To think that I need space too?(29 Posts)
First up, I am sorry if I offend anyone who has less living space than us.
Our house has a lounge, a study/office and a kids' room. The "kids' room" has cable TV and the lounge has Freeview TV.
The lounge was really carefully put together to give me a "chill space" because I work long hours, self-employed and work from home in the "office". It is a calm and really nice space - ot that was the plan!
DS1 (teenager) is totally monopolising the kids' room with his XBox and the cable TV and he snarls at anyone who ventures in there. (None of the rest of us are interested in the extra cable stations, BTW - the cable thing was an accident because we didn't think that we would get digital reception here! We bought a bundle of phone, broadband and TV because it was the cheapest option.)
DS2 can't get at any of the toys in the kids' room because DS1 is hogging it. So DS2 has migrated to the lounge and monopolises the TV with his PS3 and Nintendo Wii.
DH is capable of getting fierce and insisting to watch something more interesting on TV, but only when it is something that he wants to watch or that he and DS2 can watch together. (So forget DVDs like Notting Hill, The Queen, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Pride & Prejudice and an incy-wincy bit of Reality TV!)
And me? In the evening I end up in the study/office watching live TV on the computer at the same desk I work at all day! No sofa, no chill, no change of scene.
I know, I KNOW I am just being soft, but what do I do? This has gone on for 3 - 4 years now and I am pig-sick of it!
The only suggestion that I knolw I can't cope with is "get another TV"! It is so tempting, and I have been looking at recliner chairs for the study/office lately as well, but WHY should I have to do that? And the last thing I need is TVs in the bedrooms - policing that would be a nightmare!
I do know that this is not the most important thing in the world right now, but please can you knock some sense in to me? (Prepares for bruises!)
YANBU to think you need space too but YABU to whinge like this - stand up for yourself. Speak to DH and get on baord as a team. As for DS(teenager) - WTF - he is a teenager - I know they are a mare but letting him rule the roost is hardly a good example.
Enough arse kicking?
I would put my foot down that in the evenings the lounge is a space for you and dh. That the boys are welcome there too but that what is on the tv is for you and dh to choose because it is your space. And you and your dh need to take turns to choose what you get to watch - just because you work at home doesn't mean your dh doesn't need to wind down at night too.
And assuming that ds2 isn't a lot younger than ds1 I would be telling them that they need to grow up and sort out a compromise so they both get to use their room too. And that if they don't you will be taking away the wii / x-box / tv etc etc from their room until they behave in a way that indicates they are old enough to have this stuff.
Put your bloody foot up the teens bottom! Get him out...the kids can each have a set time in the kids room....no more and no less. Failure to comply with these times results in removal of techno gear for a few days.
TAKE the remote from DH and get fierce back.
Oh and actually if you want to be able to spend time together in the evenings as a family then maybe the answer is that you all (4) take turns what to watch / do in the lounge rather than you and dh. Just that you were implying that they have their space and you have yours
You need new house rules and a time share on TVs! Too many people wanting different things from too few TVs at the same time. If you don't want to get more TVs the the only alternative is to be more rigid about who gets access to which TV when and stick to it. Make sure you get your time in their too.
Or you could all "switch of the television set and go out and do something less boring instead"? (if you're under 30 you probably won't get that!)
I'm so sorry but you are going to get flamed for this. Not about your living space like you thought but about being such a flaming doormat.
FFS if teenage son doesn't start to compromise he has those very things he loves so much taken away until he can. End of.
Your space is your space, as they have an alternative, fine, but do not let one dominate it at the expense of the other.
Grow a backbone or your oldest DS is going to make someone a bloody terrible husband one day.
make a simple rule
no game stations in the lounge.
the kids room is the kids room.
regardless of how old they are it is NOT good for them to be sitting in front of games for hours on end.
so they take turns. ds1 gets an hour. ds2 gets an hour.
then the games go off.
