyone knows she's like that, there's nothing more to do but accept the situation.

I'm sure she doesn't like or want to feel like she does, and it is a pity for her DC, but it sounds like it's out of your control.

christmaswishes Thu 30-Dec-10 00:40:24

These things are awkward.She obviosuly still holds a grudge and its a shame. I think your husband has just as much a right to go as her because it is his son too.

ChippingIn Thu 30-Dec-10 00:43:38

It's pathetic isn't it

As both the boys are almost grown, I think all you can do is hang in there. It will have to be up to them whether they pick & choose who to invite to various things OR to invite you/DH & their Mum, tell their Mum she can come or not, up to her...

It's going to be hard for them though, but one day they will tell her that!

anonymosity Thu 30-Dec-10 01:52:40

You don't know the circs. It could be that the children are protecting their mother and she didn't know you and her Ex-husband were due to go. Anyway, its a complicated situation. I don't think she's pathetic, but she will be given emotional priority by her children and you just have to let it go. There will be other opportunities.

FaffTastic Thu 30-Dec-10 04:31:36

Some women will just never let it go.

I speak from the perspective of my mother, who despite splitting from my dad more than 20 yrs ago, and both sets of parents having remarried, would get on in the same way as your DHs ExW and is becoming increasingly worse.

Your DSS2 has my sympathies as it makes things very difficult (and this is coming from someone who is now in their 30s!)

gillybean2 Thu 30-Dec-10 04:42:37

I think perhaps you are speculating a little and that, to me on the outside here, it perhaps has more to do with dss1 and his return from uni that has somehow caused the uncomfortableness.
So perhaps he has made his sibling feel guilty about the invite (possibly saying you know mum wouldn't like it - when their mum may not have said anything either way)

So without facts then yes you are being a little unreasonable to immediately be peed off with her without knowing with any level of certainty that it was in her say so that the invite got revoked. Kids can and will say and do things off their own back if they think it's protecting their parents.

FaffTastic Thu 30-Dec-10 05:09:11

I think gillybean has a very vaild point actually.

If you say DSS1 has a very close relationship with his mother (and you are v close to DSS2) maybe this has to do with DSS1 rather than the ExW?

humanheart Thu 30-Dec-10 08:04:03

Did your DH leave his ex? Did he pay her proper, structured maintenance? 12 years or 12 weeks, it'll all be the same to her if he didn't. Why does she hate your DH with a passion - has he treated her badly? Why would DSS1 feel compelled to be involved with discussions about maintenance? He may have meant it when he said his dad was a loser because his dad is - have you considered that?Sorry to be so blunt.

All the best when the weddings come along...

follyfoot Thu 30-Dec-10 08:31:05

Yes he did leave. What maintenance has to do with it I'm not sure, but he has paid on time every month since he left - and voluntarily he has paid much more than he would have been made to by any court. He even continued paying a portion for some time that he was no longer liable for because someone else had moved in with her and she didnt tell DH (although it was obvious to him). DSS1 got involved in maintenance as it was legally supposed to stop when the children reached 18. My DH didnt think that was fair so continued to pay but paid it to the children's accounts rather than hers (one no longer lives there and the other is hardly ever there). DSS1 wanted DSS2s money to go to his mother. My DH said that his mum could speak to DH directly if she wanted to discuss as it wasnt really to do with DSS1.

Re whether its DSS1's doing or hers, I guess we know the other incidents that have gone on over the years so although it seems a leap to put the responsibility onto her rather than him, it most likely isnt (even parents evenings have been a source of problems because she doesnt want my DH there, so she wouldnt tell him that they were on).

Although I do agree that DSS1 will be protective of his mother of course, and as my DH says 'rightly so'.

I just wish she could/would move on with her life. My DH has often said he just wants her to be happy....

PS no he isnt a loser. He's a kind thoughtful man who has done everything he can to maintain a relationship with his children and be a reasonable ex-husband. I have never seen him rise to her bait or say a single bad word about her to the children, despite a huge amount of provocation. She has been vicious to my face too, and I havent responded.

humanheart Thu 30-Dec-10 10:49:04

ok.. sorry to keep digging, but has she got a partner?

