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in supporting my 10 year old son in not seeing his dad because of his dads g/f

(24 Posts)
sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:13:10

I don't really want to but ds is very upset as he gets a lot of negative vibes from the gf and has done for a while.

My exp did leave me for her in 2004 when she was just 16 (yeah I know, 10 year age gap)but things have moved on, wouldn't say we are all pally pally but we all have a civil relationship with each other, get on reasonably well and both are supportive when it comes to ds (he has adhd)

Now and again my children come home upset and say gf ignores them, goes upstairs won't speak, dd1 takes it in her stride but it really upsets ds and he feels that its him sensitive soul that he is. I have had it out with her before and she did seem shocked and horrified and things did improve but...

they came home from thier dads this morning subdued, ds said dad warned us to behave on boxing day because gf was in a mood, she disapeared upstairs all day and acc to ds spoke to dd but not to him. (dd has backed him up)

So ds has said if gf doesn't pack it in then he is adamant he won't be going again would I be unreasonable in supporting his decision.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 21:18:42

what age is he? anyway, i would support him but i think you need to speak to your EX and tell him what is heppening. it is up to him to make his son welcome in his home.

NemoTheRedNosedFish Tue 28-Dec-10 21:19:26

Why is she disappearing upstairs in a mood?

If it is because she is p-ed off with your ex and trying not to row in front of the children, then fair enough.

The ignoring is not so explainable, however it is difficult to say what could be going on, as you only have your dc version of events.

I would try to work it out together first.

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:21:14

He is 10 years old. My x is a bit of a wimp when it comes to women, not much of a backbone. I have had words before but he always says oh its not how you think/ I'm sure its not that bad

I have text him twice today but no reply

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:23:45

Well nemo thats what I'd like to know. I know ds can be hardgoing but she has known my children for 6 years now so is well awa
re what they are like.

I just think she is odd,

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 21:23:54

well if he isn't willing to support his son and maintain the relationship i don't know how he could be surprised that his son doesn't want to be there.

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:26:17

well tthats just it isn't it. He always takes his g/f side, always

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 21:26:22

I would speak to your ex and explain what ds has said to you including the not wanting to go any more if this continues.It could be as Nemo said and they may have had a row or another explanation bad PMS or the like.If you explain how it is making you ds feel and your ex is supportive as you say it may be easily sorted out.However if he denies any problem and las it at your sons door then support him in not wanting to go.

curlymama Tue 28-Dec-10 21:29:22

I would support him in his descision. You can still encourage him to spend time with his Dad, it doesn't have to be when she is around and they don't have to go to his house.

She is what, 22 ffs? She had had to act as step Mum before she even turned 18? Being a step parent is not easy, and I feel for her, but I wouldn't want someone that age to be practicing their stepparenting skills on my child.

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 21:32:57

I meant lays it at your sons' door

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:43:07

well quite curlymama, and she and x have children of their own (she told me once she hated the thought of having kids)

I am a step mother too, to my dp little girls and no matter what your feelings are you just have to get on with it. Its not easy at all and in a way I feel a bit sorry for her too as I think she was very young to start with and having to cope with two young children when she was barely more than a child herself must have been very hard

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:43:55

sorry thats meant to say NO chilodren of thier own

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 21:46:44

If as you say sheep your ex always takes his gf's side.Then you need to support your ds and suggest maybe just dad and son time as she clearly doesn't sound like she is capable of being a step mother.

FabbyChic Tue 28-Dec-10 21:49:15

He picked a younger woman, she is jealous of the time he spends with his children.

She is too immature to be able to handle sharing with his kids.

I would stand by your son for sure

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:51:57

Sadly reinitindeer I think it will come to that unfortunately.
They are getting married in April so things even more awkward

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 21:56:11

fabbychic I think you are right there. I also think there is some insecurity over me as well (no idea why, she is tons more glamorous than me grin but perhaps its because me and x have a shared history together and he did cheat on me with her she is worried he will do same to her. She is always ringing him when he drops the kids off.

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 21:59:36

It is an awkward situation but your ds is now of an age where he can vocalise his feelings clearly and you have to be on his side as it were. I had a similar problem with dd1 she felt that her dad wasn't seeing her or ringing enough (he doesn't and he is a knobbish dad but your thread not mine)I supported her and told him how she felt.The outcome was he didn't change but she changed her mind and I then had to facilitate the "making up" as it were.I just let her know that whatever she decided I would be there and always on her side.Hope that helps

curlymama Tue 28-Dec-10 22:01:28

And that's the point, she not just getting on with it. She's having Jealous tantrums, and she is certainly not putting your childrens welfare first when she is around them. I would expect that from anyone who is looking after my children, never mind someone who is going to be seen by your children as a sort of parent.

I do have a bit of personal experience here, I used to go to my Dad's house when he had a much younger girlfriend hiding upstairs, and it was horrible. It complelely changed the atmosphere of my Dad's house for me, it went from being somewhere that I felt completely comfortable, like it was my own home, to feeling like half the house was out of bounds to me. While at the same time having a Dad who was tense and not his usual relaxed self who wanted to give me 100% of his attention in the small amount of time that I had with him. I was probably a bit older at this point though, 13 - 14 ish I think.

At 10, your son is old enough to have his wishes respected, but he is not old enough to implement his descisions on his own.

I think if you support him, he will always know that he has you to fight his corner, which is a good think and help his self esteem. As long as you don't say anything against his Dad or the gf, and give your son plenty of opportunity to change his mind or spend time with his Dad in other circumstances, then you can't go far wrong.

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 22:03:48

Oh curlymama you make me feel like I did the right thing in my situation smile

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 22:03:52

yes that does help thank you. I'm going to be having a serious talk with x tomorrow

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 22:05:56

Good luck with your talk.

sheepgomeep Tue 28-Dec-10 22:08:16

Thanks curlymama, he has been saying for a while now that he is not happy but I've been making excuses for her and now I'm not going too.

I'm just worried that this will affect dd1. She has quite a good relationship with gf and takes her out by herself occaisionally. (there are some things that she dislikes though)

curlymama Tue 28-Dec-10 22:10:29

reinitin - it does sound like you did the right thing, especially where you say that you had to facilitate the making up. That is truly selfless parenting, my Mum did stuff like that for me and I now know how hard it would have been for her to push her own feelings aside and do what was best for me. I will be eternally grateful to her for that, especially as my Dad died when I was a teenager.

Sorry for going into a rant all about me OP! smile I too hope your talk goes well.

reinitindear Tue 28-Dec-10 22:20:39

It was through gritted teeth curlymama but I know that she will understand the extent of his knobbish behaviour when she is older better that than me slag him off which would be very easy.

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