Do you know how much I love you all?
Please keep going, for my sake ...
i also think that it's really sad that for the last 3-4 years you've all spent every evening in separate rooms
I think it's time your elder teenager has a tv in his room. Can the cable be put in there too? If not, have it switched through there and tell your younger son that when his brother goes to university (if that's what he's planning, of course) then that room will become his.
It's absolutely not right that you should have to go into your workplace and watch live tv on your computer - it's disgraceful! Your husband should be able to see that - what's going on with him that he can't?
This will not go down well but I do think being surrounded by males who IME tend to be more selfish about their hobbies is making this all seem a bit 'normal' to you - it's not! Get the scrabble out once a week or something! (I know a generalisation and gender stereotyping [gets coat])
I'm surprised that you've allowed this situation to go on for so long tbh. I don't know any teenagers who don't have a telly in their bedroom. If you allowed your DS1 his own smallish tv in his room then he wont hog the kid's downstairs room. Yes, okay you might need to keep an eye on what he's watching after the watershed but there's got to be an element of trust there.
Can I go a bit off the point and have a leeetle whinge of my own re space. Not enough to start my own thread
BTW OP I agree with the others - take control!
We have a shed that has been made over to a sort of batchelor pad space. Not too fancy but nice.
If I hear one more my mum person say 'oh but its lovely for OH to have some space to himself isnt it?' I will fecking burn it down!
I share a room with OH and a baby, I have no space to do anything as OH is home all day and has the bloody tv on or bloody Magic FM and we have a through lounge/diner/kitchen. He goes fecks off to work at 4.30 and I have all the kids to sort out.
But because he is a man he 'needs a bit of space'
Please do carry on ...
Why not allow ds1 to have a tv in his room but no aerial? This way he can use it for his games but not to watch telly on? Xxx
How old is DS1? Can the XBox go in his bedroom?
i agree with others.
foot down, stand up!!
they are your children, they don't get the monopoly on communal rooms. that is your space, created for you. tell them the kids room is to be negotiated between them and you are not to be disturbed when in your space. how dare your son snarl at anyone btw.
sounds like they all have too much screen time to be honest. Wouldn't bother with TV in bedroom but would make sure sons take turns on games or watch telly in play room. They can pick and choose slots of an hour maybe and use a TV listings guide for TV programmes. Would make sure both you and Dh both choose a programme each evening using listing guides. Don't go into your work room what ever you do and if the boys want to join you in the lounge to watch your programmes thats fine.
I agree with almost every comment so far. (A first for AIBU?) Thank you all for your thoughts because they are really, really helpful.
God, I wouldn't get more TVs and I certainly wouldn't get your oldest DS a TV for his room!
I would get seriously strict about screen time - maybe remove all the TVs and consoles for a while until you all discover life beyond them!
Ley us know what happpens when you lay down some new rules
Get it sorted and get your grumpy teen to see who's boss
Your DS1 is snarling at anyone who enters a family room?
Sounds like he needs a naughty spot tbh.
I live with two men - DH and SS - and this isnt just a step issue I know but that does sometimes make it harder for me to fight back. I have an absolute rule after years of feeling like I live in a boys house/batchelor pad whatever - nothing but nothing is to be attached to the tvs in the conservatory and lounge in our house. Will not let DH or SS attach anything.
This was after years of being tutted at when I walked through a room because someone got shot or was just about to get to another level and blah blah because I had walked through or had audacity to say 'hello' or anything at all really.
Then I would get flamed for pulling wires out which were left strewn around in the 'public' rooms in the house and accused of 'losing' saved games. Just flipped one day - and reclaimed my lounge and conservatory.
Oh and forgot to add - is there anything more irritating than listening to alleged grown men making all the one sided sound effects of a gun battle - and ducking and shouting 'got you covered mate - nice one cheers' - and bloody bang bang pow pow. Absolutely pathetic and irritating beyond belief.
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