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to be so angry at PIL? (long, sorry)

(31 Posts)
NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 07:01:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

screamingskull Sun 26-Dec-10 07:09:40

yanbu but un-fortunatly some people are just like that (storey tellers).

shame on the kids thou sure the odd fiver in card wouldn't have went a miss

wannaBe Sun 26-Dec-10 07:14:59

Has she really given gifts to the other kids though or is she just saying it like she does with your dc?

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 07:16:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles Sun 26-Dec-10 07:22:58

my parents don't send anything to dc's for birthday, christmas, anything... same reason... we moved to england to be closer to DH's family

at least they got a christmas card, we didn't even get that hmm

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 07:25:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrostyAndSlippery Sun 26-Dec-10 07:33:08

YANBU. I don't know if you can change it though.

Is it actually worth putting in any effort with them?

Triggles Sun 26-Dec-10 07:55:56

angry with us for moving... ridiculous really as my father was career military and we moved all over the place growing up.

thelittlestkiwi Sun 26-Dec-10 08:12:07

Our family are odd about sending stuff overseas too. My parents refuse and give us money. My IL's don't do anything in spite of making a fuss about how much they miss their only grandchild.

My brother made a big fuss last year when I refused to buy the gifts he told me to buy for his kids, himself and his wife. I have not lived near him for years and have sent gifts by amazon or arranged for my parents to buy gifts for his kids 8 years. I told him I wanted to choose gifts or there was no point. He could not use the website I suggested in NZ and complained that the parcels I have been sending were in anonymous brown cardboard. I am not paying £3 per item for wrapping- this year I sent 7 gifts so it adds up.

This year from him I received a £40 amazon voucher for the UK (for myself, OH and DD). A country I do not live in.

I'm livid but I think it is just something we have to deal with living overseas. It certainly doesn't encourage me to move back to the UK. It's a shame for your DD though.

pigletmania Sun 26-Dec-10 08:29:41

YANBU, I think that your dh though should bring it up with his mum, he sounds hurt by it. I know that i would, he should say it how it is, and not beat around the bush.

diddl Sun 26-Dec-10 08:42:23

Perhaps they will put something into the bank later or set up their own accounts for the children?

We are abroad & my ILs never send anything other than cards.

Even when my Dad comes out they don´t thin to send anything with him.

They have opened accounts themselves-it´s all about control with them tbh.

They have never visited-that is our"duty" as we are the children & the ones who moved away.

We have seen them three times in about 15yrs-fine by meblush

DecorhatetheChristmasTree Sun 26-Dec-10 09:22:04

Yanbu - as you say it's not the gift or the amount of money spent, it's the (lack of) effort. Can you guess my ILs are exactly the same?!

I also suspect they buy Christnas presents for their gcs who live near them. My parents either post small gifts or transfer money to my account so I can get them something.

My dcs have not commented so far but surely it's only a matter if time before they start wondering why only one set of gps send presents.

Triggles Sun 26-Dec-10 09:35:01

Mine definitely buy things for the grandkids that live near to them, and even that live across the country to them (in the states). But not to us here in England. They don't even bother acknowledging them in any way - cards on birthdays, letters, phone calls, nothing.

They do, according to other friends and relatives, brag and show pictures that we've sent about their grandchildren here. So they act like doting grandparents, but never actually act like a grandparent. Sad, really. Our two littlest they've never even seen in person. And the older are just ignored now that we've moved (6 years ago). Like we didn't even exist. hmm

QuintMissesChristmasesPast Sun 26-Dec-10 09:38:29

Please dont let it bother you. And please dont EVER again mention presents to the children to your inlaws. MIl now knows that she has found something for you to fret about. She knows full well that you are concerned about how the kids feel with lack of presents, but not concerned enough to stay put in your homecountry, iyswim. She is using the talk of presents to punish you with. Dont raise to the bait. And dont make an issue.

Our kids have never received presents from my mil for Christmas or birthdays. She is hard off, so we dont expect anything. But she spoils the kids rotten when we go visiting, so they know they are loved, and they know they get presents when they get there. Small toys she has picked up in a nearby market, that dont last very long. But so what?
It is perfectly possibly to maintain long distance relationships with grandchildren without presents.

As a parent it is up to you to manage your kids expectations, and I would just say something along the lines of overseas postage is so expensive (which is the reason YOU gave for not posting THEM a present, so valid enough so cant complain) and it does not mean that grandma loves you any less, she is just a little disorganized with presents. Or something to that effect.

If you must say something, you would really embarrass her if you were to say "on dont worry about presents, I knew you would not send anything so in order not to upset the kids and prevent them from growing resentful towards you, I bought a little something from you, so dont be surprised if you find a polite thank you card. The kids insisted. You know what they are like" Like you say, it is not about the money.

borderslass Sun 26-Dec-10 09:39:59

My MIL is like this and she lives 2 streets away she even used to visit a friend who lived 2 doors from us, sit in the garden drinking and ignore the kids playing out there. Kids are now 19,16 and 15 and don't give a shit about her after everything she's done.

FellatioNelson Sun 26-Dec-10 09:43:46

YANBU at all about the way she has behaved. I can't beare people don't treat their childrenor grandchildren equally.

Howver, YAB a little bit U to say 'I bet she's telling everyone she's spoilt them with loads of presents/money.'

You have no evidence of this and that comment just sounds a bit bitchy. Understandable maybe, but you need to keep the moral highground!

5ElvesMooningSanta Sun 26-Dec-10 09:47:32


I have a similar problem with my mam, where she favours girls to boys and it grinds me up.

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 11:13:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigValentine Sun 26-Dec-10 11:31:58

What Quint said. It will completely wrong foot her.

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 11:43:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight Sun 26-Dec-10 11:47:23

I would just ignore it. You can't make people buy presents. If she doesn't want to she doesn't want too. And it is up to your DH to mention it if anyone.

We are overseas too and I have warned everyone not to send anything. One reason is the expense and the other is that things go missing. MIL buys for DS and keeps it for when we see her. My Dad does the same. Although my parents didn't get DS anything for his birthday as we didn't see them.

atswimtwolengths Sun 26-Dec-10 12:07:14

It's easy to buy through Amazon though, isn't it, and have it delivered abroad?

Have to say I just don't understand some grandparents. My children are 21 and 18 and if they (long in the future, I hope!) had children, buying presents for them would give me such pleasure.

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 12:33:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Sun 26-Dec-10 14:11:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoChristmasSpirit Sun 26-Dec-10 14:55:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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