to be crying and sulking?

[BrandyButterPie]

Bit of background:

Me and dh both work full time, but somhow me being on probation on a new job means I do all the getting up overnight.

He works 8-4, I work 12-8, we both have a half hour commute (that can be an hour sometimes in bad weather etc). dc (3 and 1) are in nursery 11-5.

Last week I had to work on the saturday and he didn't. He sent the kids to his parents for the entire time I was working so he could "get on top of the housework". Admittedely the house was shining when I got back from my shift, but this meant that his parents were too tired to take the kids for our usual night off. So yet again I was up and down all night with them.

(By the way, it shouldn't really matter, but just in case anyone assumes he is the main breadwinner, I earn approx twice what he does, with clear potential to be earning even more, although it is commission based so I need to be on top form)

Yesterday was my last day at work, so they had asked for us to come in early so we could finish early. I arranged with his parents that they would look after both dc till it was time to go to nursery. When I finished work, all my workmates went to the pub with the boss buying, but I got a text to say the children were ill and hadn't gone to nursery(bad colds) so I went straight home to pick them up from ILs. DH was late home, then went straight out to meet his friend in the pub.

Today was DHs last day at work. I had an awful day with the kids who were both ill, over excited and grumpy. I have the same cold, so was feeling miserable, and I found out my train to see my family after Christmas has been cancelled (first christmas after losing our beloved grandad who was always central to christmas) so I'm not sure if I will get there. The baby put the remote control in the loo when I turned my back for one minute. Both kids seemed to have a death wish all day, seeking out all danger.

DH texted me at 4.20 to say he had only been let out of work half an hour earlier than normal and had gone for a pint. I told him fair enough, but I had had an awful day and would he be long? If he had said yes, I would have just given the kids an easy tea then. he said he would be setting off home soon, so I waited.

More horrorendous whiny children later, I rang him, feeling really sorry for him that he must be stuck on a bus in the snow. Pub sounds. I asked if he would be much longer, and got a mouthful of abuse- apparently he is trying really hard to not ruin christmas but he finds it difficult as it is such a waste of time and I should realise he isn't perfect, he is a flawed man, and if he didn't have to go to work he wouldn't.

Then when he rolled in (drunk and staggering) he started with how I shouldn't maon about having to look after the kids as he does it EVERY NIGHT. (for two hours. when I actually look after them all morning and overnight with very little input)

he also came out with the gem of "well you chose to get a job, if you can't keep up with your home responsibilities you shouldn't have a job"

ARGH. He is pissed and talking rubbish, but ARGH. He is now crashing about in the kitchen. I have no idea what he is doing. I presume it is something for tomorrow.

I hate it when people do this, but I just don't want to argue at Christmas. I'm going to have to have a word afterwards and get him to stop being a twat somehow - he does this sometimes, he is normal most of the time then has a couple of weeks of being an utter knobhead. In his normal times, he says sorry, but that he just sometimes gets bad tempered and I shouldn't provoke him in those times. I refuse to live like that. He can either sort himself out or fuck off, he could be bloody romeo the rest of the time but if he thinks it is ok to even occaisionally behave like a twat he is obviously secretly always a twat.

Sorry. I do love him, but I have to be practical about this. No twat is turning me into some kind of surrendered wife.

He seems to think I am demanding a constant report on his whereabouts. I'm not, I just want him to listen when I say I really need support, and, if he won't be home when he says he will, to let me know. Not hard.

[BrandyButterPie]

Anyway, how do I keep things pleasant for xmas, but without letting him feel that this is a normal way to treat and speak to somebody you are meant to love and respect?

[singingcat]

He is drunk and talking shit.

I would tell him that he chose to have children too and presumably he would be upset if he barely ever saw them, which is what would happen if you split up and you are the main carer. And if he is going to be more of a burden than a help then what is the good to you of him being there? If you are both working full time everything should be shared.

[BrandyButterPie]

Thanks. It is just frustrating that, if he hates christmas so much, and I love it, we have to tiptoe round him at christmas. Surely it should be him indulgently rolling his eyes and smiling as I wrap presents and we both drink mulled wine?