You say that you don't know what maintenance has to do with it.. which shocks me tbh and leads me to believe you can have no idea what a deeply divisive and explosive issue money can be: it has EVERYTHING to do with it, most probably (and in most divorces). I know you say he has paid more than any court would have demanded but were guidelines consulted at the time? He may think he's been quite generous but I don't know if that was his idea of generosity or the courts' guidelines (maintenance is usually much higher than people realise). He must be quite comfortable if he can fork out over and above the time-limit, and fluctuations, required. Perhaps she feels she was left in every sense and things have turned out tickety-boo for him; whereas she has not only lost her husband but the lifestyle that went with it. Both of which you now have. Sounds like you have the love and affection of dss2 as well, which could be very painful for her.

Only being devil's advocate. I was serious about the weddings - I don't think I can know all the ins and outs of your situation but tbh the kids being in the middle is agony for them and, if at all possible, make peace with her and go the extra mile, or 10. If you love her children then promote their relationship with her and take 2nd place (if you don't already), always. It sounds to me that you are much better off than her in every sense iyswim. Yes, she may be difficult (I don't know, only what you say) but some people never recover from being left - maybe that is something you have to live with and accept as part of the package that came with your DH?

follyfoot Thu 30-Dec-10 11:07:10

I dont have the foggiest whether guidelines were consulted at the time (it was 12 years ago after all) it was done between their solicitors at the time. There wasnt a fantastic lifestyle to maintain just a normal one, and he ensured that continued for all their sakes. As I said, he overpaid when she was clearly living with someone else as he is a kind man.

To be honest if she cant handle that things have turned out OK for him after 12 years, then thats really a problem for her rather than us. I too was a single parent and despite appalling DV from my ex, I think you have to move on for the sake of your own and your childrens happiness.

She did have another partner yes, but he left.

Re the children being in the middle, I must make something clear. We have never ever put them in the middle. My husband has bitten his tongue, never said a bad word to her or about her to his children, been as good an ex as its possible to be I think (certainly better than mine has ever been). Its so sad that DSS couldnt have his Dad to watch him perform - after all this is what this thread was about sad. Its his feelings that should be paramount in this.

oldandknackered Thu 30-Dec-10 11:13:03

You say: 'He even continued paying a portion for some time that he was no longer liable for because someone else had moved in with her and she didnt tell DH (although it was obvious to him).'

How is that the case? I'm confused.

Your DH's maintenance obligation does not end when his ex meets someone else!

silverfrog Thu 30-Dec-10 11:21:30

spousal maintenance does not apply if the maintained person lives with/marries a new partner.

the children's maintenance, of course, carries on, but the element paid towatds/for the upkeep of the parent may not apply (depending on terms negotiated of course)

humanheart Thu 30-Dec-10 11:25:04

it does oldandknackered. it affects maintenance to her, though not the children.

I'm saying that if she puts them in the middle, bend over backwards to accommodate her (for their sake!). I don't think the situation is as straightforward as you think follyfoot.

Maybe DH can go to the concert on his own - would that be possible? does she have an issue with him being there? win/win then. You are an add-on and always will be in that family's dynamic - you have to accept that. Sorry again to be so blunt.

oldandknackered Thu 30-Dec-10 11:38:26

Oops! Sorry, I misunderstood.

But then I never got a penny in maintenance for the DCs, let alone me! grin

follyfoot Thu 30-Dec-10 11:47:05

Thanks silverfrog, thats exactly what it was.

Concert has now taken place - in any case the issue is that she hates DH not me particularly, although she has been horrible to me too in the past. Both he and I are polite to her, and if the children ask me something, am always careful to say 'see what your mum thinks too' or 'would that be alright with your mum'.

Graduations and weddings are going to be 'interesting' grin

FaffTastic Thu 30-Dec-10 18:03:20

Follyfoot -don't talk to me about graduations and weddings. My graduation was the first time my mother would be in the same room as my father for 10 years.

My wedding, 10 years after my graduation, was a bloody shambles thanks to her.

Mother - it was more than 20 years ago. You remarried a long time ago. Move the FCUK ON!!!!

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