[chrimblycompo]

I'd leave it til after Xmas
then give him hell in the new year

[BrandyButterPie]

Yep, his kids. DD1 was an accident, but I told him at the time that he either became a proper Dad or left me to it, and we decided to have DD2 together. Yet he still says things like I chose to have kids and he is supporting me, so I should be grateful.

ARGH. Thing is, he will hold forth about feminism for hours, about how, if anything, women should have a better situation than men because of the historical inequalities etc etc, so why can't he see he is acting like a sexist twat?

[BrandyButterPie]

We usually have saturday night off, as his parents (they are lovely) babysit for us.

[ensure]

Gah. What an arsehole. He sounds very bloody thoughtless!
I'm sure other people will offer lots of helpful advice, I will just have to offer sympathy because I don't know how you ought to tackle this behaviour.

[Acanthus]

Ooh nasty situation - sympathies. The other posters are right, you can't do anything now if he's pissed and you'll probably have to wait until after Christmas. Then you'll have to Have a Talk. Try not to make into a competitive tiredness one, but really, he's not pulling his weight here is he?

[BrandyButterPie]

Oh, and he just came in and told me I HAVE to wrap the main presents (I wanted to do them last night but he insisted on tonight) or AT LEAST do the stockings. Like I am living the life of riley. In fact I bet that is what he thinks, as he is now cooking. He has conveniently forgotten that i have been doing all housework and childcare to cover for his pub time.

Grrr! OK, I am off to do his bidding. Wish me luck for not actually physically stuffing the bloody sprouts up his backside.

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

i thinkyou should post this in feminism topic and get some great responses to his stupid "you chose to work" comments. his behaviour is pretty shitty tbh.

[BrandyButterPie]

Yep, in fact if I could get some quotes by his idols, that would show him :)

(He actually considers himself to be quite a radical feminist. How's that for cognative dissonance?)

[sue52]

YANBU. He is being an arse. I would get busy with those sprouts if I were you.

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

he is deluding himself. seriously though, do repost this. I'm still an 'L' plate feminist so not quotes to give you but get yourself over there and let the others fire off some quotes or comebacks.

[fuzzypicklehead]

Ooh, is he somehow related to my DH? Exactly the same twattish behaviour cycles except my DH does it 5 or 6 times a year when he gives up smoking.

I suggest leaving the sprouts on the stalk for maximum effect.

[CaptainNancy]

I think he feels put out/emasculated by the fact that you earn more than he does.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Bloody hell, you do realise he has to suffer in the morning don't you ??!!

I would not put up with THAT !!

[Lulumaam]

well, i suggest you talk about what would happen if you chose not to work.. how it would affect your household.. would you need to sell up /downsize/move...? would it mean no holidays, no nights out, no treats?

just so he can come home to a clean house and tea on the table and piss off and do whatever he wants when he wants?

reading between the lines, do you think he would prefer to be a SAHP? do you think he feels he cannot compete financially and therefore is trying to 'assert' himself, but would be better off at home, no childcare costs and he would be the SAHP ? and maybe if no childcare costs you cuold reduce your working hours IF you chose and could all have a bit nore of a relaxed hoemlife?

the only thing that is an absolute given is that he needs to be sober to discuss

[Lulumaam]

and how exactly is he supporting you and the kids if he rubs your nose in it and sends the kids to his folks, so he can do the housework.. 99 % Of parents have to do both at once and more besides!

[purplepidjbauble]

Why don't you just piss off out yourself? Maybe not tonight, as that would mean leaving the DCs with a drunk person, but next week sometime. Just text him and say "Sorry, babe, just off to the pub. See you later"...

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

I have promised myself that if dh ever started with that kind of twattishness, I would fuck off on holdiay for a week in the school holidays and leave him with dd.

And phone him on the first day, pished, saying I'll be home in ten minutes.

OP, does your dh have a mate who is a cunt rather traditional and could be whispering shite in his ear about what he should and shouldn't have to do as the man of the house etc?